2017 Week One Power Rankings
Matt Cella
On October 3, 1996 I had a decision to make.
I had just started high school in a large district in Bucks County, and as you could imagine I was nervous. My grades actually started to count, my teachers were tougher, and there were a ton of new faces in my classes. In fact, there wasn’t one person I knew that ate at my lunch. Fortunately some guys let me sit on the end of their table to eat my lunch and listen to their “colorful” conversations. Many of the topics they discussed were areas I was unfamiliar with and rarely could I contribute anything meaningful. However, every Friday at lunch they guys would spend the entire 42 minutes talking about a TV show that aired on Thursday nights, Seinfeld. I had never seen the show, but recognized the name since it was a show my dad would watch from time to time. So, I decided that I was going to sit with my parents the next Thursday night in October to watch my first Seinfeld.
The episode was titled The Bizarro Jerry, which hilariously taught me the wonderful word, “man-hands.” In the episode, Elaine becomes friends with a new bunch of guys which oddly seem like the polar opposite of her old friends Jerry, George, and Kramer. Although I didn’t get all the jokes I came away having a new favorite show, and chock full of one liners that I could use at lunch the next day with the guys. I was in. I was immediately accepted by the lunch table and I made sure I never missed a Seinfeld ever again. It seems odd, but Seinfeld helped make my first year of high school a little easier.
I always have those memories when I watch The Bizarro Jerry, and I can’t help but find some similarities from that episode our fantasy football league.
1. Jerry - Almost Perfect (Matt Pileggi)
The star of the show. He might not be the best character, but there is no Seinfeld without Jerry. The tv show was the number one show in the country when Jerry decided to call it quits in 1999. Cast members, producers, and fans alike begged Jerry to do another season. The point is that without Jerry there was no show. The rumor was that Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine Benes), Michael Richards (Cosmo Kramer), and Jason Alexander (George Costanza) were furious over Jerry Seinfeld’s decision to end the show. Both Michael Richards and Jason Alexander have never had success after Seinfeld’s run.
Once again, Matt Pileggi proves that he is the team to beat in the LLL. He once again takes home another Eddy award, and everybody in the league remains jealous and furious. Over the past 14 fantasy football weeks going back to last year, only one team beat him…ONE! His sixth round keeper in Kareem Hunt might be the best keeper pick I have ever seen (Ron weeps in the corner as his Spencer Ware keeper is a bust). The silver lining for the other nine people that try to compete in this league is that Matt’s team isn’t nearly as dominate as it was last year.
2. Elaine – Front Office Ouroboros (Moutoux)
Elaine is normally intelligent and assertive, but also quite superficial. She's 'one of the boys.' Her traits are usually edgy and irrational and she has a tendency to easily get angry with almost everybody. She's also known for ruining her friends' ambitions, like throwing George's wig out the window. She appeared in every single episode except the first one. The producers told creators Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David that they must create a female lead, or there would be no show. Without Elaine, this famous series would have died after one episode.
Moutoux is an intelligent and assertive force after week one, and his number one pick didn’t even play (Mike Evans). Moutoux is playing angry and using players that all of us had questions about going into the season. Lamar Miller, Sammy Watkins, and even stinkin’ Todd Gurley. These guys were all on my DND list, and Moutoux was able to use his charm to get these guys to dance (hopefully not this dance).
Overall Moutoux is going to be a main character in the 2017 season, and he will not be an easy matchup.
3. George – The Roose (Jared)
By far my favorite character on the show. George is known for being loud, obnoxious, cheap and slobbish. Costanza always got himself in peculiar situations, and the audience always laughed as the worst possible moments always happened to George. But every once in a while George would have a breakthrough (working for the Yankees, getting out of a bad engagement after his fiancé died, etc).
Jared might take this as an insult, and it is if I was comparing a person as a citizen. But this is fantasy boys, and you do whatever you can to get ahead like George. Jared came in with a loud bang. He fits right in, drops some smack on the message boards, and lets his team do the talking. He is obnoxious and cheap by finding some great steals with the Rams and TE Austin Hooper, which any one of us could have taken. However, I feel some of Jared’s week one performances will be difficult to repeat. Hooper only had two targets, and it is rare to have a defense score nearly 30 points. And is Brandon Marshall done? He should have dominated with Beckham out of the lineup.
4. Kramer – Rise of the Greenman (Cella)
I’m sure there are many Seinfeld fans that love this character the most. Kramer is likable and incredibly funny. He is a character that always borrows items from the other characters like Jerry's groceries or even items he finds in the trash. He will burst through the door without warning. And is filled with zany schemes which often are seen through to the end.
As the Kramer in this analogy I created I feel that I have been scheming for a while to create a dominate fantasy team. But just like Kramer I have yet to produce something worth wild over the last few seasons, yet fail to give up without a fight. In week one this week I thought I could play Carson Palmer in a seemingly great match up…wrong. How about Tyler Eifert? Nope. Martavis Bryant against the Browns? Two catches for 14 yards. My schemes will have to continue.
5. Man Hands – Matt Doesn't Like My Name (Bob)
This is also the infamous “man hands” episode, where Jerry can’t get over the fact that his date has freakishly masculine hands. At first, Jerry is fascinated by the beautiful girl he starts dating, but things take a turn for the worse when he notices a distinguishable flaw. In this episode Gillian (aka Man Hands) is one of the main characters.
