Session 3 - Chapters 10-11

[JD]

Here are the main points of Chapters 10-11, which we will be discussing on Thursday, 5/3 from 2:30-3:30pm:

Chapter 10 - Mastery

So after we've provided the connection, our kids get plenty of time to play, they develop their skills through practice, they finally get to mastery (the fourth "step" to create happy adults).  

• According to the author, our goal as parents, teachers, and coaches is to find areas where children can experience mastery and then make it happen.  What holds most kids (and adults too) back from mastery is the fear of messing up (and looking foolish). 
  
• The author defines a great teacher as "a person who can lead another person to mastery."  The best parents are also great teachers.
• We can't decide for ourselves what we want our children to excel at.  We can "plant seeds" and see which ones grow.
• Mastery vs. achievement: mastery is a feeling, while achievement is a benchmark.  Happiness doesn't depend on a lifetime of achievements, but rather gradually increasing feelings of mastery.
• Mastery and optimism:  repeated experiences of mastery help build optimism, which has been shown by research to be a strong predictor of adult happiness.  Optimism is an inherited trait to some extent, but can be taught and modeled by adults (even when we may be pessimists ourselves).
• Praise by itself cannot replace the experience of mastery.  Self-esteem and confidence come from the experience of doing something well.
• The feeling of mastery is a great internal motivator, and the more a child experiences it the more he/she will want to do that activity.

[JD]

Chapter 11:  Recognition, the reinforcement of mastery and a link to a wider feeling of connectedness (or, "the bridge from longing to belonging")

• When you learn to do something well, and someone else values what you've done, you feel both a sense of pride and a connection to the person who recognized you, plus the group that person represents.
• One danger is that recognition can become the end goal itself, and can be used to separate or rise above the larger group (narcissist).  This usually occurs when someone did not get the initial connectedness necessary to be happy (see step 1 in the first session).  These people feel the need to hoard every recognition and a starved person hoards food.
• It can be tough for some kids to learn how to deal with recognition, especially teenagers who are inbetween the child and adult worlds and thus are naturally feeling disconnected.  
• "The Great Harvard Fallacy"  (note: the author teaches at Harvard) - overemphasis on a particular achievement as a means of finding happiness.
• One study quoted on p. 154 notes that qualities of imagination, ambition, perseverance, maturity, and discipline mattered much more than the name of the college in predicting future earning power.  
• Two dangers of becoming over-focused on one achievement are that if you fail to reach the goal you may feel worthless, and that what you have to do in order to reach the goal may prevent happiness itself.
• There is no "best college" or "best profession", just "best matches" between the individual and the college/profession.  
• Harvard rejects 85% of those who apply, and could fill the school with valedictorians and perfect SAT students if they chose to.
• We must recognize our children for having done their best, for who they are rather than what we might want them to be (or what we wish we had chosen or been given for ourselves)

[JD]

Hello and welcome to today's discussion.  Cydney and I are here in the Oasis discussing the fourth and fifth steps to helping our kids grow into happy adults:  Mastery and Recognition.  The author talks about the difference between mastery and achievement, which is an important distinction in our goal-oriented and achievement-driven environment today.  Parents and teachers often get over-focused on the achievements (test scores, grades, winning the soccer game, etc.) versus the mastery (feeling proud of a new skill learned).  The author cites studies that indicate feelings of mastery (which leads to optimism) are much  more indicative of future happiness than mere achievements.

[JD]

On recognition:  This is the final step in helping our kids create and find happiness, and it completes the circle by leading us back to connection (step 1).  When someone provides recognition for a job well done, people feel connected to that person and the group they represent.  For example, when a teacher says "great job!" when a student completes a difficult piece of work, the student not only feels mastery and recognition, but also feels more connected to that teacher and to all teachers ("teachers are nice people.") 

On Tuesday, May 1, 2012 9:59:06 PM UTC-4, JD wrote:

[Jillian Diesner]

Well that concludes our discussion today.  Next week will be the final discussion, when we'll be wrapping up Chapters 12-15, discussing the idea of "Doing Too Much," and providing our critique of the overall concepts presented in the book.  As always, we welcome anyone to join us, even if you haven't read the book at all!  Just take a look at the previous posts and you will have a good idea of the concepts presented.