Week 5 Power Rankings

[Jack Scanlan]

Gentlemen,

In honor of the current election that we find ourselves in, I have gathered some of the best Trump quotes I could find to help me describe your teams current rank. 

Some of these are slightly offensive, but please don't take offense. It's all in good fun. Hope you enjoy the read!

#1: Number Two Crew - Matt and Asher

“You know, it really doesn’t matter what the media writes as long as you’ve got a young, and beautiful, piece of ass.” 

Matt and Asher are just dominating. It's like this Trump quote above: It doesn't really matter what you throw at them, they just keep on winning. They have the highest points total in the leaque, and a scary lineup every Sunday. I don't see them slowing down!

#2: Front Office Ouroboros - Moutoux

“I will build a great wall – and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me – and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.” 

Kicking butt and taking names are the Front Offic Ouroboros. Moutoux is also on a tear with a 5 game winning streak. With his lineup, I don't see too many weaknesses. It could be a fight to the finish between Moutoux and Number Two Crew. 

#3: Ambassador of Quan - Jeff 

“All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me – consciously or unconsciously. That’s to be expected.”

Let's be honest, Jeff's team has it all. Talent, relative health, and a little bit of luck. Just like every year, Jeff is right there at the top of the pack. It's to be expected at this point. 

#4: Coronal Mass Ejection - Jack

“I’ve said if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”

I feel like this is me when it comes to the Broncos. Had I swapped out one Bronco for Larry Fitzgerald, I would have won. But alas, I stuck with my tried and true, nearly pulled it out, but failed. I need to open up the playing field and stop dating the Broncos so much. 

#5: Fuzzy Dunlop - Kevan

“It’s freezing and snowing in New York – we need global warming!”

Kevan drafted well, has almost no injuries, and is near the top of the pack. This could be a scary proposition if he doesn't make any rash moves and screw it up.

#6: Still Waiting For Superman - Cella

“My IQ is one of the highest — and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure; it’s not your fault.”

Book smart, and Fantasy smart, it's surprising that Cella is struggling this season. But some unfortunate surprises, namely Josh Gordon, and some bad luck have lead to a mediocre year so far. Let's see if Cella can pick it up. 

#7: Flash Gordon - Seth

“When these people walk in the room, they don’t say, ‘Oh, hello! How’s the weather? It’s so beautiful outside. Isn’t it lovely? How are the Yankees doing? Oh they’re doing wonderful. Great.’ [Asians] say, ‘We want deal!’”

On a 2 game losing streak and near the bottom of the pack, Seth could be in trouble. All is not lost though, and hopefully Seth can turn this losing season around. 

#8: Next..Man..Up - Drew

“Heidi Klum. Sadly, she's no longer a 10."

Alas, Drew, last year's Champion is struggling mightily this season. Doesn't look like he is a 10 any longer. Hopefully you can pick it up in the next few weeks. 

#9: Help Me Drew Brees - Bob

“Ariana Huffington is unattractive, both inside and out. I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man – he made a good decision.”

Bob's team looks pretty terrible thus far. Might be time to abandon ship and try to pick up some fresh blood. Don't lose hope though. We have a long way to go.

#10: For Me To Poop On - Ron

“Rosie O’Donnell’s disgusting both inside and out. You take a look at her, she’s a slob. She talks like a truck driver, she doesn’t have her facts, she’ll say anything that comes to her mind. Her show failed when it was a talk show, the ratings went very, very, very low and very bad, and she got essentially thrown off television. I mean she’s basically a disaster.”

On a 4 game losing streak, Ron's team comes in last this week. Things have been looking pretty ugly. We are only 5 games in, so there is still time, but you better turn it around in a hurry.