The Handian (issue #9) HAHAHAHAHA
The Handian
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THE
HANDIAN
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11/20/95 issue #9
A) The Staff
B) Headline Articles
C) Creativity/Artistry
D) Letters To Editor
E) Comments about our paper
F) Misc. (Top Singles,)
G) Classified/Personals
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...with close to 500 subscribers and growing!
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Section
*A*
Our Staff
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| Raf Handian |
| Dave Hooper |
| Mark Dallara |
| The Phantom Advisor |
| EC |
| Opus |
| Saboka |
| Pops Racer |
| Flower |
| Astrid |
| Katie S |
| Dr.Pitchar Theerathorn|
| Dr.Casanova Love |
| Calypso |
| angela c |
| Caryne |
| Jim Jones |
| Matt Stiegem |
| The Big Mighty Thing |
| Rerun |
| Moonstone |
| Celestial Creature |
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"You think we're weird, you gotta meet our parents!"
--Raf Handian, Prophet--
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Section
*B*
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"Administrator's INTERESTS"
By
Saboka
Once again our beloved administrators have pulled another fast one over
on the students that it claims to love so dearly (see: "Students First" caption
on the new U of M Phone Directory). Administrators are continually inching up
the registration date, and this year they moved up the fee payment deadline by
an entire month. Why? Nobody has even bothered to ask why, especially our
great watchdog guardian "The Helmsman." Here is what I believe: Our crafty
administrators have moved up the fee payment deadline so they can stash all
OUR money for a month and they get to make thousands upon thousands on the
interest of OUR money. This really sucks. Especially for those students who
are paying their own way through college and usually count on earning a big
part of it during winter and summer breaks. Now those students are penalized
and have to pay more money to register late (so our lovely administration makes
back the interest it lost on those late registrations).
Where will all the money go that they earned off the interest on OUR
money? Certainly not back into education. Probably into paying for something
aesthetic, like...oh...say...a plaza by the library. The construction of which
will even further inconvenience us students with construction noise, and those
ridiculous orange barriers that force students to come up with alternate routes
to classes and the library. I ask you: Do the administrators really put
"Students first," or do they have other 'interests'?$?$?$?$?
And where the hell is "The Helmsman" in all of this? Is our school
newspaper really letting students know about issues that affect them or is it
merely reflecting the interests of the Administration? That's why I really
appreciate Raf for creating "The Handian." We need to address real issues such
as the administration making money off of our money before we get a return on
OUR investment. Not pages and pages of "Go team!!"
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"Suicide Help Offered On Campus"
By
Michael C. Altekruse, PH.D.
I am a psychologist at The University of Memphis. I noticed the two
articles on suicide in issue #8. I also noticed some referrals made to various
e-mail sites. I wanted to let your readers know that we have free
psychological services for U of M students with 6 or more credit hours per
semester. Also, if you have questions about suicide or depression (or any
other mental health issues), please feel free to call me and/or make an
appointment. We are located in room 120 in Scates Hall and our phone number
is 678-2068. I can answer factual questions over e-mail, but I cannot give
advice or do therapy over e-mail.
My e-mail address is
MCALT...@CC.MEMPHIS.EDU.
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"Our Silly Silly Silly Radio Station"
By
Pops Racer
To say that WUMR is filling a gap in the community is ridiculous. If this
community wanted or needed a "contemporary urban" station there would have been
one a long time before the inception of WSMS/WUMR.
The station is ON our campus and should fill the needs of the people on the
campus. Why not have a more progressive format that changes up every few
hours?! As ass-backward as the University of Mississippi (Ole Miss) is, at
least you can give them credit for having a somewhat progressive radio format.
Even their CMJ Top 20 playlist is a lot better than anything WUMR has.
Ok, so the station is non-commercial. Why doesn't it play non-commercial
music then? How many independent releases are on the WUMR playlist? I would
rather sit through 100 Domino's Pizza commercials and lose Federal funding
than sit through another stale "contemporary urban" song. A non-commercial
station needs to help out non-commercial artists. Major labels like Columbia
and RCA have plenty of money to buy their way onto commercial stations and
don't need help from WUMR to get airplay.
