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Rightists Are The Root Cause of All Violent Crime
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Ubiquitous
Jan 22, 2022, 12:17:19 PM1/22/22
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4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
In order to do this, I found some products created by gun nuts for gun
nuts -- things they never would have expected to fall into the hands of
someone with critical thinking or research skills. I should try to
establish a little bit of rhetorical authority here by stating that I grew
up shooting guns, still shoot them, and really don't care if you have one.
To be more clear, I was raised by "Russians and aliens are coming" gun
nuts, not "bring our machine guns into Applebee's" gun nuts. And if you're
desperate to poke holes in my expertise so you can dismiss everything I
say, I am certain AR-15 stands for "Action Rifle 15stopher."
4
"Only A Good Guy With A Gun Stops A Bad Guy With A Gun!"
Using a gun to kill an attacker is the American dream, like inventing the
next F.emale B.ody I.nspector hat or breaking your leg near an improperly
displayed "wet floor" sign. But how likely is it? Even in this great
country where there are as many firearms as people, a Harvard University
analysis found that guns are only used for defense in 0.9 percent of
contact crimes. And here's the statistic everyone is going to hate:
Getting a gun drawn on your attacker only reduces your chances of being
injured by 2.4 percent. If you wore a T-shirt that said "Don't shoot me,
Randy Bruckner (Aquarius)! I'm you from an alternate timeline!" every day,
it would have the exact same odds of protecting you. And I'm not even done
crunching all the numbers.
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Assuming you live an average American lifespan and have average luck, you
have a 0.3 percent chance of being the victim of violent crime before you
die. That means carrying a gun has a 0.0000648 percent of protecting you
from something! Over the course of your life! Those odds are, sadly, lower
than the chances of you or someone in your family making a mistake with
the gun or having a suicidal urge, but those are factors you can sort of
control, so let's ignore them. The point is, carrying a gun to protect
yourself is like carrying around a giant strawberry in case someone ever
asks, "What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit?" You look like a total asshole
for the teeny, tiniest chance of one day doing something horrific.
But enough about reality. What the shit does reality know about protecting
yourself from imaginary gunmen? Pick up your gun and let's take a look at
a self-defense instructional DVD from the ARMED RESPONSE Video Training
Series, called Tactics And Techniques For Defensive Shooting.
ARMED ARMED RESPONSE HESPONSE Senier Traimino Video Kemk Dana Mre ARED
RESPONSE Hed Tochole anet Soee Taetie Defet tore
"Mister? I'm not being kidnapped. It's simply that my adopted parents are
ethnic. No no, it's alright. This happens all the time."
Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
An actual quote from Ralph about how it's so easy to wear a gun all day
that you'll forget all about it.
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The first few minutes of the video are spent convincing the viewer to
always carry their firearm. Otherwise, what's the point of any of this?
Not carrying a gun disgusts Ralph, and he starts contemptuously listing
the feeble excuses gun owners make. He scolds, "A lot of people say, 'I
only need a gun at night,'" but counters that this is "obviously not
true." The next excuse is how a lot of people don't need their gun since
they're "only going to the store." That's not true either because "random
street crime is called random street crime for a reason." And with that,
he has debunked all the excuses.
Oh, you thought there'd be more? No, Ralph has been foiling imaginary
crimes for so long that he can't even picture a situation in which a
loaded gun might be inconvenient. Hey, Ralph: airport, water park, haunted
house, CAT scan machine, cha-cha lessons, holding a pizza, any location
from the perspective of the other people worried about the spooky fuck
with the gun.
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, LM, I DON'T NEED A GUN IN THE BATH. WRONG... SHARKS.
ENEMY FROGMEN... SOMEONE SEES YOUR GRAY CONTROL SHAMPOO...
Just agree to always have your gun with you before Ralph's brain explodes.
