Hindrances

[Jean Jastillana]

Hi guys,

Where do I start? I know this is really random as I never send out e-mails to this particular address. However, I feel like maybe it's time that I came clean to you all and clarified a few things regarding me. I remember once before when I tried to "clarify" things and air out whatever "issues" I had and it didn't turn out so great. It clarified things later on, alright, but some of you had to find out through a "loaded" myspace blog. That definitely wasn't cool. So... I decided I might as well just write an e-mail. It might answer questions some of you might have about me, or why I've been acting a certain way. Hopefully, I can give you guys more of a sense as to where I'm coming from... I ask that this be read with an open mind and heart and please... don't pre-judge just from what I'll say.

This last month hasn't been the easiest for me. The small handful of people I chose to confide to regarding that know just how much I've struggled to find my footing. I'm happy to say that I have grown a great deal from the experience, and spiritually, I finally found my way again. I feel like... I actually have a deeply personal, rich relationship with God again. To me, that means the world... Him restoring me in every way has been the biggest blessing of all. However, I've been nurturing my faith, mostly distant from you guys who... really... should be the ones I turn to for support, in a sense.

There's probably a lot of unspoken questions from you guys regarding why I seem to have been so distant and removed from the group. I haven't attended small group, I haven't gone to fellowship-only nights, and I rarely talk to most of you guys (with the exception of my brother whom I usually take out with me to places and have my own separate "bonding" time with--usually over food). Well...

I will apologize right now and ask each of you for your forgiveness. I remember the last time the same exact issue has come up, and I thought that at that time it had been resolved, but slowly... it seemed to me... that the issue at hand wasn't quite resolved. What issue, you ask? The "issue" of me feeling like I'm completely excluded and not really feeling a genuine sense of belonging in the group.

I know what you may be thinking. "Well... you don't feel that way because you haven't been around." And maybe so. But at the same time, I just feel like (and again, this is from the way I look at things from my personal vantage point) I don't quite belong or I'm not supposed to be even talking to you guys or you don't really want to talk to me. Sure, I talk to most of you every once in a while, but... a huge part of me right now is missing the way I used to be. Back in Saipan, my life practically revolved around my then-youth group. I was close to every single one of my youth pastors and their wives, babysat their kids, was one of the core youth group leaders, had my own little small group made up of kids from the small group, went to every single youth night, overnight lock-ins, toured the island with my youth group, etc. There were so many people that I knew I could turn to no matter what, whom I absolutely knew would be there for me no matter what, whom I could call up and go out/hang out with, and... practically each and every one of them, I could call a "friend".

I'm not saying you guys haven't been friends to me or whatever. But moreover, and it's been going on for the course of a few months now... I just feel like I'm more of an outsider looking in. I can't seem to bond with the youth group here for whatever reason, they never really talk to me either. I distinctly remember asking one of you to go to the movies with me at one point... or just to hang out... and that person FORGOT. And as much as I am appreciative that my brother is close to you guys and I'm glad he has you guys, I feel like he automatically gets asked to go out while I'm usually the person who's... more of an add-on. Like... someone who you just remembered happens to be right next to my brother and is being invited just out of politeness.

Trust me, I long to be more involved. It used to be that I had wanted to become a youth pastor; you can ask any of the pastors I've teamed up with during my high school years, and they'll tell you that I was so active... I mean, I couldn't see myself not ever being involved in youth/young adult ministry. Now, I feel like the dream has faded for me. How can I be involved when... I don't even have a bond with any of you?

I know that most of you have tried and invited me to come to small group and attend the fellowship nights. But honestly? I just haven't had the heart to go, with the exception of this last week starting this past Sunday when I went to the bbq. But before that? I just... I just felt like I couldn't go. It's this horrible feeling of being outside a certain clique in school, not really feeling like I'm all that close to anyone in the group, etc.

I know I'm rambling; please bear with me.