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"Our Government Standoff"
By
EC
EC's Corner: So our government, both the democrats and republicans have
reached a point of no compromise regarding our national budget. Hardly anyone
in the international monetary community is taking note. Second, it is proving
that such thought of as essential service is indeed functioning without the
physical body of a government worker in the office; hence, embracing the
internet technology as it is meant to do. I ask how many of those 800,000
government workers at home or at leisure are indeed working through a modem.
The point is this, if of the 800,000 personnel that are home during this
governmental standstill, 400,000 or so do not need to be where ever they
normally are for the job to be done by electronic means. So no new SS sign up,
they can do so from a computer terminal. You can't get your passport or visa
paperwork approved; this to can be done by a computer literary society. That,
my friends, is why I welcome this budget conflict. Political if either
President or Legislative Branch stand their grounds, and nothing monetarily
damaging comes of this mess. Then, I welcome it. However, I am a Disabled
Veteran. Those SScheck, welfare Check, not considering the SSN check, the
welfare check can certainly not be processed. These are people who have given
time or service to their country as I and the 200,000 or so Veterans that
depended on these benefits. With this principle, I send a Rally Call to All
Veterans, of every American War, to demand that Veteran Benefit Checks take
priority over Welfare Checks in this budget standstill. Furthermore, we
demand a re-assessment of the nonessential workforce not working today to see
indeed if we really need to pay the cost of there being where ever it is our
tax dollar pays them to be. This is what I seek as a solution to the budget
crisis. Further, I state that this government that is unable to take care of
the citizens who elected them to Govern in the first place. For the next
election, I will vote for an independent ticket. I don't care who is running,
this budget conflict, makes an ass of both Governing Bodies and as a disabled
veteran, I deserve Better Governing Parties. Let's join the Liberialist
Socialist Party. Is time for real political change in America...
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"Let's Get Nude!"
By
EC
EC's Corner: And to add on Raf's article on being a Buff Exhibitionist...I'm
for it Raf!!! Yes..Let's start a Nudist Club...Would that shake up the
Southern Conservatives??... What a radical idea for breaking up the Depression..
I mean I've attended a few Nudist parties, and been in Primitive nude states
all my life... The human body is a beautiful thing, Unless You Don't Like
Your Body, and would be ashamed to live without clothes. I mean the First
Thing I do when in an isolated place of human comfort to me Is to Pull off the
Clothes. And I've had the pleasure to have lived with all sex's and a few
cultures where simply put-- "Nude is beautiful, clothes are cumbersome". And
if we could really exist in a world of nudists, People would be so caught up
on other human faults,....I really don't think so.....Nudists Aren't Such
Strange People...To exist in a world of no clothes Could Open Up Some Strange
social Norm's in a society...Wouldn't you think??...On that note I pass the
thought back to you, Raf!...
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"Perceptions In My Mind"
By
David Hooper
Yes, AOL does suck. They made it SO EASY for anybody to get on-line... A
lot of people who should be weeded out due to stupidity are not. It's great
for little kiddies who don't know anything about computers but even that is
not an excuse. You should never underestimate the power of children to learn
new technologies. The ease of AOL only makes it easier for pedophiles to get
on-line and molest these kids.
Regarding censorship, AOL is a joke. You can't say anything on AOL. Even
your private email is gone through to make sure that it does not violate their
terms of service (TOS). It's great as far as keeping their child pornography
problem down but where does it stop? When I can't send my friend an email that
says "hot, wet, and greasy pussy" there is something wrong.
The U of Memphis is not one to talk either. I suspect that The Handian as
well as several other users are constantly being watched by the administration
to make sure that we do not violate the U of Memphis TOS. I am currently in
trouble for housing my NON-PROFIT label and promoting a benefit CD to help a
rape crisis center raise money for sexual assaulted children. The University
says that this is commercial.