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So it seems like gun people still make incoherent arguments to justify
their guns even when they're alone in a room with an American flag. And
speaking of incoherent, Ralph thinks of guns like seat belts. In a normal
room, one with critical thinkers, this next part of the argument would be
drowned out by objections and laughter, but Ralph talks about the old
days, when they first put seat belts in cars and no one bothered with
them. It took a public service campaign to get people to use them, and
guns need something similar.
Maybe Ralph skipped a cue card, because from here he moved on to holster
comfort, but I found his line of thinking fascinating. How could a person
not see a single difference between putting on a seat belt and taking a
lethal firearm to a salad bar? It requires such nimble stupidity bounding
through your brain and erasing things before logic can get to them. I
mean, if I was a scientist trying to teach earthworms the difference
between two things, I would start with seat belts and guns. Those are the
two most different goddamn things that have ever been. So, Ralph, if you
want to take a gun to the dentist, enjoy, but don't pretend you did it
because you're a wise genius.
The DVD is sold as a survival video, but it's almost entirely about gun
fighting techniques. There is very little time devoted to deescalating a
situation before a deadly shootout. Ralph must have figured the kind of
guy who'd watch two hours of contact battle drills for grocery stores
isn't going to finesse his way out of anything. Which brings me to the
main issue I have with this video: It is Dungeons & Dragons for
psychopaths. The one thing guns have going for them is that they're cool,
and this video makes them seem lamer than a Wendy's Instagram post. Ralph
looks like Mr. Spock if Star Trek was made in Kosovo as the dying act of
starving potato farmers. He lumbers around pretending to foil ambushes in
the soup aisle, seemingly unaware that we live in a world where that's an
embarrassing thing to do. He makes carrying a gun look less cool than
asking a new mother if you can milk her.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Fuckin' gunnin' around! With Ralph fuckin' Mroz!"
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If you have a vivid imagination, but only about killing Starbucks bathroom
intruders, Ralph's system is perfect. But you probably shouldn't go to the
strip mall like you're clearing houses in Fallujah. Statistically
speaking, playing Army Man all day is preparing you to shoot your wife
during an argument, not foil a kidnapping. If all you have is a gun, every
problem looks like a paper Osama bin Laden. If you really need to feel
tough, do what I do and challenge outer space to kill you every night.
FACE PEDATOR ME, Apri Z018 Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Saturday 3 SPACE4 PREDATOR2 PREDATOR MADE 6 7 PeEDATAR PREDATOR PUT SCARED
You may already know this if you or someone you know is crazy, but for
years, beneath our perception, a battle has raged between two rival
factions: maniac gun people and maniac knife people. Set aside 300 hours
someday and put some of those words into a YouTube search.
Ralph is a gun maniac, so he knows that in order to defeat a knife maniac,
you have to start the fight at a distance. How far away? I'm glad you
asked, because there is a test you can take to find out. It's called the
Tueller Drill, and it would be sort of adorable if it wasn't a training
exercise for killing a confused jogger. This is going to sound stupid when
I explain it, but in a Tueller Drill, your friend stands next to you while
your gun is holstered. Both of you get ready, as if you're about to do
something very important like adults. Your friend gives you the signal (by
running away as fast as he can), and you draw your gun and fire! Now,
wherever your friend is when your gun goes off is how far away you need to
be when someone's holding a knife. It's what us gun badasses call the thin
line of knife murder, and we walk it every time a potential threat is
making stir fry or opening a letter. Pansies would never understand.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Fuckin' measurin' knife murder radiuses! With Ralph! Fuckin'! MROZ!"
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Ralph spends a lot of time explaining the results of his drill. He
mentions his friend's bad knees and adjusts the numbers for a knife maniac
whose legs are not riddled with arthritis. Then he adjusts the numbers for
someone who might be very slow with a gun. So who knows, really? It's sold
as the ultimate scientific test to find your threshold of knife safety,
but it turns out it's a wild guess based on a middle-aged man's six-yard
dash. It doesn't even account for the times you're reading a book, nursing
a baby bird, or learning how to pull taffy when knife sprinters strike.
