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It is with great pleasure and also a little bit of humiliation that I must say, I am simply craving Candy! The new Hulu miniseries, premiering May 9th, is the six billionth true crime series to begin airing this year alone. But this one has what none of those others do: the strangely enigmatic presence of one Jessica Biel!
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Peacock, once thought to be the failing brainchild of NBC and whatever sick mind thought up The Boss Baby, continues to prove its worth (after Real Housewives Ultimate Girls Trip and the same-day streaming premiere of Marry Me, naturally).
The 94th annual Oscars ceremony, which would normally be irrelevant five days after the it ended, has only continued to permeate our collective consciousness due to The Slap. I so wish I could be talking about the 2011 Australian miniseries turned 2015 NBC Miniseries starring Uma Thurman and Penn Badgley in his first \u201Cbig\u201D post-Gossip Girl role, but unfortunately, I\u2019m not. You know what happened by now, quite literally the whole world does. The last time news of something spread this quickly around the world, we were still calling COVID \u201CCorona.\u201D
The Slap has done the impossible by proving that the most annoying and insufferable people in your life have always had a much greater capacity for unpleasantness than you ever knew. Where I watched an event unfold on live television and thought, \u201CHoly shit, that\u2019s one of the wildest things I\u2019ve ever seen happen at an award show, and I watched La La Land accept Moonlight\u2019s Oscar, which should\u2019ve been split with Paddington 2,\u201D others decided that this was simply their opening to spout opinions online that ranged from myopic to downright egregious. There was not one moment after this happened where I thought, \u201CLet me read another white person\u2019s opinion on what they think are the ramifications of this situation.\u201D And yet, their fingers were tapping away faster than ever to serve up racist dog whistles anyway.
\u201CHe could have killed him\u201D is kind of, objectively, the funniest way to start a tweet. Thank goodness that the director of Knocked Up and Leslie Mann\u2019s husband could offer us this much needed take we were all clamoring to him for.
Anyway. That\u2019s enough outta me. The only other thing I have to offer is that the G.I. Jane joke was like, the hackiest shit imaginable. You see a woman wearing her hair low and that\u2019s the first thing you come up with, a reference to a 25-year-old Demi Moore film? The whole audience should\u2019ve been throwing tomatoes. Aaaaand that\u2019s about all I have to say on the matter! Everyone\u2019s opinions are already out there, and if you really want another perspective on the situation, ask one of your Black friends! Their insights regarding the optics of the situation and its aftermath are much more important and relevant to the larger conversation than mine.
Caitlyn approached Gaga and was caught on film by an angel sent to earth to do God\u2019s bidding. Ever the stereotype of herself, she opened the interaction with the question, \u201CYou still spendin\u2019 time out in Malibu?\u201D It always comes back to Malibu with Ol\u2019 Cait. \u201CYes,\u201D Gaga replies. Caitlyn then remarks that she hasn\u2019t seen Gaga at Starbucks lately, leaving Gaga to deliver an earth-leveling blow: \u201CI\u2019ve-I\u2019ve switched baristas,\u201D said with a look of pure disdain toward the Olympian-Turned-Wannabe-Politician who is currently on a mission to \u201Cprotect the integrity of girls in sports\u201D (not linking to her Insta page so she can get the traffic to buy another new knee, but it\u2019s there) by campaigning against young trans people joining extracurricular physical activities\u2014aka total loser behavior. Your final, precious years on Earth and that\u2019s how you\u2019re gonna spend it? Gotcha.
It\u2019s actually impressive to see Gaga, ever the over-thinker, maintain her decorum in the presence of a person who is so opposite everything she stands for. And to deliver such a quippy, eviscerating one-liner, too. If someone ever told me they switched baristas to get away from while giving me this face, I\u2019d pour my weekly Friday afternoon venti quad latte all over myself just to feel some sensation other than the scarring emotional pain\u2026
The entirety of the 94th annual Oscars was simply a fever dream. Not since the time in 2015 that I ordered suspiciously affordable lobster ravioli and got food poisoning, causing me to spend three days oscillating between my bed and my bathroom, have I experienced such a wild sensation. My head still feels hot when I think about everything that occurred on Sunday night. And we haven\u2019t even mentioned Mac & Cheese, Scientology\u2019s first mascot!
Finally, as every celebrity continues to offer their panicked detractions of Will Smith\u2014as if they\u2019re all worried they\u2019ll lose money if they don\u2019t speak up, like they don\u2019t know firsthand there are essentially no repercussions for defending much more egregious examples of systematic abuse in Hollywood\u2014I would like to highlight the one person brave enough to speak out in defense of the situation, taking it to a place of Horny.