Please take a look at
http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udrhooper/
and see for yourself!
There is a huge difference between benefit/NON-PROFIT and commercial! All of
my projects are to help independent bands/artists and we don't sell ANYTHING!
Is that commercial? Take a look and you be the judge.
Raf Handian is constantly being PHYSICALLY monitored by the computer lab
staff and has been sent harassing email by people who work for computer
services. I am currently being reprimanded for sending out a bulletin to a few
hundred people who wrote me and REQUESTED it!
I can see private commercial services such as AOL protecting their ass by
having rules such as no "hot, wet, and greasy pussy" in posts on usenet but
this is a public university. We are here to learn how to deal with the world
and how to think for ourselves. How can you think for yourself and express
your opinions when somebody is always jumping your ass and censoring you for
saying something they don't like?
For more info on how the University of Memphis is a joke to the 1st
amendment point your web pages to:
http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udrhooper/censor/
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The Phantom Advisor Report
Undergraduate students, take note of some important stuff:
You should be seeing your advisor NOW so you can register this month.
Dates and times (and make-up dates and times) are listed on page 9 of the
Spring Schedule of Classes (or SSOC). NOTE: Students may drop/add on
the same day they register or on any of the make-up days.
BIG NOTE:
FEE PAYMENT DEADLINE IS DECEMBER 15. Students who have classes
deleted for non-payment of fees will not be allowed to re-register until Last
Call Registration (January 16-19.)
DECEMBER GRADUATING SENIORS. Have you returned all paperwork to your
graduation analyst and have you taken the Senior Test and any other
departmental test that may be required? (See page 19, Fall SOC)
SENIOR TEST. Last test date this semester is:
December 2 Saturday 9:00 a.m. Psych Auditorium
MAY 1996 GRADUATING SENIORS. You should already have an appointment
with your graduation analyst to file your intent-to-graduate. The deadline for
doing this is November 22, the day before Turkey Day. Hurry up, slowpokes.
Make that appointment.
More about REGISTRATION:
SENIORS who register (or who should have registered from Nov.7 through Nov.15)
may register or Drop/Add on Fridays 11/17 or 12/1.
JUNIORS who register (or should have registered) may Drop/Add or register on
Wednesday 11/22 or Fridays 11/17 or 12/1.
Schedule adjustments for ALL students who registered during November
registration may be processed in ADMIN 119 (Records) on Monday through
Thursday 7:30 a.m.-7:00 p.m. and Fridays at 7:30 a.m.-4:30 p.m.
Also SATURDAY!! 8:30 am. - noon.
If you don't change your schedule by December 21st, you will have to wait
until January 9-10, according to the timetable on page 10 in the Schedule of
Classes.
NATURAL SCIENCE. (Undergraduate gen.ed. requirement) Just a note about labs.
If you take a science that has a lab, YOU MUST ALSO TAKE THE LAB!!.. True, you
need not take it in the same semester, but if you choose not to, be aware that
it might not be offered when you need it. I have a graduating senior in that
predicament now. Don't let this catch you.
Remember, if you have any questions
mail URHANDIAN and I will answer.
Study hard and good luck on finals!
-The Phantom Advisor-
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Section
*C*
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"THE PAWN"
By
Bryan Jones
"Help!" she yelled as it was rammed down her throat. Actually it
came out as a high-pitched "Ulf!" because neither the chess piece nor
his fingers would allow much air to pass from her lungs.
By now he was insane. To hell with insane, he was stark raving mad.
She could see it in his bloodshot eyes, the way they seemed to glow
neon red. She was going to die. He couldn't be stopped. When he
walked in with that shirt on, she knew something was wrong. Neatly
painted in bright jet black was a beautifully sketched chessboard
knight. The shirt and the pawn in his hand, which he kept flipping in
sweaty palms, was not right. She knew life was a game, she told him
that. Games were supposed to be played for fun like people. Shed be
damned if she was going to lose to him after playing him so well.
She clawed at him, which was futile. He did little but laugh
harder. She kicked at him and connected a cheap kneeshot to his chest.
