Warning Signs That You\'re Dating a Loser

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Warning Signs That You\'re Dating a Loser

"The Loser"
Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and
politeness. In
the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it's difficult to
determine
what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are
guarded,
trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible
without seeming
like a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A
relationship
with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache,
emotional/social damage, and even physical damage. A damaging adult
partner can
damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel
about love and
romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving,
supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction"
often
described in movies. There are a variety of "bad choices" that may be
encountered each week - most of which are easily to identify and
avoid. We all
know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them
as a
dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their
personality
and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about
these
very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of
individual commonly
found in the dating scene, a male or female labeled "The Loser".
"The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional
and
psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent
personality
characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics
that they
accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological
difficulty.
In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and
behavior, often
something they probably learned from their relatives/family.
Psychologists
usually treat the victims of "The Loser", women or men who arrive at
the office
severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally
destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of
"The
Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify
potentially
damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged
emotionally
or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these
features, there
is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and
you are
involved with "The Loser" in a very high risk relationship that will
eventually
create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present
- it's
not a probably or possibility. You will be hurt and damaged by "The
Loser" if
you stay in the relationship.
1. Rough Treatment "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or
she
hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or
breaks
your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin
with
behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers
often slap,
kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
2. Quick Attachment and Expression "The Loser" has very shallow
emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might
attract you
to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says "I Love You" or wants to
marry or
commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you'll
hear that
you're the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and
they want
to marry you. You'll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be
showered with
their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" -
where they
catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever
happened to
you. Remember the business saying "If it's too good to be true it
probably is
(too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of
instant
attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future
that you'll
miss the major point - it doesn't make sense!! Normal, healthy
individuals
require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so
much at
stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a lot of information before
offering a
commitment - not three weeks. It's true that we can become infatuated
with
others quickly - but not make such unrealistic promises and have the
future
planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of
shallow
emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly
as they
committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry
you in less
than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
3. Frightening Temper "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your
boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like
driving too
fast because they're mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into
fights, or
threatening others - that temper will soon be turned in your
direction. In the
beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed
violence" -
fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others,
etc. You
will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness
this temper -
throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls,
and kicking
things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and fear their potential
for
violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry
at others
or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they
will
never direct the hostility and violence at you - but they are
clearly
letting you know that they have that ability and capability - and that
it might
come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them -
fearing that
same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
4. Killing Your Self-Confidence "The Loser" repeatedly puts you
down.
They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on
guard",
unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always
doing
something wrong. They tell you that you're too fat, too unattractive,
or don't
talk correctly or look well. This gradual chipping away at your
confidence and
self-esteem allows them to later treat you badly - as though you
deserved it. In
public, you will be "walking on eggshells" - always fearing you are
doing or
saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal
argument.
5. Cutting Off Your Support In order to control someone
completely,
you must cut off their supportive friends - sometimes even their
family. "The
Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer
negative
opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these
friends
treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don't understand the
special nature
of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can't get rid
of your
best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at
them. If
you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by
asking
multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather
than face the
verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you'll develop the
feeling that
it's better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from
friends
and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then
tells you
they are treating you badly again and you'd be better to keep your
distance from
them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control
over you
can increase.
6. The Mean and Sweet Cycle "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet
and
back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and
mean. You
may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor.
Suddenly,
the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did
when you
started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the
last one.
The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say
very nasty
things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your
self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes but the
damage to
your self-esteem is already done - exactly as planned.
7. It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger
as
well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you,
yell at
you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly
- it's
somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your
fault that
the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and
pouts the
rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior
would not
have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them
more, or
had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never",
takes
personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of
someone
else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver
off the
highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver
(not his)
as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give
you the
impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and
deserved the
anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
8. Breakup Panic "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up -
unless it's totally their idea - then you're dropped like a hot rock.
Abusive
boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to
change, and
they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten ending the
relationship. Both
male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to
old
sweethearts (who feel lucky they're gone!), or threaten to quit their
job and
leave the area - as though you will be responsible for those
decisions. "The
Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures, like "Let's
just date
one more month!"
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping
that you
will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone
harassment. Some
call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they
can think
of - telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love
you.
Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim
agrees to
go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social
pressure.
Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from
all his or
her relatives (they secretly hope you'll keep them so they don't have
to),
seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local
billboard,
receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your
place of work
and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that
they
might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers!
Their
reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an
emotional
prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction
if you
threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later
frequently recall
the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are.