This DVD costs $34.95, and ten minutes of it is nonsensical babbling about
how far you have to stand from the easiest Nintendo enemy to kill him if
he ever shows up in real life.
I get the appeal of this type of thinking. When you've verified that you
could gun down a man speeding from the shadows with a knife as long as
he's 21 feet away, it feels like you're pretty good at defending yourself.
But how is your jiu-jitsu? I only ask because if you don't know any,
you're at risk of any casual UFC enthusiast killing you with a headlock.
And are you more than 30 pounds overweight? OK, you're still beautiful in
your way, but your sloppiness does mean a former below-average high school
athlete can grab your phone, wallet, or baby and escape at a light jog.
Speaking of fleeing, how fast can you move three miles with your full go
bag, which you of course have ready? Also, where are you going? Did you
and your family establish an emergency rendezvous point or an FRS
frequency? Does everyone know the passphrase to use when in distress?
Bitch, did you even booby trap your staircase with Micro Machines? You
fat, dead idiot. You never cared about protecting yourself. Your gun was a
fucking toy that somehow got tied up in your political identity.
Related: The 15 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (4/4/17)
3
"You Need A Gun To Protect Your Family!"
It's easy to mock irrational gun owners. They say and do silly things
their entire lives, then quietly pass away from diabetes dozens of
hospital walls and countries away from any action-packed gunfights. But
there is one thing that can help you understand them: children. When you
become a parent, every chemical in your body is demanding that you protect
this fragile dumbass constantly putting mysteries in its mouth and darting
for the nearest certain doom. It not only makes you more violently
paranoid, it also adds a self-righteous certainty to that violent
paranoia.
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I'll give an example. I live in beautiful San Francisco, where about 38
percent of the city's outdoor surfaces are covered in schizophrenia. It's
not unusual for a homeless man to leap from a pile of trash and shriek
about how Burmese Cody can hear your teeth. You'll find this upsetting at
first, but you quickly develop an internal voice to remind you, "Remain
calm. Punching this man will get AIDS on your hands. Maybe Google how you
can help with social programs and mental health assistance later." That
voice is very different when you're a parent. When you're with your kid,
that same hobo voice hisses, "Kill the footpad! Protect the chiiiiild!"
So I'm not saying I "get it" get it when you aim a gun at the dick of your
daughter's prom date or refuse to vaccinate your child, but I understand
it's more complicated than you being dumber than the rest of us. To help
understand more, let's look at some literature written for gun nuts who
are thinking about children. My Parents Open Carry is 24 pages of fiction
set in a world wherein heavily armed reactionaries are normal and every
conversation is two people reminding each other how wonderful guns can be.
It's a dystopian nightmare far worse than our world, where guns are merely
used to kill.
My Parents Open Carry Written by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew
Illustratedby ornal Bergman An Open Carry Adventure Safe -Responsible -
Fun
"And we are sacks of fluid and bacteria. Terran biped monsters like you."
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The book was written by Brian G. Jeffs and Nathan R. Nephew, a geologist
and a software developer who founded Michigan Open Carry, a nonprofit
organization promoting the legalization of an already quite legal thing. I
wouldn't say their life's work is "pointless," because I think their
ridiculous book has done more harm than good for their cause. So they are
in fact worse than pointless, both as people and creators. This isn't a
team of like-minded thinkers feeding off each other to create motivated
art. These two write dialog like they're NRA help desk robots who
accidentally got on the phone with each other.
Brenna's mom and dad both have concealed carry licenses So by state law
they can carry a handgun loaded in a vehicle. As the family was about to
climb
"Hello! Oh, what a nice gun! It's very much like a seat belt! Goodbye!" --
A Normal Thing To Say
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The cover sells the book as "An Open Carry Adventure: Safe - Responsible -
Fun." Each of those words is a lie. It's about Brenna Strong and her
family running errands in their small town, fully armed, and experiencing
the joy their weapons bring others. That's all. These moon-faced creatures
strut around town with lethal firearms while reciting dubious gun facts to
the extremely receptive, and nothing else happens. That's not an
adventure. That's the other side to the story "I almost got shot today by
this weird family of terrorists who came into the bakery."
