Session 1: Discussion of Chapters 1-7

[JD]

Hello and welcome to our first discussion session!  I am figuring this out as we go along, so bear with me on formatting/style of the discussion posts.  My plan is to post the ideas that jumped out at me from each of these chapters, and hope that others have something to say about those or other ideas as well.  Please share any insights or questions you may have as well!

[JD]

There are several of us here in the Oasis today, so we are also having a "live discussion" at the same time.  First, I will say I had a hard time jumping into this book!  The subtitle references "five steps" so I kept wanting to delve right into that.  Instead, the author spends quite a bit of time on background info and talking about what he will talk about.  The actual "First Step" isn't discussed in depth until Ch. 7.  So, basically Chapters 1-6 are some ideas on parenting.  Here's what I got out of those:

[JD]

Ch. 1:  Enjoy your children!  Let them activate the "dead parts" of you (the joy you used to feel as a child?) Celebrate mud, messes, noise, etc.  This hit home for me as I often find myself worrying about things like dirty shoes coming into the house when I just cleaned the floors.   These things, in the eyes of our kids, are not that big a deal.  And really, are they a big deal for me? 

Ch. 2:  Process for controlling worry as a parent:  1)Never worry alone (what we're trying to do with this book group!), 2)Get the facts, 3)Make a plan.  People who should worry about whether or not they are a good parent don't, and those who are doing fine usually do worry.  Dr. Hallowell also says that if you care enough to read this book, you are a good parent already, so kudos to all of us! 

On Thursday, April 19, 2012 2:30:49 PM UTC-4, JD wrote:

[JD]

Ch. 3: You are your best expert, what went right for you in childhood?  Those of us here in the Oasis are saying we do question ourselves (or else we wouldn't be reading this book!) We want to make sure we get it right.  We know enough to know we don't always have all the answers, and it's okay for our kids to know that too..this leads into

Ch. 4, which talks about modeling the ability to deal with adversity for your child.  We can't protect them from all disappointments in life, but we can help them learn how to deal with it.  Being honest about the fact that we don't always know what to do/say can be important for our kids too.  Once when I was about 10-11, in the middle of an argument with my mom she blurted out "I've never done this before! [parent] So I made a mistake!" and I had never thought about that idea before..that my parents are just people, trying to do their best but not always getting it right.

Ch. 5..nothing much to note from my perspective

Ch. 6:  Many parents try to provide children with "experiences of joy" instead of equipping them with the ability to create it.  What constitutes "joy" to us may be different than to the child.  Trips to fantastic places may be great, but we have to be careful not to take away our kids' natural ability to entertain themselves.  Question for us adults:  what do we do to entertain ourselves (to "create joy")  and do our kids ever see us doing that?  Not usually..we tend to do our "fun things" after kids are in bed, etc.  Cydney's mom used to have "quiet time" where she would lay on the sofa reading for 30 min. and Cydney wasn't allowed to talk to her...awesome idea!  The other day my 6yr old and I walked to the playground and he says "what do you want to do mom?"  and I was like "..um, sit on the bench and relax..go play!"  I find I have to constantly urge him to entertain himself rather than look for me (or TV, computer, etc.) to entertain him.  Here are some things we do to entertain ourselves that don't include screens or "toys":
-Art
-Science projects
-Gardening
-Cooking (or just playing with spices/etc..mixing w/water)
-Reading
-Digging in sandbox

On Thursday, April 19, 2012 2:30:49 PM UTC-4, JD wrote:

Hello and welcome to our first discussion session!  I am figuring this out as we go along, so bear with me on formatting/style of the discussion posts.  My plan is to post the ideas that jumped out at me from each of these chapters, and hope that others have something to say about those or other ideas as well.  Please share any insights or questions you may have as well!

On Thursday, April 19, 2012 2:30:49 PM UTC-4, JD wrote:

[JD]

Ch. 7:  (and the first of the five steps, finally)  Connectedness.  This is the overall priority for home and school, creating attachment and a sense of connection.  Hallowell says there is little correlation between wealth and happiness (although there is a connection between poverty and unhappiness), but there is a HUGE correlation between a sense of connection and happiness. 

He mentions a big, long study w/90,000 kids that identified what factors led to positive outcomes later in life. The #1 factor was a sense of connectedness at home, and the #2 factor was a sense of connectedness at school.  (This is exactly what we try to do every day at school as counselors, help ensure kids are feeling happy and positive while they are here..totally validates why I love my job and why it's so important!) 

We are all pretty familiar with the concept of unconditional love, which is very related to connectedness.  However, one idea I found interesting was that we sometimes have to show our love by saying no..Hallowell calls it "a special kind of hug."  I like that. 

There is a paragraph on p. 100 where Hallowell really describes unconditional love; I almost got teary reading it b/c he goes into how our kids will all grow up and leave us one day..something to remember when I'm getting angry about muddy floors or someone coming into my bed at night!  He talks about how being a parent is also "letting a part of yourself die that used to come first"..powerful thought, and totally true!

Finally, he lists the elements of what can make up a "connected childhood."  They are listed on p. 102: 
-unconditional love/family togetherness
-self concept/self-esteem
-friends/neighborhood/community
-spirituality
-chores/work/responsibility
-activities/sports
-school
-pets
-a sense of the past
-nature
-arts

[JD]

So, to summarize today's session:  Connect with our kids!  Have family dinners whenever possible, let them know you love them unconditionally, and do things together.  Don't be afraid to say no sometimes.  Try to help them feel connected at school too..great relationships with teachers, friends, and participation in school groups can all help kids feel connected. 

Thanks for checking out our discussion; it will hopefully get smoother as we go on.  Next week we will be online again(same time/day) discussing Chapters 8-9, the next two steps to help kids create joy:  Play and Practice.  I look forward to chatting with anyone who is available then!

Jillian

[Erika Pereira]

I have enjoyed reading your posts.  One thing in particular has resonated with me so far, letting your children help you reactivate your "dead parts".  I definitely feel like I could relax and be more playful with my child. I often feel like I am strict and worried about cleaning up as a way to compensate for the fact that my husband is so playful and lax about these issues.  The "mommy" me is definitely not as fun as the "pre-mommy" or "non-mommy" me. I will start working on this and try to let things go a little more.