He staggered and she kicked again. This time his balance was gone.
He fell backwards. Behind him was a glass coffee table. He landed and
hit it, hard. It shattered and slivers of glass were sent through his
body. As he lay there in his own blood, dying, she once more caught a
glimpse of his sanity. He never wanted to kill her. With it being
over, with no more pain to come, he smiled and he died. All she had
left now were the memories and one small blooded chesspiece.
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"EQUATION IN THE SKY"
By
astrid
the sun draws near, over horizons clear,
and beckons to me with fear.
"the moon hunts me on high, when dreams draw nigh,"
said she, with silent tear.
moon hunting sunlight with his darkening night
swallows the sun's last ray,
but the sun still fights against the hollow nights
to open the vibrant day.
"where hides the moon, in the days of June,
when sun owns the sky," asked i.
"i know not why time runs out, nor where the moon decides to pout,"
but know i, he lives on high, where moondust and stars too lie."
so sun and moon argue on, for control of the dawn,
giving the sky no rest,
but both moon and sun, when the day is done,
laugh their fear off in jest.
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"like my poetry, i too..."
By
astrid
rough, like a coin,
run over in the street and turning that sick, sea-green
like all old coins do,
bent
and hard
to touch.
running fingers along the edges, feel the bumpy surface,
not new and smooth with an easy slick glide, nor shining like a reflection of
sunlight off silky, smooth hair...
the edges chase each other and collide,
and feeling it, though rough to touch, sense the beauty beneath the green,
crusty surface.
push aside the dime and quarter,
picking up the greening penny,
old and worn, but farther from DEATH than the menacing, silvery, brand
new coins,
all smiles and presidents and 1995.
the old, green coin is faded
old, no more face of president,
old, no more trust in God
E Pluribus Unum scratched out long ago,
but so beautiful in its aging indifference.
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Note: We will use your real name when printing any letter you send, unless you
otherwise note.
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Section
*D*
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"Water Monopoly In Memphis"
By
Breezer, Graduate Accounting
I saw something yesterday that I just had to laugh at. I was coming from
the Dunn foreign language building, and it was raining really hard, so I went
into the Psychology Auditorium. What I saw was quite humorous. No longer
does the City of Memphis have a monopoly on water in that building. They
have competition from a Naya water machine. Get this, the machine was
located right next to the water fountain. I guess that this could be
considered some type of idiot counter. I've done further research on this
thing. I foolishly bought a bottle of Naya. It tasted like water. Then I
priced six packs of Naya. About $4.50 at Kroger, and it is right next to the
beer case. This brings me to a question: What is so damn special about
Naya Spring water? I feel like Vincent Vega when he asked,
"$5.00 for a milkshake, you don't put bourbon or nothing in it?"
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"Whining About Suicide"
By
Breezer, Graduate Accounting
To the guy on Suicide. My suggestion is to quit whining.
Everyone has problems. Read some poetry by Longfellow. If that doesn't work,
drive down to one of the ghettos conveniently located in town. If you really
don't value your life, this should be easy enough to do. See how other people
live?! It is very sobering. It will show you how lucky you are. If that
doesn't work, go back to the religion thing, but do it for yourself, not to be
in the church clique. In fact don't go to church or synagogue or temple.
Practice in private.
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U of M STUDENT HOME PAGE LISTINGS:
Check out our WEB PAGE: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~urhandian
Mark Dallara: http://www.mecca.org/BME/STUDENTS/mdallara.html
David Hooper: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udrhooper
Clark Sandlin: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ulcsandlin
Alec Horgan: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~uawhorgan
Daniel Dunn: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udedunn
Philip Hood: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~upchood
Joseph Keene: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ujlkeene
Brian Scurlock: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ubascurlock
Rob Ogle: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ureogle
Krissy Federline: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~uklfederline
Scott Fox: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udsfox
Philip Todd: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~uptodd
Flaviu Leordeanu: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ufleordeanu
Johnny Deng: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~fdeng
Travis Hill: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~utrhill
Nathan Hiller: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~unjhiller
Robert Martin: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~uramartin
Leif Ericson: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~ulhericson
Moses Ling: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~umkling
Adrian Freeman: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~uanfreeman
Matthew Mason: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~mdmason
Trey Shewmake: http://www.people.memphis.edu/~utshewmake
Announcement: THE BLUE PAGES are here!