As far as calling the book "safe," I'd argue that guns blow holes in human
flesh, and those are quite dangerous. And "responsible" is definitely not
the word for a book of overwhelmingly debunked gun myths written for
children. But I guess you could call it "fun," since it's sort of like
listening to a supervillain explain his unique plan to eliminate Earth's
dumbest citizens. Seriously, if you tied up Captain America and read him
this book, he'd say, "You'll never win, Red Skull! Americans would never
terrify their own children and then give them guns!"
This book is strongly in favor of terrorizing your kids and arming them.
As Brenna's dad always says, "Crime and evil can happen anywhere at any
time. History shows that." He also likes to sneak up on her to "increase
Brenna's awareness." The sequel to this book is definitely going to be I
Shot My Own Father: An Open Carry Tale Of Loss And Forgiveness.
Brenna's mom continued, Our holsters are designed to allow only the person
who is carrying the handgun to draw it. This allows you time to react to a
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My Parents Open Carry is illustrated by a woman named Lorna Bergman, who
draws like a sketch artist who forgot how to draw non-sex criminals. She
draws like her only influences were her fifth-grade art teacher and his
suicide. From her line work, I'd guess her normal medium is building traps
out of doll parts. And she's perfect for this fucked up nightmare of a
book.
are ready to shoot. aunloaded until ready For over her the of her an hour
Brenna's dad taught workings new pistol, and they practiced shooting
targets
Never have an alien writer and artist come together to so purposefully
betray their human disguises.
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Brenna and her family go to different locations, getting compliments on
their guns or annihilating gun skeptics. You would think the story would
eventually involve foiling a terrorist plot or gunning down an escaped
gorilla, but nothing ever happens. I think these authors, in their wildest
fantasies, only want to finally win an argument about guns.
The closest the book comes to a plot is when Brenna's dad tells a story
about how he brought a gun into Woodruff's Waffle World and no one robbed
it. This is a pretty common argument from gun activists, that criminals
stop doing crime because of guns. That'd be tough to prove, but ... maybe
it's true? I mean, it's not, as dozens of studies have shown, but this
book takes place in a magical world free from research, where every pro-
gun argument comes true. Look at this crazy shit:
In fact, I had this exact thing happen to me. One morning last summer, my
friend and I were sitting in Woodruff's Waffle World on Main Street eating
"They decided not to rob Woodruff's because they saw a customer armed with
a gun on his hip. I believe the customer they saw was me."
So the police arrest two men who confessed they were going to rob the
place before they saw Brenna's dad's gun. Fucking what? Are you telling me
this is how stupid you need the world to be for your ideas to make sense?
Robbers confess to crimes they don't do hours after seeing guns? Your dad
is lying to you, Brenna. Your dad is a liar because he thinks guns are
more important than truth. These dumbshit authors could have written an
actual waffle house crime getting foiled by heroic armed citizens like
they get foiled by heroic unarmed ones in our world. Instead they wrote a
pile of horseshit taking place in a world made out of horseshit. So now
the book's hero, Brenna, has to decide whether her gun activist father is
very dumb, very dishonest, or both. Which is how you would describe most
people trying to sell you on guns. You fucking apes know you can just buy
a gun, carry it around, and shoot it, right? There's no reason to spread a
bunch of ridiculous lies and willful ignorance to trick us into letting
you.
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2
"Men Are Monsters, So Women Need Guns!"
So maybe guns do more harm than good when it comes to protecting yourself
or your family, but what if you're a woman? Well, you may have heard the
statistic that when a woman has a gun in the home, it triples her chances
of being murdered. Holy shit, right? Relax. When a woman has a hot dog in
her home, it also triples her chances of getting colon cancer. She can
triple her chances of being murdered by telling the internet she never saw
the appeal of Legend Of Zelda. So I guess don't fully relax, but your odds
of being murdered are very slim, and made only slightly worse by every
single possible choice.