Maybe what's stopped me is because I have held a grudge that I have been unable to let go of. I just never brought the issue up, feeling like none of you might understand. I will also own up to feeling angry at times. Angry, and very much ALONE. I've been wishing that things were just like they were when I was active in my old youth groups. That I was more involved, felt like I was more bonded with you guys. But all I've been feeling is distance... and of course, with me being really stubborn, I maintained that distance. It has gotten to the point where I felt like I just can't relate, I can't confide, and... it just seems like people may care about that, but it's a half-hearted type of concern.

Speaking of concern, I'm going to commend one of you right now. One of the main reasons why I'm even wanting to try again (aside from God really convicting me because of me not letting go of my personal issues/grudge) is, well... Ate Mary Ann.

Like everyone, she's always said hi and we've talked in passing during church services. However, starting last Friday... I don't know why but I got to really open up to her about some things and what came next was really amazing, and a blessing for me. Not that I didn't expect that she'd be listening to me like that and responding in the way that she did, but... I felt truly understood for the first time in ages. For once, I didn't feel like I was on the outside, or that she was just talking to me. She actively listened to whatever I had to say, and offered her views, and... it just all around felt like a real conversation, close to something I would have with any one of my closest, longtime friends. I haven't told her just how much I appreciated that, and how much it changed my stance on attending small group again, but it did. In a HUGE way. Then... on Monday, she asked me about possibly doing one to one discipleship and also, whether I was up to go out for a run/walk with her in the mornings. Although we haven't discussed (at length) what we'd be doing for the discipleship and the morning runs/walks, I really--and I mean, REALLY--appreciated her even telling me about it and asking me if I was interested. I can't really remember in the longest time when someone had taken a little more time to kind of... include me in things. Whatever she did, I believe God worked through her and used her to break through to me... since I know and will admit that my heart has been kind of hardened towards the idea of attending college group again. Now, I'm starting to be more open.

You guys... please don't take all this the wrong way. That's been one of my concerns before I ever opened up about what I'd been feeling. What I'm trying to say is that... I seem to have been really distant cuz I've FELT really distant from you guys. I feel like no one's really quite reached out to me except for just to invite me to small group. That's it. I'm not saying that that doesn't count as reaching out (asking me to come over) but I would've really appreciated it if someone would've just randomly texted me or left a comment or e-mailed me and just simply asked me how I was doing. A long while back, I used to do that and tried to apply myself, so to speak... try to make the effort to get close to you guys but... it just kind of blew up in my face a bunch of times. That, needless to say, discouraged me. I'm glad that Jays gets messages from you guys within the group almost all the time... but it just seems like no one's really bothered to ask me anything aside from "hey, come to small group". The past month had been especially hard for me as certain things had happened, and although I feel much better now (and possessing a different outlook)... I think I would've been able to recover faster if I truly felt like I could turn to you guys and you guys were behind me. I realize that the life of a Christian is a journey... and that no one can go through this journey alone. God blesses us with people that we can support and encourage throughout this journey. All this time, I mean... I've remained in touch with my former youth pastors and with it, I remember how they really, truly encouraged me and really made me feel included. I remember them constantly being concerned about me outside of the group and the activities... and TO THIS DAY, they are still like that. I believe that's part of what helped me to get incredibly involved with my youth group at the time... and it has maintained my ties with them even though we all live miles apart from each other. THAT... that relationship is the kind that I hope to have with EACH and EVERY ONE of you guys.

I hope I got my point across. I know I may have been kind of all over the place, but... that's the way my thoughts have been kinda running. Don't think that I hate you guys or never want to see your faces again or whatever. This is just how I've felt over the course of many months, and I feel like it's about time I got rid of my pride, opened up, told you honestly what's been going through my head the past couple months, and tried again. I'm sorry if I've seemed aloof and detached to many of you, but hopefully this e-mail has given you more of an idea of why, what it was that I was looking for/hoping for from being in the group, and all that stuff.

I hope to re-establish a relationship with each one of you guys--an honest, sincere, REAL, GENUINE, God-centered relationship. And I also hope that you can forgive me for holding a grudge which has resulted in me being away for so long.

I'll see you all tonight (though I don't know if I can play and run around and be all that mobile).

God Bless.
Jean