Bob always starts each fantasy season with a very good looking team. It certainly doesn’t help scoring the fourth highest amount of points but losing to the team with the highest. So what is Bob’s big flaw? Well it is week one, so it hasn’t been unveiled yet, but it is coming. Jerry thought his date was gorgeous when he met her, but didn’t find out her flaw till later. Could it be that Bob’s devotion to Drew Brees prevents him from playing the LLL’s second best QB Matt Stafford? It will be quite a day when Bob is forced to sit his most beloved weapon.
6. Gene- Philly Breakfast Bunch (Ron)
Gene is the George character in the bizarro world. Gene is shown to be quiet, courteous, charitable and well-dressed. It is quite humorous to see how similar and yet different Gene is to George. For a bonus fact. In the episode “The Pilot” (which isn’t the first episode of Seinfeld) Jeremy Piven played George Costanza when Jerry and George were writing their own tv show, Jerry.
Ron feels a lot like George’s opposite. He is quiet, thinks of others, and tries to win at fantasy politely. It is possible that Ron knew that Tom Brady was going to have a bad game just so Jack didn’t feel so bad about his rotten team. Ron’s team is bursting with talent, and many guys just under performed or just haven’t made it big yet. Will year 3 be the season Amari Cooper breaks out? Can Paul Perkins do something significant with the NY starting job? And will Issiah Crowell crack the top 5 with an improved offensive line? Ron will most likely not answer these questions, but that is exactly his character.
7. Kevin - Whole 'Notha Level (Asher)
The Kevin (spelled with an i) is the polar opposite of the star of the show, Jerry. Elaine describes Kevin as Jerry's opposite since Kevin is reliable and kind, contrasted to Jerry's forgetfulness and indifference.
It seems fitting that the opposite of our Jerry, Matt Pileggi, is actually Asher Pilieggi. He is kind, has gone along with all of our silliness and has never once complained. However, the old saying goes that nice guys finish last. The Kevin from this Seinfeld, is not a memorable character (I had to look up what the character’s name was online). There were some players on Asher’s squad who just weren’t able to live up to the high expectation. ODB didn’t play, Gronk struggled against a tough Kansas City D, Christian McCafferty had to score 40+ points in order to live up to his preseason hype, and keeper pick Willie Snead is suspended for the first three weeks. There is certainly hope with Asher’s squad, but getting a week One “L” is not a great way to start the season.
8. Vargus – Ambassador of Quan (Jeff)
I’m sure some of you are wondering when Newman the mailman will be appearing on the list. While Newman is certainly a favorite he did not appear in this episode. But the Bizarro version of Newman shows up briefly and he is known as Vargus. If Newman is primarily Jerry's nemesis, then Vargus is Kevin’s (Jerry's Opposite) best friend who just so happens to work for FedEx.
If Matt Pileggi had one nemesis it would have to be the guy that stole his championship gold away from him last season. Commish Poopypants was absolutely destructive to the “Almost Perfect” season, but Jeff is not Newman. He is not sinister or even distasteful. In fact Jeff fits the role of opposite Newman. A great guy that wants fantasy to be a place to build friendships. But don’t let the three time champ fool you. The fact that Matt Pileggi believes Jeff usually loses his first games of the season is a giant mistake. Jeff has won week one three of the last four seasons. Jeff is just waiting to strike with explosive players that were benched week one that will become every week starters (Gilislee and Cobb). Will Jeff make it four in a row?
9. Feldman – Massachussetts Taco Scanlan (Taco)
Feldman acts generously to his friends, regularly buying them lunch and bringing Kevin (Bizarro Jerry) groceries. He also always knocks on Kevin's door and waits for him to unlock it. Feldman has good ideas which he rejects as silly.
The opposite of Kramer just isn’t that fun. And losing the first overall pick in week one is a lot like that…no fun. I’m not sure how to paint a positive picture. How about this?
Try not to get the Sethykins Award (Formerly Known as the Toilet Bowl Award) this season
10. Bizarro - Fuzzy Dunlop (Kevan)
The title of the episode is actually a reference to one of Superman’s enemies, Bizaro. He is basically a clone of Superman, but the polar opposite of Superman. He actually breathes fire, shoots freeze rays out of his eyes, and is weak around blue kryptonite. In other words…he sucks. Batman, and even Spiderman, have a great rogues gallery. But Superman’s arch enemies are pathetic. I have never met anybody that says Bizarro is their favorite Superman villain. To be frank, I never met anybody who likes any of Superman’s villains.
Kevan’s team is just well…bizarre. Sure he has stars on his team, but some just weren’t able to come through. Did anybody notice that both Jonathan Stewart and LeGarrete Blount scored receiving touchdowns? Or how about the fact that DeAngelo Williams is still on Kevan’s team, even though DeAngelo Williams isn’t on a real NFL team. Or what about Kevan’s ol’ reliable strategy of being one of the first teams to draft a defense wasn’t a great decision. His Cardinals were smashed by the lowly Detroit Lions. Finally, Kevan will be remembered for Nelson Agholor on his past teams, but was horrible, and this year he might actually be a player that cracks to top 30 at the end of the season. In other words bizarre. Now I’m sure Kevan will turn his team around, but each week will be difficult decision after difficult decision. He had some nice performances from his bench in week one, but is he really going to trust Jonathan Steward and Monham Sanu to be every week starters.
Week One Power Rankings are in the book. Looking forward to some comments and another great camaraderie this fantasy season.