About 38 percent of gun owners are women, but they don't seem to be
interested in shooting those guns for murder or self-defense. In 2014,
only 15 ladies gunned down a man in self-defense. That obviously doesn't
include the women who defended themselves at sea and told no one but the
sharks what they had done, but 15 seems low, doesn't it? That's the number
of women out of 16 who probably had every right to kill a man in 2014.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HAS GONE TOO FAR! IF YOU DON'T LIKE CAT CALLING,
TURN AROUND AND TELL HIM TO SHUT UP! A WOMAN GOT KILLED FOR DOING THAT IN
DETRO
This was actual advice given to an actual woman by an actual man.
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Women obviously don't want to solve their problems with guns, so why are
we pushing them so hard to do so? And what would that even look like? How
is a woman supposed to tell when you're a regular creep, a violently
insecure creep, or a harmless pervert only after a picture of her feet? If
a woman pulled a gun at every single early sign of trouble, she'd be
killing everybody, including the thoughtful gentlemen trying to pursue
real relationships by framing their titty compliments in a polite,
feminist way.
While on the subject of awful problematic men, I tweeted this back in
February:
Seanbaby @Seanbabydotcom Feb 21 I've never owned a gun, so I've had to
navigate life with nothing but a disarming charm and a front kick that can
shat
A psychiatrist might say that I lack the courage to be vulnerable, or a
doctor might say that I have some kind of testosterone problem brought on
by a dangerously oversized penis, but I like to think I was using my toxic
masculinity for a good cause. If we can make owning a gun seem like
something only a delicate lady would do, maybe we save the world? I don't
fucking know; I just like movies about Rambo and think doughy pussies with
guns pretending they're Rambo devalues Rambo. But I did learn from several
unlovable gun activists who took that tweet personally that this myth of
Lady Quickdraw, Catcall Executioner is not perpetuated by women. It's the
knee-jerk defense when you call someone a pussy for needing a gun. You
see, gun rights aren't for the tough guys like them; they're for the
other, helpless gender with no access to guile or karate.
So let's look at how well these gun activists' respect for women holds up
when there are no freedom-hating leftists around calling them names. As
you might imagine, most female-centric firearm videos are about sexy
bikini girls firing machine guns, because even Ted Nugent's fan needs to
masturbate. But I wanted one that exploited women's paranoia, not their
sexy, sexy bodies. I chose A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO FIREARMS, a 1987 VHS tape
starring "actress and mother" Lee Purcell, and "star of television's Simon
And Simon" Gerald McRaney. Spoiler: Gun videos for ladies aren't as good
as gun videos about ladies, but neither of them think much of women.
A WONAN'S GUIDE Ro TO FIREARMS A Lyon House Production WichLFF PURCELL
Hosted by GERALD McRANEY Soecid Appearances by GEOFFREY LEWIIS MARISA
WAVME Dis
Left: "Rock N' Roll #3: Sexy Girls & Sexy Guns! Featuring Over 20 Machine
Guns From Around the World!" Right: a film less respectful to female
marksmen.
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You might be wondering how a firearms guide for women is different than
one for men. Well, ladies like to be romanced a little bit, so A WOMAN'S
GUIDE TO FIREARMS opens with a lengthy intro set to smooth jazz. If it
wasn't at the start of a gun VHS, I'd say the song was written for gentle
penetration and nothing else. It sounds like a saxophone slowly pulling
its panties off. When I tried to Shazam it, the app said, "Song unknown,
but mmmm ... why, let's think of a name together while we fuck."
Shazam and I decided on "Wet Moonlight," and the song led into a sketch
starring journeyman actress Lee Purcell at home with her child. She hears
a strange noise outside while her husband is out of town! She has a gun,
but doesn't know how to use it! She is shouting all this into the phone
like a woman who knows she can't get fired from this acting gig. It's
weird how she claims she doesn't know how to use a gun, because she's
letting it escalate a single unidentified noise into a tremendously
dangerous crisis, which is almost exactly what most guns are used for.
