Final Session - Chapters 12-15

[JD]

Hello,

We will be online this Thursday, 5/10/12, from 2:30-3:30 to discuss the final chapters of our book, The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness.  Below are the summaries of the chapters that we will be discussing.  Please feel free to stop by the Oasis for an in-person discussion, or to send a response with your thoughts or comments about any part of this book.  

Chapter 12:  Teaching Jack to Fish

• ·         We don’t have to be experts, just willing to do the best we can as parents
  
• ·         Introduce them to new activities, even ones we may find boring, to help them develop sources of pleasure in everyday life..but don’t be surprised if many of the “seeds” just blow away..they won’t always want to do what we want them to (music lessons, etc.)
  
• ·         Every report card should have a category that covers joy
  
• ·         We all know many “successful” people who have no joy in their lives
  

 

Chapter 13:  A Closer Look at Connection

• ·         More of the same as before
  
• ·         Chores are a vital part of “family connection,” even if they don’t like it!
  
• ·         The author really believes a pet is a great source of happiness for children, teach responsibility, unconditional love, relaxation, etc.
  

 

Chapter 14:  Doing Too Much

• ·         Sometimes we parents work hard to provide joy rather than letting our kids learn how to create it (Disney World, etc.)
  
• ·         Proverb of teaching a man to fish…etc.
  
• ·         Don’t minister to boredom as if it is a boo-boo..sometimes it is our duty to NOT rush in to help kids fill that sense of boredom, so they can find methods themselves to create joy
  
• ·         Our job is to “supervise from a distance to make sure no damage gets done”
  
• ·         We can’t always give them instantly what they want; sometimes saying “no” or doing nothing is harder than rushing in to solve every problem, but we have to.
  
• ·         (p. 229 Q and A):
  

 

Chapter 15: The Art of Growing Up

• ·         To be happy as you leave infancy and mature, you must be able to both delay gratification and to derive satisfaction from something deeper and more complicated than mere pleasure. 
  
• ·         This is not unlike falling in love: you become preoccupied, enchanted, willing to make sacrifices, energized, and motivated as never before (think about a project your child is involved in—making something for you, a craft, etc.)
  
• ·         The “more” could be an actual project/craft, or involvement with a club or activity, or discovery of a new genre of literature..anything that one looks forward to doing over and over again. 
  

[JD]

Well, today was our final discussion of this book.  One of the things we talked about today was that the overall organization of the book was a little confusing and meandering.  The five steps to help your child have happiness were clearly explained (and make a lot of sense!) but then there was more explanation, and a little more, and then some of the author's other thoughts regarding happiness.  So, a bit hard to read at times but overall the main concepts are great.  Just to recap, here's what we need to do to make sure our kids grow up happy:

1) Make sure they feel connected at home and school.
2) Give them plenty of opportunities to play, unstructured and unmanaged by us adults
3) The play leads to practice of a skill that will become better and better (think music lessons, or sports, or other things your child is interested in)
4) Lots of practice at a particular thing will lead to mastery, which is a "good feeling" rather than a mere "achievement"
5) The feeling of mastery leads to recognition, which helps kids (and adults) feel connected to the source of the recognition, and so the cycle repeats.

 

We also discussed today the idea of "doing too much", as that's something that many of us are in danger of doing, in a sincere attempt to provide our kids with happy experiences.  It was a good reminder to read that it's actually beneficial to say "no", to make kids do chores, and to allow them to experience a bit of boredom/discomfort, as they figure out for themselves how to manage adversity. 

Overall I think reading this book will help me be a more relaxed parent, in that I don't need to organize a lot of structured activities (some are good though!) and it's okay for my child to see me "playing" because it models how to create happiness by entertaining yourself. 

I will be looking into books for a fall discussion group, so if anyone has suggestions please let me know!  Also I will be considering the online format and ways to make it more accessible to interested parties.  While we didn't have a lot of participation in this first series, I am hoping to build this up to reach a much wider audience in the future!  Thanks to everyone who was a part of this series!