Thanksgiving Power Rankings- Youth Group Stereotype Edition

[Jeff Jones]

I’ve spent a good amount of my life in Youth Group… middle school, high school and now in leading a youth group as a youth pastor. I can’t help but realize that each Youth Group has some stereotypical characters. This Power Ranking is dedicated to those YOUTH GROUP STEREOTYPES:

10. ’True Love Waits’ Girl

If you have to hear another request from this girl to do a message series on the book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” you might quite on the spot! Adorned with her purity/promise ring and long jean skirts, this girl makes it clear, she’s dating Jesus! Which is ironic because she says that dating is “worldly”, but courtship is God’s way! If a girl and a guy even makes even the slightest flirtatious gesture, this girl comes to the rescue to remind the girl to “guard her heart”. Heaven forbid that if a guy and a girl actually start to date! In that case, True Love Waits Girl jumps into dating police mode. Always making sure they 1) leave room for the Holy Spirit, 2) only give side hugs and 3) don’t allow each other to “stumble.”

Jack- Like the “True Love Waits” Girl, Jack rules his fantasy team by strong convictions and beliefs. What is one of these beliefs? Loyalty. Jack is extremely loyal to his fantasy players: Peyton Manning, Demaryius Thomas, Vernon Davis, Chris Ivory, these are all some staples in Jack’s teams, but more importantly in his heart. Loyalty is a great virtue, (so is “guarding your heart”) but is it possible to be too loyal? It’s cute in 8th grade to be the “True Love Waits” girl but at some point, the girl becomes the weird, cat lady. Jack, maybe you just need to hear this, “Your players don’t have emotions. They don’t even know you exist. It’s okay to part ways. Do what’s best of you. They’ll be alright without you.”

9. The Overzealous Evangelist

You can’t think of one conversation with this guy that wasn’t awkward! Every conversation somehow turns into a “decision making moment”, even with you, the youth pastor! At first, you really appreciated this guy because he actually brought friends to youth group! But the appreciation quickly faded when he introduced his friend to everyone as the “unbeliever”. This guy knew every gimmick and tactic to present the “good news” to “win lost souls”… wordless book, evangicube, flash cards… and don’t forget tracts. If you had a problem, he has a tract for that! Every October you could count on “Overzealous Evangelist” guy to play a big role in planning the Harvest Festival. After all, what better way to have an outreach to those heathen, hell bound, trick-or-treaters?

Moutoux- When breaking down Moutoux’s roster, it isn’t as bad as you think. While most of his roster is good, it’s filled with guys that I wouldn’t necessarily want to own myself. In fact, most of his starters are legit in their ranking but I don’t think it’s enough to make it deep in the playoffs. Andy Dalton somehow is a top 5 QB but would I want him? No. To Ron’s displeasure, Giovani Bernard has been a solid contributor. TY Hilton is a frustrating player to own (I know, I have him in another league). Julius Thomas has not proven to be worth the big contract. Overall, just like any conversation with the “Overzealous Evangelist”, Moutoux’s team is has good intentions but is plain out awkward.

8. The Prayer Warrior

On one hand, you appreciate this girl because you never have to sit too long in awkward silence when you ask for a student to pray. However, her repetitive overuse of the word “just” and phrase “dear God” in her prayers make it hard to focus on what she’s actually is trying to say. Not to mention the constant fear that she is going to gossip in her prayers. “Dear God, we just come to you, dear God, just with humble hearts, dear God. To lift up those that are hurting, dear God. We just pray, dear God, for a girl in my school, dear God, who is with child, dear God. We also just want to lift up, Amy, dear God, who has some big decisions ahead of her. Just put your hedge of protection around her, dear God. We just pray that she makes the right decisions, dear God. I also just want to lift up Tommy, that he just repents of some sin in his life that’s impacting other people. Amen.” Face palm! If there’s one thing that you appreciate about “Prayer Warrior Girl” is that you don’t have to lift a finger in the planning of “See You At The Pole” each fun because she’s on it!