M
"Can I describe the noise? Well, I suppose it was serial-killery, but with
some ghost? Oh please, you've got to hurry!"
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Since Lee doesn't know how to open fire at what is probably a raccoon, she
calls for help. Not to the police, but to rugged character actor Geoffrey
Lewis. He must have been on the way as soon as he heard "husband out of
town," because he is there immediately, finding no danger whatsoever. And
that's it! The tale of the harmless uninteresting noise, ripped from
today's headlines, is over! Which means two insane things have already
happened: 1) Even in a fictional world designed to teach us the value of
guns, guns are only useful in helping paranoid people wildly overreact,
and 2) Lee called one of the stars of Jean-Claude Van Damme's Double
Impact for help, and it wasn't either Jean-Claude Van Damme? Absurd.
DOB1 IMPACT
"Cut! Geoff, we have a call here from a 'Lee' who says you'd remember her
from an episode of Murder, She Wrote she did with you a few years back.
Sorry, no, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, she is saying. Anyway, she heard a
weird noise and needs you to drive up to her place in Malibu and search
her bushes? So I guess that's going to be a wrap for today, Jean-Claude
Van Damme and- WHAT!? Another Jean-Claude Van Damme!?!"
OK, so the sound turns out to be nothing, but Lee would sure feel better
if she knew how to shoot at the next one. Let's be clear: She and the
producers of this video think Plan A for strange noises in residential
neighborhoods should be throwing bullets at them. Luckily, Geoff is
working on a movie and getting trained to use guns by one of the best:
Mike Dalton. Geoff suggests that maybe Dalton's partner, an unnamed
possible gun expert, can help her. So like that, Lee has the number of a
co-worker's gun trainer's business partner. It's networking skills like
this that explain how she's a working actress without the ability to
express emotion or deliver a line.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"'Gun.' I've heard my husband say that word, but never knew what it meant.
Is it a type of quilt or bread?"
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The rest of the video is Lee at the shooting range getting guns taught to
her as if she had never heard of them before but may soon need to assemble
one. Mixed in with basic firearm safety is a strange amount of information
on the inner workings of guns and bullets. The script calls for Lee to be
fascinated by every fact, but believably gasping with delight when she
sees a bullet get chambered is beyond her capabilities.
It's crushingly boring, which is unexpected. Gun videos for men feature
corner-pieing drills and quick draw techniques to eliminate multiple
ninjas. Ralph Mroz showed me how to talk an outlet mall shopper into
carrying a loaded firearm and then kill him by diving under an SUV and
shooting his feet. This lady video is almost un-American in how it treats
guns like exhausting responsibilities no one should ever touch without
expert training. Lee learns about holsters, eye and ear protection,
trigger guards, and firing pins from two creeps who talk like they only
teach firearm classes because their hypnotism careers never took off. They
seem to truly want to keep the viewer alive. Which is weird, because if
that was their goal, it would have been more effective to write UNTAMED &
FORBIDDEN: The Farm Burglar's Guide To Horse Sex and not make a video
about guns.
ntomea FO obriaden E The Farm Guide Burglar's to 90% Horse sex' OFF
OPRAH'S 2016SELECTION BOOK CLUB
"I think we found the cause of death," said Ken "Barnyard Coroner" Blades
as he glanced at the three-foot member of my former lover. "Jesus, look at
that thing," he added. I didn't know how I was a ghost, but I knew I had
to prove Blades wrong and clear my beloved stallion's name. -- Untamed &
Forbidden Book III: Gallop, Gallop… Murder! Author Unknown, 2016
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After each lengthy seminar, the video cuts back to narrator Gerald
McRaney, the left Simon from TV's Simon And Simon. He's sitting in what
might be his study -- a troubling room decorated entirely with framed
pictures of firearms. Maybe they're the guns that killed his family? Maybe
the set designer was making a sarcastic joke no one caught? Either way,
these scenes help break down all the things Lee learned, in case you learn
slower than the world's dumbest woman as played by the world's least
interested actress. This video really wants you to know what you're doing
before you blow the fuck out of that noisy shadow outside your home.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Now that Lee knows the history of ammunition storage, she's ready to move
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
We're all very proud of you, Lee.