Remember,
if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, if you get him back you
build a
higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" - escape will be
three times
as difficult the next time.
9. No Outside Interests "The Loser" will encourage you to drop
your
hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an
individual
activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel
miserable during
the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from
having fun or
interests other than those which they totally control.
10. Paranoid Control "The Loser" will check up on you and keep
track
of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the
opposite
sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you
don't answer
their phone call, you are ask where you were, what were you doing, who
you were
talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car,
question why you
shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the
friend called
you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later
ask if
you've been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe
cases, they go
through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on
the phone
when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-
tech losers
may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their
residence, calls
that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to
tell you
what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in
public.
Eventually, they tell you that you can not talk to certain friends or
acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in
public. If no
date is present on Friday night - "The Loser" will inform you that
they will
call you that night - sometime. That effectively keeps you home,
awaiting the
call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you
weren't
home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they
want
socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance
or a local
bar.
11. Public Embarrassment In an effort to keep you under control
while
in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say
cruel or
embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When
in public,
you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to
verbally attack
you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too
long, you'll
soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to
their arm
when in public. You'll also find yourself walking with your head down,
fearful
of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction
in "The
Loser".
12. It's Never Enough "The Loser" convinces you that you are never
quite good enough. You don't say "I love you" enough, you don't stand
close
enough, you don't do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and
your
behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another
method of
destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this
technique, they
begin telling you how lucky you are to have them - somebody who
tolerates
someone so inadequate and worthless as you.
13. Entitlement "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement,
the
attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they
desire. If
cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the
other
driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other
drivers with
their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement
will be used
against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one
of their
rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they
see fit.
14. Your Friends and Family Dislike Him As the relationship
continues,
your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you.
They will
notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will
protest. "The
Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have
and then
use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are
against you -
not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an
angry
response from them - eventually placing you in the situation where you
stop
talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The
Loser"
will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to - even your
children.
In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to
visit
your home.
15. Bad Stories People often let you know about their personality
by
the stories they tell about themselves. It's the old story about
giving a person
enough rope and they'll hang themselves. The stories a person tells
informs us
of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what
they think
will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories on
himself. "The
Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to
others,
rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and
in every
case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how
wonderful they
were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts
because they
don't see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the
"I don't
take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with
their stories,
much like a culture is described by it's folklore and legends. Listen
to these
stories - they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what's
coming
your way.
16. The Waitress Test It's been said that when dating, the way an
individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite
sex is the
way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of
a
relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However,
during that
time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about
the
opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be
treated
badly. If they are cheap - you'll never receive anything once the
honeymoon is
over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment - that's how
they'll treat
you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent, they treat
almost
all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a
man who
treats you like a queen and other females like dirt - hit the road.
17. The Reputation As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are
consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may
have two
distinct reputations - a group of individuals who will give you
glowing reports
and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you
ask ten
people about a new restaurant - five say it's wonderful and five say
it's a hog
pit - you clearly understand that there's some risk involved in eating
there.
"The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt
kicker",
"womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories
where
other's have called them crazy or suggested that they receive
professional help.
Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception
of an
individual's behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad,
your risk
is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is
over in the
relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found
to have
almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral
individuals
will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly.
If you
find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it's because they
operate
the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
18. Walking on Eggshells As a relationship with "The Loser"
continues,
you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums,
lengthy
interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at
others but
witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a
variety of
put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking
on
eggshells" in their presence - fearful to bring up topics, fearful to
mention
that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or
criticize the
behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and
comfort of love,
you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they
might say
something that you'll have to explain later), and fearful that you'll
see
someone you'll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will
be more
comfortable and less threatening when totally alone - exactly what
"The Loser"
wants - no interference with their control or dominance.
19. Discounted Feelings/Opinions "The Loser" is so self-involved
and
self-worshiping that the feelings and opinions of others are
considered
worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question
what you are
feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your
feelings and
opinions don't make sense, they're silly, and that you are emotionally
disturbed
to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your
opinion or
your feelings - but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare
question
their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and
often
reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
20. They Make You "Crazy" "The Loser" operates in such a damaging
way
that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The
Loser" is
scheduled to arrive at 8:00 pm - you call Time & Temperature to
cover the
redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble,
and call
your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You
warn
family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the
community
where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for
fear of
the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well - being careful what you
wear and
say. Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female
losers.
Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can
no longer
take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-
defense,
we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy" -
it's
important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior"
in a
combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to
normal if you
detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is
done.