The Official Week One Power Rankings of the Langhorne Lovable Losers
Matt Cella
Week Power Rankings
Let’s face it. Going into week one we were all hyped up. We did our research, made our picks and set up our lineups believing we had the more optimum lineup than our opponents. Guess what? Half of us were dead wrong. Being on the loser side of week one, I tried to find a moral victory in my lineup. And then I realized that there is no such thing as a moral victory in fantasy football. So many of you guys made the right call and played the right players. But all of us made wrong calls, and the key to winning each week is making the least amount of wrong calls. But even week one can be deceiving. Last year Carlos Hyde looked like the breakout star after week one of the 2015 season. Hyde looked like the newest iPhone, but in reality was a Motorola Razor flip phone (BTW this might be déjà vu for 2016). And who can forget the year that Kevin Ogletree (yes my computer underlined Ogletree in red because even Microsoft doesn’t know who Kevin Ogletree is) was picked up on every leagues waiver wire in 2013 only to put up multiple goose eggs for the remainder of the season. So we all make bad calls.
Yet, the worst call ever in Fantasy Football history happened this past week. ESPN's fantasy football app crashed. It straight up crashed and checking out your scores was impossible. And hopefully nobody had to make any lineup changes, because you were screwed.
As some of you know I was at the Linc watching my Eagles demolish the Cleveland Browns, but I had no idea how to check any of my fantasy teams.
I was forced to use other social media applications to figure out what in the world was going on. That leads us to the first power rankings of the 2016 season.
1. 1. Ambassador of Quan – Jeff Jones
The Linc has one of their scoreboards dedicated to fantasy, so you can check to see which players are having phenomenal days.
Two players that I kept noticing getting mega yards and TDs were AJ Green and Brandin Cooks. Where did freakin’ Brandin Cooks come from? I tried to think which members in our league drafted those players, and then it dawned on me. Jeffrey Jones has both of them! Holy Crap. His team must be lighting it up. I texted Jeff to confirm if he did have both players, and he told me to check his SnapChat. So, at half time I went on Jeff's Snap Chat page and you could tell he was very happy with his fantasy team.
This is new territory for Jeff. He has never made it to number one in my power rankings after week one. Never. But when you look at this Jerry Maguire inspired team; Jeff is demanding that you “show me the money.” And the first ten dollars from Lord Eddy’s bank will be delivered to Jeff this week (assuming he writes this week’s awards).
2. 2. Number Two Crew – The Pileggis
This was my favorite team after draft day. How could it not be? They already had David Johnson on their squad and they had the 2nd overall pick. David Johnson looked incredible Sunday night and the Pileggis have the best arsenal of WRs in the LLL (OBJ, Evans, and Cooper). But back to the Eagles game, I was sure that Matt was stoked about his team. I went on his Instagram account to check on his emotions. I was a bit underwhelmed.
Clearly Matt was struggling to get information on his team. Now, I wasn't a believer in Cooper or Evans this year, but they look good on Sunday (or at least in the highlights I saw on the big screen during the TV timeouts). Again, Matt wasn’t happy
Greg Olsen did not look great on Thursday (tough defense) and Beckem put up the least amount of points for the skill position players. I can't imagine that continuing itself as the season rolls along. Still Matt wasn’t happy.
The weakest part of this team is the quarterbacks which will be matchup plays each week. As long as Matt and Asher make the right decisions at QB the Pileggis will be returning to the championship game, and possibly taking the soon to be made Lord Eddy's Cup home. But, I’m a little afraid of Matt and Asher’s team. Not just because they are loaded, but because Matt seems to get a little violent when things don’t go his way. Watch out for the #2 Crew
3. RONALD MCDONALD – Ron Hoch
The Eagles had an incredible first down drive down the field, but their second offensive drive was a bit boring. To help the time past by I was thinking of the Lovable Losers and Ron came to mind. I admit it. I didn’t like Ron’s team going into the season. I thought Jonathan Stewart was taken to early and Alshon is about as durable as...well..RGIII 2.0. Just then I got a notification on my phone that Ron was doing a periscope. I thought that was weird, why would Ron make a periscope? It was titled "Charles is Out, Ware is In, Bitches." I assumed Ron was excited that Spencer Ware was starting for the Chiefs this week and I watched his Periscope video. I took a screen cap of the periscope since it is no longer online.
By Monday night I knew that Ron had another dominate team. AB proved why he was the first overall pick on Monday, and I'm pretty sure millions of Americans contracted an STD after watching Brown's TD dance.
4. Coronal Mass Ejection – Jack
When it came to Jack's team, I thought what I always thought. "There’s Jack team, dominated by Broncos, boring players, will somehow make the playoffs." I was curious to see who Jack was playing and the ESPN Fantasy App showed me at least Jack's team name. Coronal Mass Ejection? Isn't that the Beat Down team name he received last year? What is the deal? Anyway, I checked on Jack’s Facebook page and he was making some loony posts.
Did anybody else see these? I think Emily made him delete those posts. The CJ Anderson draft pick was very well done. He was a favorite of mine and I would have taken him in the third if he was available to me. Although I'm curious if Jeff would have grabbed him in the 3rd or 4th after the disastrous season Anderson had on Jeff's squad last year. However, I didn't see anything about how wonderful Demaryius Thomas looked? Hmmm
5. You're Killing Me Smalls – Bob Schopf
By halftime the only thing to watch was a guy throwing frisbees to his dog (actually it was pretty cool). But I wanted to know what was going on with Bob's team. Apparently Bob was taking his frustration out on his twitter feed.