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This video was produced by a company that sells holsters, and while it
does seem to want its viewers to avoid shooting themselves, its main goal
was selling guns and gun accessories to women. Which explains why it felt
so strange as I watched it. When you sell firearms to men, you tell us
everything's trying to kill us, and we already know how easy it will be to
kill it first. Women don't generally walk around with that kind of
unearned confidence. When you sell firearms to women, you don't need to
convince them the world wants to them dead -- you need to convince them
their gun doesn't. So that explains why men get insecure doofuses playing
John Wick and the ladies get boring, responsible, nuanced training videos
with an all-star cast. Men win again, ladies.
Related: The 14 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (2/2)
1
"We May Someday Need An Armed Uprising Against Our Tyrannical Government!"
There are certain hypothetical scenarios in which a gun is helpful or even
necessary. Go ahead and imagine some. OK, now use that amazing brain to
imagine some situations where you don't want everyone in a home, highway,
or bar carrying a gun. It doesn't really matter where your imagination
takes you, because when you combine all people and situations together,
guns add up to a serious net loss in safety. And it doesn't really matter
if you care, because we're allowed to have guns anyway. So I hope you
enjoy pictures of bikini girls shooting machine guns, because none of
these words matter!
mariou Sey Cins.. Sery Guus! Angela- -11-14 Hetlly-- A-47 lasio-zi Dotlie-
Fourteen af the seriest sourthern Califoria beaties scantily clad in
string
This VHS tape is by far the least likable thing I own.
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The Second Amendment guarantees arms for a well-regulated militia, but who
is that? Well, according to the Injury Control Research Center at Harvard
University, half of our guns are in the hands of 3 percent of the
population. And according to Scientific American, most of those people are
racist cowards, which I mean in the most clinical way possible. Studies
show gun hoarders are predominantly white men worried they can't protect
their families who suffer from economic insecurity and racial fears. It
might be what you already suspected, and maybe you're smug enough for
those findings to be satisfying, but we should be a little worried that
there's a massive industry lobbying to make twitchy intolerant people as
lethal as possible.
You run into a lot of constitutional scholars on Facebook or Fox News
these days who specialize entirely in aggressively insane interpretations
of the Second Amendment. It's like when someone can easily recall any
given state's age of consent. They're not so much a civics expert as they
are interested in doing awful (but technically legal) things. Let me put
it another way: If you're on the internet defending guns while you live in
the country where the most mentally ill person can buy any gun they want,
the statesmanlike convicted fraudster you voted for would describe you by
holding up a gimpy hand and going "DUHHR UHHHHRR."
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"You gotta see this guy. Uaaahhh!" -- Donald J. Trump, 45th president of
the United States
There are no shortage of uneducated, mentally ill men self-publishing
books on the Second Amendment. Amazon has thousands of them (though many
are miscategorized ladies underpants), and that number is increasing
faster than any single madman can read.
T Release on Amszon FEnSALD 1] S Slaves hate the 2nd Amendment RIGHO BEAR
ARLS THE MENDM HAS ARMS! EVERYONE BEAR RIGHT TO By JD Lovil Now GOD Tust
99s
That wasn't me being silly. You really do get a lot of gun rights panties
when you search for "2nd Amendment" under "books."
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The most insecure genre of nonfiction is Second Amendment books. I have a
theory that after you buy your tenth gun, they start to whisper to each
other at night, only to fall silent when you scream, "Who said something
about my small penis!?" I looked for a whimsically insane one to review,
but the theme of every single one of these books is how after night falls,
guns laugh at the author's penis. These books are all disorganized
collections of echo-chambered arguments for how 27 words written two
centuries ago ensure the author's ability to melt his congressman with a
flamethrower.
