2015 Week Three Power Rankings

[Matt Cella]

1. Fuzzy Dunlop “Smart Car”

First of all, HOW ARE YOU 3-0?!?!? You have scored the 2nd fewest points so far this season, but wait, oh I see, you have the lowest points against you. Honestly, to me there’s isn’t a car out there more off-putting than this one, and a week more off-putting than one where Kevan is the top dog. This smart car features 2 seats which make it absolutely USELESS as a family car. You literally will never be able to look cool driving one of these things. They’ve now reserved a special spot for it in most parking garages... the "oh crap this is for compact size cars only" spot that everyone loves to see when they're coming along with their ordinary, regular sized family vehicle. Likewise, we’ve reserved a special rule for you Kevan. The “Limit 2 on DST” rule. Thanks to you, guys can’t pick up an extra DST while, say, the Texans and Kansas City are both on bye the same week & you don’t want to drop one cuz that would suck, so yea, thanks... not. You have Brady on bye so your team will be brought back down to Earth. Enjoy this nice accolade now, cuz you’ll be in the bottom half of the league in a few short weeks.  

2. The MAshers- “The Jeep”

Everyone is jealous of that dude rolling up to a stop light on a warm summer day with his doors off his jeep and a hot babe by his side. And right now your team is that guy, or should I say AP is that guy. My heart broke this summer when I had to decide between Bell and Peterson. Having to make this decision was hard and AP was the bigger gamble, so I went with Bell. Seeing Peterson struggle the first week I thought I had make the better decision, then weeks 2&3 rolled around and he’s averaging 22 points a game and already has almost 350 all-purpose yards. Then you add Kelce to the mix and you’ve got something going for you. With a quality QB and some consistent RB and WR play and you’ll make an easy trip to this year’s Bowl.   

3. Finger Luckin’ Good- “The Carpooler”

The secret is out: Drew loves making trades and tries to fleece unassuming league-mates (I was one of them 2 years ago). Drew is the carpooler of our club because of his dependence on others to get places. He’s witty, and makes good draft choices and waiver wire pick-ups, but he leeches off of others sometimes. I’m sorry to say that my friend, but it’s true. But hey, you’re happy now that you’ve landed Forte and Luck (who I felt like he reached for, but if you like a guy go get ‘em!) Your RBs are a bit shaky, but Gurley could be a beast if the Rams learn to block and establish a threatening passing game, both big if’s. Like Luck, Drew must shake some of that self-doubt and rust off and be the good signal caller we know they both can be.

4. Denver Taco Scanlan “The crossover”

Half SUV, half hatchback. It’s the car families get when they can’t agree on something and then everyone is happy. Just like the rest of the league is happy that you are carrying Vernon Davis and up until today, Cody Latimer. Honestly it’s might be hard to watch towards the end of the season as Manning continues to take hits and throw ducks until they establish a solid running game. But then things might get a little more uneasy for you hitching your fantasy cart to his younger, less talented brother Eli. You pulled one off against Cellla grabbing Hyde for cheap, but that’s also because it seems a lot of Carlos’ teammates are being paid nothing, because they get paid how they play right?  

5. You’re Killing Me Smalls

Heavy Duty Diesel- Bob

Big, loud, obnoxious, emits foul smelling odors... the list could go on about the similarities between these two. But honestly I think above all these two are also undeniably powerful and no one doubts their ability to get the job done. Bob is most likely, and most surprisingly, the 2nd smartest guy in our league behind our venerated and cherished Master Theologian Ron. Bob's the guy who runs the numbers and everyone looks to for automobile advice. He continues to chug along year in and year out; sometimes he's behind the pack because he's towing an RV, sometimes he leaves you in the dust. Time will tell.  

6. QB Browns- “The Sedan”

The Sedan. Generic, nothing fancy, but it gets the job done quietly. But I mean you don't see a guy brag much about his sedan, and you probably won't see Moutoux brag about his team, or say anything for that matter... But he's got a lot going for him and he's holding onto the #6 spot, along with Bunches of Funchess and Tre Mason, yikes.

7. There’s Something About Murray- Prius

Smart, sleek, 45+MPG. From the beginning everyone doubted and still mocks this car from time to time, but when it come down to it you can't deny its efficiency and dependability. I get the same treatment, but I think a lot of you will admit I have a good team, just some bad “Luck”. And I will admit getting the beat down award from Ron was like being forced to drink a McMush slurpee (a Happy Meal blended all together) but losing to Drew sucks period, but losing to Drew by less than 2 points REALLY sucks. And it brings me back to a dark place after losing to Bob in the championship by an even smaller amount. Anyway, I’m usually the brunt of the jokes and I often get the short end of the stick, but more often than that a couple “smarter”  coaching moves land me a win or two on Sundays. At least I have Palmer, Eifert and Murray!

8. Ronald McDonald- “The Classic”

You could see one piled up in a junkyard one moment, and then fixed up, painted and BAM! it’s the vehicle everyone’s gawking at, wishing they had. They make a big showy performance out for a weekend drive, but then they're back in the garage, rusting away waiting, waiting for their next chance to be unleashed, but maybe that day won't come, who knows. They were nice cars back in the day and now they are REALLY nice cars. You’re a nice guy Ron, but as the old adage says "nice guys finish last” ...or 8th?

9. The Konami Code- “The Convertible”

Most times you see guys out there with their sleek new hot rod, all while they are up to their nose in credit card debt to pay the damn thing off, not really wise. Though their life is coveted, amazing and seemingly wonderful it’s important for us to realize in the end how much it cost. Gore was a wasn’t a huge cost going in the 3rd round, but it looked like he was gonna land on the waiver wire until he finally took a huge step up this weekend. So it looks like you are getting get the value that you expected out of him, however Antonio Brown just lost his QB and is fighting to stay alive catching passes from Vick. Matt you are the Convertible because every year it appears you have a “hot rod” type team, the one most people are envious of (maybe I’m speaking for myself), but we all have to admit that year in and year out Cella is a threat... except for this year. Most of the time come December it looks like Matt is gonna make his perennial playoff push, but the only thing he’s pushing this year is a hot, steamy piece of...  

10. Los Pollos Hermanos “The Minivan”

My, my, my how the mighty have fallen. This year has left Jeff muttering Daniel Ratliff and the Night Sweats hip new song “S.O.B” under his breath. Sucks being on the bottom doesn’t it Jeff? And I mean I shouldn’t even bother addressing you because I feel like at this point you might have already checked out, at least your fantasy team has. Where was I? Oh yes... the one everyone laughs at. Just like the days when you used to laugh at older guys driving a Mom-van, and you end up there yourself a few months later, yea that must be what Jeff is experiencing right now. But hey there’s lots of cargo space for you to use to store those two trophies of yours gathering dust, cluttering up your mantle.

But remember Jeff and Matt...