\u201CYou better suck his dick from the back, girl\u201D got lost on Sunday, but I want to sit with it for just a little bit longer. For what is drama, if not equally balanced with its diametric opposite, laughter?
Smoking a fat joint and wearing a dress that appears to be the malevolent hand of Beelzebub gripping your neck all night is, frankly, one of the bravest things I\u2019ve ever seen anyone do in my entire life. Panic attacks when you walk into the bathroom and see yourself in the mirror be damned. Julia Fox, somehow\u2026of all people, continues to be our shining beacon of clarity. An infallible totem upon which all pop culture must be funneled through. An unshakable and omnipotent god. An author, pushing her pen.
Walking the step and repeat of the Vanity Fair Oscars party with \u201CMy Edible Just Peaked\u201D bloodshot eye game is one thing, to wear a $15,000 Han Kj\u00F8benhavn dress and a $350 Charlie Le Mindu bag covered in human hair while plugging the in-progress manuscript of a book you\u2019re writing is another entirely. And it\u2019s precisely why Julia Fox rules\u2014she\u2019s playing the game with much more willingness and cunning than anyone else right now. On any other given Oscars night, some of the biggest headlines would be hers, but given that Will Smith\u2019s palm managed to shift the Earth off of its axis, nothing is as it should be.
Complaining about the above gets you a big old honking BORING on the Am I Fun and Do I Enjoy Silly Things scale. What do you want celebrities to do? You don\u2019t want them to smack each other in the face, you don\u2019t want them to wear Xenomorph grip necklines and offer satirical humor to reporters, you don\u2019t want them to win Best Actress for the best performance of the year? Tell me what you\u2019re looking for\u2026quickly, because it sounds like you\u2019d be better off finding that in the pages of a good, old-fashioned thing they call a book. Luckily, Julia Fox\u2019s will be out sometime soon.
By all accounts, Jessica Biel is someone who I should not like\u2014or, at the very least, not trust. She\u2019s married to Justin Timberlake. First strike. Her stance on vaccinations is murky at best. Second strike. She starred in not one but two Garry Marshall celebrity-cameo-compilation-vignette films (Valentine\u2019s Day AND New Year\u2019s Eve). Strike three! Now, I don\u2019t know much about baseball besides that I like that they wear their socks over their pants and they all have fat asses, but I do believe that\u2019s a three strike and you\u2019re out-er! Except\u2026I just can\u2019t resist a Jessica Biel role!
Miz Bee-\u00E9l should absolutely not have this kind of hold over me. She is, by all accounts, one of (if not the) most boring actresses working today. Virtually no captivating presence outside of her roles and not a lot of bankable charisma to interest an audience. AND YET I find myself completely entranced by her. Dare I say\u2026she\u2019s a great actress! And I was never convinced until I saw the first season of The Sinner aka That\u2019s One Twisted Sister! (Real Sinnerheads know). As both star and executive producer on that show, Jessica Biel managed to prove to me that I know nothing about anything. Maybe I shouldn\u2019t be vaccinated! Just kidding.
Candy is being billed as a \u201Cfive-night event,\u201D meaning that a new episode will air for five consecutive nights in May, which is something that they just don\u2019t do enough of anymore! It\u2019s reserved purely for Christmas specials and Grey\u2019s Anatomy\u2019s 29th season finale. Personally, I can\u2019t wait to see Jessica Biel portray an axe murderer in the 80s across five nights in May. That just feels like home to me. And certainly, this is a woman who knows a thing or two about candy. Never forget the now-shuttered Au Fudge restaurant, gone too soon. Let\u2019s just say, WeHo was not the place to market decadent desserts unless they come with a shooter and a hit of Rush.
No, there is not yet a release date, but Capitol Records (Sky\u2019s longtime label that has been her apparent source of beleaguered duress since the release of her 2013 debut, Night Time, My Time\u2014though that\u2019s somewhat up for debate) has even posted the same clip to their Twitter account, meaning that she is indeed coming and there seems to be a release plan in motion! It seems almost astonishing to be talking about this moment as reality now, in 2022, but maybe great art really just does take time. Maybe there really was nine years of roadblocks and speed bumps. We\u2019ll see when \u201CDon\u2019t Forget\u201D is released\u2026sometime in the near(?) future! See you in 2032, Sky!
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