Power Rankings... Ridley Style

[Drew Ridley]

Well.... This week has been pretty unexpected for me.   I have had things come at me from all directions causing me to bunker down and focus on the basics kind of like when your freezy cold and all the blood rushes to the heart, causing your fingers and feet to go numb.   While i was tending to life, it seems as if I have neglected my beloved fantasy football league.   Please accept my late power ranking submission and excuse me from the $10 penalty.....  If you cannot, I have no one to blame but my self.....

This power ranking is dedicated to the array of emotions "lateness" can inflict on our human condition....

So here is week 7's power ranking dedicated to "Lateness".....

For the sake of time,  I will not analyze each team, as my team is the last one to judge someone else.... but attribute each member to an occasion of "lateness"....

#1    Late on removing the cookies form the Oven.  

There are far more crucial emotional responses than the one feels when they have forgotten to set the timer on the good old favorite pastime chololate chips.   Their is a mini panic attack, but one almost instantly remembers that a trsuty butter knife can remove the burnt bottom and salvage the cookie delema 

Number two crew...  you are slightly burnt, yet still delicious warm cookies.

#2 Late on paying your cell phone bill

I mean, this isnt too bad.   The worse that can happen is that the bill will double up on you next time.  It is a small smack on the wrist and a gentle reminder that you have the potential to be a lazy slob, but your quick instincts to reverse your payment's tardiness remind you that you are indeed a decent human being... somewhat decent.

You Moutoux are a late bill that has minimal lasting influence.  Just like your starter Mariota this week, lets hope this doesn't hurt your record or your credit history.

#3  Late at waking up

You know that feeling when you are rudely taking from your dream only to realize that the alarm has been buzzing and you are now minutes away from your intended departure time.   The sinking feeling and the speed at which you move puts some on the rookies 40 yard dashers to shame.   You put your socks on without touching them, you wear the first shirt you see. and you demote tooth brushing and breakfast as negotiables in the morning routine.   Yes this type of lateness is bad, yet it can be redeemed by the speed of your instincts.  you'll suffer slightly by having bad breathe at work and starving until you get to the vending machine, but matters could be much worse as well see in other late scenarios.

Jeffrey, You are late waking up.   You are in great postion to still make it to work just like you are very likely to be in the playoffs.  Congrats on the Cubbies WC appearance!

#4    Late on getting your car inspected

I hate it when I come back from my shopping trip at Big Y only to see an inspection ticket from one of those first year Police officers trying to earna spot in a patrol car but having to settle for a mountain bike or glorified gold cart.   Your inspection sticker snuck by you again and the blue square sticker on the bottom left of your windshield signals all police officers that it was due in September and now it is October.   The 100 $fine and the $35 inconvenience of having to go and wait at some car shop only furthers the plunge of the knife in your sagging stomach.  

Ronnie,  you are late on inspection.  Take the fines, the loss of an afternoon, and get your head screwed on straight already ok!

#5     Late for a job interview

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You have rehearsed 10 different excuses to explain to your future "nonboss" why you are late.   You have also subconsciously convinced yourself that it was not the extra 15 minutes in bed or the extra time spent taking in that hot shower feeling that caused your delay, no,  you heartlessly blame the stupid funeral car line that selfishly made you wait as you watched the little red flags wave on each antenna...... waving goodbye to your employment hopes.  How selfish for someone to die, and a multitude of people show their respects as they clog everyday traffic....

Kevan,  Casinos might not be around forever and your lack of timeliness will indeed affect your future employment.   You better start taking employment and your life seriously you leech!

#6     Late for a first Date (The Sexest interview ever!)

We have all past this stage(minus asher), but it still doesn't remove the sting that this type of tardiness communicate both to yourself and your potential lover.   How can you be late for your first interaction with a woman that has graced you with accepting your invitation to spend time together?  This type of lateness communicates much more to the woman that you dont like onions on your cheeseburger....  She will be thinking,  "will he abandon me?,  will he keep a job?, will he be loving and supportive to our kids?  will he leave me for another woman?   FORGET HIM ....JERK"  and she is gone before you arrive at the restaurant having already made up her mind........  good job.  This was the girl you were waiting to ask out all spring and you finally had the chance at the end of the year work party and you blew it!!!!!!     Asher,  dont be late.

Cella.... she was gorgeous, stunning, smart, an eagles fan, and you blew it!  What is wrong with you!  You let her get away....   sigh................

#7   Late buying a Valentine's day card

This one is the cousin of the last late feeling... however this one has one going repercussions that can haunt you for countless months or even years.    Women love cards.... thats it.  If you forget an event like a birthday, holiday or Valentines day, there is not telling how long you will suffer from this lapse in judgement.   May all members of our league put reminders in our phones so we will never have to experience this torture that can rebirth at any given moment at the will or emotional instability of your spounse.  

Jack,  while the one got away hurts, the angry one that you can get away from hurts more....  Good luck on the next couple years of random damnations and expensive Valentine's day make ups....  No matter how much you do, it may never take away that "one time when..."

#8      Late on her period 

I dont know how many of your have experienced this, but I have, and it made my internals feel like scrambled eggs.    Your significant other drops the bomb that her expected period has not arrived and there is a chance she may be pregnant.  You begin to see your life flash before your eyes and go through the moments of your life when you enjoyed the current peace and bliss you have experienced.   Each night you pray that blood would gush from your wife's uterus signally an internal celebration only these men can understand...  

Bob,  if you cant keep it in your pants, you better have a plan not to create a mini RS3....   We all know that an angry sweaty bob is not a good thing, so think about how sweaty your head will be when you've barely gotten over the wedding and expenses and a kid is on the way.  Talk about a push to finish your house!!!!

#9      Late for your wedding day

The family will judge you, your friends will judge you, the Pastor will judge you... but worst of all....... your wife will NEVER forget your lack of consideration and tardiness.   There is not other event in life where you will need to be on time for than your wedding day.  The money invested, the friends who are visiting town, your in-laws reputation... it is all on the table... and you... you sloppy piece of flesh with a heartbeat...  you are giving your bride an panic attack while she waits surround by her closest friends....  I would never wish this lateness upon anyone.. not even my worst enemy.  The many layers of years of reputation quality control damage you will have to do is almost impossible to measurable.....   Do not be late for your wedding!

Seth....... get your head in the game dude!  Your lucky that girl said yes...  now figure out how your gonna crawl back into the playoff picture....

#10   Late on judgement day

You had a lifetime to accept the eternal salvation through Jesus Christ.  You spent your days selfishly chasing momentary pleasures that led from one pleasure to another like perfectly flat rocks on an everlasting ride across lake Michigan.   Yes, this is the last occasion that you want to experience the eternal damnation of being Late.    Thank God for Grace...........

You Author of this Rankings are late...  late for the Power Rankings, late at FF success, and late on Jugement day..................   Good bye forever

And there you have it.... celebrating the many occasions of being "LATE"   

[Matt Pileggi]

Nice job Drew. Even if they were late they were funny. Also don't be late setting your lineups as there is a London game at 9:30!

Sent from my iPhone

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