You can submit your own web page via form by
accessing:
http://www.people.memphis.edu/~udedunn/list.htmlx
It is as easy as A-B-C, or 1-2-3 for all you mathematicians.
Let the entire world know about your page.
Put it in the BLUE PAGES.
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Section
*E*
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The following are a selected few of the many letters that were sent
to THE HANDIAN concerning our paper. THE HANDIAN thanks you all.
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1) Your www page is aaaawwwweeesssoooommmmmeeeeeeee!!!!!!!
-Rob Bruno
2) Handian,
I didn't know you were this big at U Of M. I apologize for all the Armenian
jokes. Thanks for the letters and putting me on your mailing list for the
Handian files. And all this time O thought you were just being silly...
But you're actually a poet and a writer.
Anyway, keep up the good work,
-J. Yelverton
3) You guys suck! Sign me up!
4) I like the Important Dates that the Phantom Advisor wrote.
5) I liked the smiley info in the last issue!
I can use all the info on computers I can get!
I still enjoy the paper.....keep up the good work.
-Rebecca
6) You paper still kicks some serious old, stale, Swiss muffins!
-Adrian Freeman
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Dear Readers:
The staff of THE HANDIAN is desperately trying to make our works to your
enjoyment. In order to do so, you must help us. What do you want us to report
about? Do we need to add a anything, or take something out? Do you want to
hear about music concerts and movies? WHAT????? Tell us by E-Mailing
URHANDIAN. Subject PAPER or IDEAS.
Thanks,
THE STAFF
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Section
*F*
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RAF'S TOP 5
week ending
11/18/95
TW LW TITLE ARTIST #1 weeks
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1) 1 "Fantasy" Mariah Carey *8*
2) 2 "Runaway" Janet Jackson
3) 4 "Hand In Pocket" Alanis Moriesette
4) - "As I Lay Me Down" Sophie B. Hawkins
5) 5 "Gansta's Paradise" Coolio *1*
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Section
*G*
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CAR FOR SALE: '83 4-door white Malibu in good condition. selling for $1,200.
V-6 engine.
EMAIL URHANDIAN for details or questions.
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Anyone with information on teachers: Gilmore, Davis, or Tu...please let me
know what you know of them--they are teaching Business Policy in Spring 1996!
Respond to UCACASE. Thanks!
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I am an avid advanced dungeons & dragons player, but cannot find a decent game
master in the memphis area. if you are a gm or a player who knows an open
slot in a good game, contact me at URWTR...@cc.memphis.edu or call 754-4173.
ask for robert.
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I will tutor Latin, concepts of number, concepts of algebra, college algebra,
and a few other general education requirements for $10 an hour. I have a
3.82 Q.P.A. and have worked for the Educational Support Program for 3 1/2
years. My name is Stacy and my telephone number is 678-6638.
Or Email USKJONES.
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SBM looking for SF race doesn't matter to spend time with. Must like
basketball, football, and sex. Not together. If you're interested mail me at
uanfr...@cc.memphis.edu
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Looking for people on campus interested in trading live tapes of Dead, Phish,
Widespread, Blues Traveler, Santana, Allman Bro. etc. E-mail ukmiller if
interested.
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Selling thousands of baseball cards. Mostly from the 1980's and early 90's
in mint condition. Choose from the best of the 80's. Anything from Rookie
cards of future hall of famers such as Boggs, RIPKIN, F.Thomas, Griffey,
and much much more. Email me to get details. URHANDIAN
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* All the opinions expressed in THE *
* HANDIAN are solely the writer's and *
* not of the paper, me, or any of the *
* other writers. *
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