Ron- Determined to change the tides of his fantasy fortunes, Ron got to draft his own team this year! Coming out of the draft, Ron was a force to be reckoned with. I thought Ron’s 6th round keeper was by far the best keeper of last year’s batch, but Jeremy Hill got off to a rough start. Russell Wilson has taken a hit since last year and Ron’s first round pick, Jamaal Charles was out nearly before the season really started. Like the “Prayer Warrior”, Ron’s team has some really good intentions, but the results turn out be underwhelming. The next few weeks are crucial to Ron. If the season ended today, even though his weaker record, Ron would squeak into the playoffs with the 6th playoff slot, based on points. It might be time to throw up some Hail Mary prayers, Ron!

7. The Hipster Worship Leader

Each year, you wonder to yourself, “Do we have the talent to pull together a worship band this year?” You’ve had years where the answer was “no” and you had to come up with some creative programming to fill in the gaps. But this year, you are in luck because you have the “Hipster Worship Leader”. Skinny jeans, Bieber-like hair and an impressive collection of scarves, this guy is one of the best guitarists in his school. Heck, he’s even better than most of the adults in the church. Oddly enough though, this guy always has his guitar on him, almost like a security blank for a toddler. He’s not the most spiritually mature guy but he fools enough people with the amount of Christian cliche phrases that he’s picked up over the years. Most worship sets begin with “God, thanks for the time of fellowship that we just had as we do life together. We thank you for this time of worship. Help us be on fire for you. Sold out for you. Give us a spiritual high to help our walk. God, thanks that you hate the sin, but love the sinner. Amen.” 

Bob- I’m my opinion, Bob is one of the best fantasy drafters in our league. Most years, I leave the draft feeling like Bob did a great job. However, Bob rarely turns his drafting prowess into success. The million dollar question is “WHY?” Like the Hipster Worship Leader, Bob has some raw talent (drafting) but slacks on honing his skills throughout the year (management). Bob’s team is very similar to the one he drafted. He’s only made 18 pickups and has made no trades. His team is good, but not refined enough as the season shifts and evolves. Is Lacy getting back to the fantasy star that we know he can be? Bob’s season may hinge on the answer to that question.

6. The Christian School Slut

O, how your life would be easier without the presence of this girl in your youth group! This once  young, sweet innocent girl grew up the church, goes to the expensive Christian academy and her dad serves faithfully on the church’s finance committee. How did things go so wrong? It probably didn’t help that she “developed” early, but the attention that she got from the boys, especially a couple of grades older than her was intoxicating. What started out as an honest attempt at “missionary dating” has brought many guys into the youth group. It seemed harmless when she was in middle school but now that she is an upperclassmen, you realize the trail of destruction and broken hearts she has left him her wake. You could start an entire “recovery” program of teenage guys that were hooked and then dropped by this girl because “they weren’t God’s will for her.” You’ll be glad to see her graduate and wonder if you can change some rules that you’ve had to implement while she’s been in the youth group like “hand checks” in the church van, completely separate guys/girls lock-ins and the “modest one piece bathing suits only” rule for summer camp.

Kevan- Just like the “Christian School Slut”, Kevan’s team has gotten a lot of attention this year, but truthfully isn’t that hot. His QB depth is the best in the league (insert Agholargate comment here). So how was his successful record achieved? Just like the “Christian School Slut” success comes by taking advantage of the weakness’s of others. For the slut, it’s hormones raging in teenage guys. For Kevan, it’s feeding off of other’s misfortunes. For example, Kevan’s RB situation: Demarco’s whining to get more play time has paid off. McFadden got the nod with Joseph got injured. Starks is able to capitalize on Lacy’s extreme underperformance (Sorry Bob!) Kevan’s luck and the slut’s luck is sure to run out. I wouldn’t be surprised if the once top dog of the league misses the playoffs for the second year. I predict that in spite of a better record, Kevan misses out on the 6th playoff spot because of low “total points for”. Kevan, how much do you hate that 6th playoff spot rule?