Bob will be offended that he is low on this list, but doesn't Bob complain about everything. I could put Bob as the number one team in the Power Rankings and he would still find fault in my evaluation. But here is the truth. Do we really think Drew Brees can put up these kind of numbers on the road? Didn't Carlos Hyde score two touchdowns last year during week one? And I have some major concerns about Gronk? I bet Jeff is writing a “Thank You” note to Bob as we speak for choosing Gronk right before Jeff's first round pick. But there are positives folks. Bob was one of the only believers in Jordan Matthews and it seems like he is Carson's guy. Even with the "dropsies" Matthews had a great game, and the scary thing is that he could have had five or eight points more. Danny Woodhead is still the star of the Chargers' running game, and could Tevin Coleman be the great keeper selection that Bob hoped for at the beginning of last season? We shall see
6. Front Office Ouroboros – Matt Moutoux
I was so excited for fantasy this week, but I was also stoked to watch my Eagles. It was the first time I got to see the Eagles play at home during week one of the season. But then sitting in the row in front of me a Browns fan sat down in his seat. Not knowing any better I thought it was Matt Moutoux (isn’t Moutoux the only Browns fan on the planet). I think most people would have made this mistake.
I then thought of Moutoux’s team and how many of us weren’t excited about Cam Newton and his week one matchup against the Broncos. Newton didn’t do too shabby. As I was looking at the Browns fan sitting in front of me (it wasn’t Moutoux which I’m still a little shocked by) I never heard of a player named Hamley. Could it be one of the Browns first round draft pick busts that I couldn’t remember. But I digress, Moutoux had a strong WR corp with Julio and Doug Baldwin, and Julio was getting the targets from Matt Ryan. I knew Doug Baldwin was going to play well against the Dolphins defense at 4:25. But while I was pondering about Moutoux’s team, some more Browns fans sat in the row in front of me.
Holy crap, they multiplied! I have never seen so many Browns fans together in my entire life. It was like the loch ness monster, aliens from Area 51, and big foot got together to watch a football game. I pulled out my phone to snap a picture, because I wasn’t sure if this occurrence would ever happen again. Speaking of rare, the Eagles Jumbotron wasn’t showing any highlights of Antonio Gates. I assumed he wasn’t haven’t one of his old man monster games.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep my eyes off of all these Brown fans. They were all wearing jerseys of players that currently not on the team. I think Brady Quinn might be dead. But it was Hamley that really caught my attention. Turns out that was his actual last name.
Maybe this guy was the smartest Browns fan of all time (which calculates to five if you include Moutoux). Having your own name on your jersey ensures that the Browns player will never bust, suck, retire, traded, die, or be fantastic on another team.
7. Fuzzy Dunlop – Kevan Rich
I was a little curious how Kevan was doing during week one, since he arguably had the most unique draft strategy. I checked all my social media apps on my phone to check on Kevan’s status, but surprise surprise…Kevan did not put any updates. I was clueless on how Kevan’s team was doing. I chuckled to myself when I remembered what I found in my living room after the draft. Once you guys left on draft day Kevan forgot to take his papers home. I couldn’t help but read the notes that he made.
Actually, somebody during the draft drew this after Kevan drafted DeAngello Williams (this is actually true)
Okay, so Kevan’s team does look pretty good, and he has some bench players that he can plug in once DeAngello gets benched. I also think many of us were wrong on Matt Forte. The dude looks like a workhorse.
8. Kodiak Mystics – Drew Ridley
For the second year in a row I played Drew in week one, and for the second year in a row I watched my QB play on Monday Night only to poop the bed (Bradford last year). As you can imagine I was pretty distraught, so I was texting with Drew just to find comfort with my team.
Okay. Apparently we all have dreams, and some dreams are a little more inappropriate than others.
9. Flash Gordon – Seth Bryan
Seth didn’t have a great start to the 2016 season. He names his team after a player that he benched (Melvin Gordon).
Sidenote, shouldn’t your logo be…
You picked the DC Comic’s Flash logo. Come on man. Kevan is really offended by you lack of respect.
Sidenote over.
And we all know what happened next. By the second quarter of the Eagles game the news came that Keenan Allen was carted off the field. I knew Seth had him, because he took him a few picks before me in the third round. I of course sent a little text to Seth to tease him, but evidently Seth did not find the humor in my comment. A few days later Seth mocked my skills at picking a kicker. That’s right a kicker. Here it is in case you missed it.
I have never seen so much analyst in my life when selecting a kicker. Keep in mind my kicker was my last selection in the draft. Seth seems very adamant to mock me for my 16th round pick, when Seth can’t even make the right 1st round pick. Let’s look at Sethykins first pick.
Todd Gurley.
“And everybody knows” that the Rams have the worst offense in the NFL. This was talked about all preseason. But Seth ended up taking Todd Gurley with the 4th overall pick when “everybody knows” that defenses will focus on stopping the Rams RB, “…well everybody except you.” I already noticed that Seth benched his first round pick. But you know what, it doesn’t matter because Seth is the expert at selecting kickers. Seth is the master of the field goal. I think he needs..no..deserves an award for that. So I bought a kicker trophy off Amazon and I’m sending it Seth’s way.
However, I’m a little stunned that Seth already owns this trophy from his “other league” that he dominates year after year.
So, Gentlemen of the Langhorne Losers, I present to you the greatest fantasy kicker forecaster of all time. Seth Bartholomew Bryan.
10. Waiting for Superman – Matt Cella
When I named my team I wasn’t thinking that I really needed a superman, but boy oh boy does my team need a savior. I clearly have the worst team, and I might need some advice from our kicking expert Seth. I need help Eddy Field. You are my only hope.
So that does it boys. I hope you enjoyed this week’s Power rankings and I can’t wait to see what the next 12 weeks has in store for us.