5. The Sheltered Home Schooler

This kid surprised you when he showed up at the first youth group of the year. Based on his boyish frame, girlish voice, social skills and emotional maturity, you could have swore this kid was only in 3rd, maybe 4th grade. But 6th grade? Really? But then again, how can you know for sure… he’s home schooled! His mother escorted him to his first youth group night, just to ask you 3 dozen questions about what he should expect tonight at youth group. But what she really wanted to impress was to make sure that his sugar intake would be monitored. Not because of blood sugar or diabetes, but just because “he can get a little wound up with too much sugar.” She also hinted that if the games get too aggressive, she could run home and get a special helmet for him. You assured her that he should be alright, but secretly you wanted to suggest buying deodorant for the little tike. After a few weeks, you wonder if he has any other clothes than awkwardly tight sweatpants and undersized AWANA shirts.  You never have to worry about if he’s entertained because he’s always singing his favorite VeggieTales songs or asking other students is they read all 38 of the Left Behind books. Oh, and how can I forget his most enduring quality… he always speaks in a Smeagol voice from LOTR (he would be insulted if you didn’t get that abbreviation).

Pileggis- Looking at our league’s history, the Pileggi’s have been one of the most recent additions to the league. However, it’s been several years now and it doesn’t seem that your team has hit puberty yet. There’s been moments of optimism though. Cam Newtown has been a pleasant surprise, almost like a first pube hair!  Matt and Asher have one of the strongest WR corps in the entire league. The Broncos DST has been one of the best fantasy contributors of any position this year. But his stable of RBs has been subpar. It’s almost as if your voice is starting to crack with manhood, but it just hasn’t happened yet. Nor will it happen for you this year. 

4. The Overly Emotional Hugger

The girl that everyone avoids because you never know what to expect. Is this the week that she’s bubbly, excited, extroverted and makes sure that everyone gets a hug? Or is this the dreaded week? The week that if you make eye contact with her, she will come and uninvitedly vomit all of her emotional garbage on you? One thing after another of hopelessness and carnage of teenage drama! You know it’s inevitable, you know it’s coming but you can’t hide. Then there’s the crying. Oh the crying! It’s almost as if she will not stop crying until everyone in the youth group acknowledges her pain and gives her a hug.  The students don’t know this but before the school year, the female youth leaders actually pulled straws to see which group would have the “joy of ministering” to the “Overly Emotional Hugger”. All you know is that you pray she doesn’t register for the winter retreat!

Cella- What an anomaly of a year for Cella. Just like the “Overly Emotional Hugger”, this year has had it’s fair share of ups and downs. Most weeks we could find Cella in the corner crawled into the fetal position rocking back and forth because of the pains of this cruel life. In years past, we could count on Cella to be the initiator of smack talk and board discussions. However, we have even seen the wounds of his worst season turn toward an all time level of pessimism, cynicism and sass. In spite of the lows this year, I have given Cella the biggest jump in the Power Rankings this week. The tide seems to be changing and the sun is peaking through the clouds. Over the last 3 weeks, Cella has been on a tear! If things keep up at this pace, Cella will find himself in the playoffs (If not by record, by points scored). I see a lot of similarities with Cella’s team to my end of the season surge to the championship from last year. Watch out, guys! Either way, it looks like we’re getting a hug from Cella next time we see him!

3. The Youth Group Lifer

Every youth group has this guy. Actually, he’s no longer in youth group. He graduated a few years ago but never really assimilated into “big church”, so he just keeps showing up at youth group. You’re stumped because he isn’t leader material but he isn’t a student either. You don’t want to kick him out but you don’t bring any attention to him either. He’s always telling stories about the good ol’ days of youth group. The girls are little creeped out by him but the middle school guys thinks he awesome! After all, only middle school guys think a complete wardrobe of Christian t-shirts, a WWJD bracelet and a Christian music collection is awesome! But really though, “Abreadcrumb & Fish”. C’mon, man!

Jeff- My team seems to be just like the Youth Group lifer, I just keep hanging around. After a slow start to the season, I found myself surging with a 6 game winning streak. My team was strong and I was feeling confidant that I was on my way to defend my title and win back-to-back-to-back championships! Then, Foster goes down (which I believe is the work of Cella having a Arian Foster voodoo doll). Next, was Dion Lewis. Then, Justin Forsett. At least I still have my 1st round RB, CJ Anderson! Oh wait. Whoops! My team has been significantly weakened. Do I have what it takes to win it all again? Perhaps. We’ll have to see!

2. The Intense Gamer

“What game are we playing tonight?” That is the first thing out of this guys mouth each week at youth group. If the answer doesn’t have the word “dodgeball” in it, he gets not just disappointed, but a little irrationally upset. He either wears a tank top or a sleeveless tee. Even in the winter. Unlike “Sheltered Home School” boy, you never have to worry if the “Intense Gamer” has deodorant. In fact, you can normally smell the abundance of Axe Body Spray from across the room. It’s so bad that you actually banned “spray” deodorant from any retreats or camps, just because of him. While most students simply enjoy game time, Intense Gamer boy lives for it. Every game means war! 

Seth- Sethykins has been very active this year. Maybe a little too active. Hyperactive, perhaps? Like the “Intense Gamer”, his goal is brut force, not exactly tactful precision and strategy. Seth’s 52 free agent acquisitions leads the league so far. It seems like his strategy is to keep picking up guys to see if they hit. Although many pickups haven’t worked, some have been gold like Barnidge, Carr, West. Seth was competing with Bob (Lacy) and I (Anderson) for the biggest bust of the year award with Lamar Miller, but the BYE week coaching change for Miami was the best thing for Seth’s team. Especially with the exit of LeVeon Bell for the season.(Seth, I feel your pain). I hate to admit it but Seth’s team might be the strongest that he’s had in a long time, maybe ever. I wouldn’t be surprised if Seth surges deep into the playoffs. Maybe, with a bit of luck, Seth could take it all this year!

1. The Know It All

You just finished giving the week’s message that you worked so hard on. You sensed the Holy Spirit’s direction with this message all week! You sensed that the students were really tracking with you. They were staying off their phones! Giving you eye contact! Some even nodded at times! Woah! And what was that? Did you see a tear in one students’ eyes? Man, you nailed it! Praise God, great message! Until the “Know It All” girl comes up to you immediately after the closing prayer. Without any emotion on her face, she begins, “I just wanted to inform you that you referenced the wrong verse when citing the passage. You said verse 18, but it was really verse 19. Second, the way in which you mentioned the application was out of context of the original text. Lastly, I would check the Greek root of the word before assuming its meaning next time.” You force a a smile and say, “Thanks! You better be on your way to small group!” As she walks away you keep smiling but slowly whisper through your teeth, “You graceless, legalistic, fundie, little bi…..bible thumper.”

Drew- Drew has done a lot of right things this year. In my opinion, Drew’s draft was filled with many blunders and I thought his team was trashed before Week 1. I remember driving back with Taco to MA the night of the draft we were astonished at the week team that he drafted. However, Drew has proven that success isn’t found in the draft but in the constant management and upkeep of your team throughout the season (Take notes, Bob!). Drew has made the 2nd most amount of transactions this year with a total of 42. He’s pulled off some trades that have turned into gold. As much as I hate to admit it, the “Know It All” is actually right. Drew has done a lot of right things this year. He’s performing consistently high week in and week out. Barring some late season injuries, Drew will be a force to be reckoned with from here on out.