It doesn't really matter how you feel about the Second Amendment. I mean,
you can have an opinion and debate and threaten your congressman with
melting, but the Supreme Court might one day disagree with you. So what
then? For decades, gun owners have been threatening "civil war" if anyone
ever comes for their guns, and honestly, that seems like an overreaction.
Who cares if the government makes your guns illegal? Just hide a few. You
maniacs are on Facebook threatening to murder police if they come to take
them, but you're scared to lie to the hypothetical gun collector? That's
like refusing to download Westworld, but being okay with torturing James
Marsden until he tells you what happens in it. Look at it this way:
Throwing stars are illegal right now, and ask me how many throwing stars I
have. Or try with all those throwing stars in your neck, mouth, and dick.
These books are filled with titty-thumping threats about rising up against
tyranny. They assert that all these handguns are there to insure no
government ever tries to take things too far. But what would that look
like? Some of the more coherent books try to pull obscure events from
history to demonstrate the dangers of gun control, but there's a more
contemporary example. Philando Castile was pulled over by police 46 times
for things like speeding, not wearing a seat belt, or having muffler
trouble. Actual "jack-booted government thugs" took his liberty, stole
thousands of dollars of his money, and eventually shot him to death
because he had a legal gun in his car. And not a single one of you grabbed
a rifle and overthrew the government. So don't tell me there will be a
second civil war. You've already seen tyranny, and your reaction was to
blame the victim for not meekly complying hard enough. Unless ... oh shit,
unless you're ... no. Unless you're ... r-racist?
If you're scared because everything wants to kill you, a gun won't make
that go away, you coward. And if you're stockpiling weapons to defeat
America, do you have enough men to operate your LPs and OPs and still
maintain your defensive positions? Why am I asking? They have tanks,
buddy. If the American military decides they want American civilians dead,
your choices are joining the Army or dying with a lot of valid questions.
So if it makes you feel good to carry your gun around, or play with it, or
yank it out in a panic when you hear a strange noise, that sounds fun, but
stop trying to convince us it's because you're super smart and tough.
"Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
In order to do this, I found some products created by gun nuts for gun
nuts -- things they never would have expected to fall into the hands of
someone with critical thinking or research skills. I should try to
establish a little bit of rhetorical authority here by stating that I grew
up shooting guns, still shoot them, and really don't care if you have one.
To be more clear, I was raised by "Russians and aliens are coming" gun
nuts, not "bring our machine guns into Applebee's" gun nuts. And if you're
desperate to poke holes in my expertise so you can dismiss everything I
say, I am certain AR-15 stands for "Action Rifle 15stopher."
4
"Only A Good Guy With A Gun Stops A Bad Guy With A Gun!"
Using a gun to kill an attacker is the American dream, like inventing the
next F.emale B.ody I.nspector hat or breaking your leg near an improperly
displayed "wet floor" sign. But how likely is it? Even in this great
country where there are as many firearms as people, a Harvard University
analysis found that guns are only used for defense in 0.9 percent of
contact crimes. And here's the statistic everyone is going to hate:
Getting a gun drawn on your attacker only reduces your chances of being
injured by 2.4 percent. If you wore a T-shirt that said "Don't shoot me,
Randy Bruckner (Aquarius)! I'm you from an alternate timeline!" every day,
it would have the exact same odds of protecting you. And I'm not even done
crunching all the numbers.
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Assuming you live an average American lifespan and have average luck, you
have a 0.3 percent chance of being the victim of violent crime before you
die. That means carrying a gun has a 0.0000648 percent of protecting you
from something! Over the course of your life! Those odds are, sadly, lower
than the chances of you or someone in your family making a mistake with
the gun or having a suicidal urge, but those are factors you can sort of
control, so let's ignore them. The point is, carrying a gun to protect
yourself is like carrying around a giant strawberry in case someone ever
asks, "What's a scarecrow's favorite fruit?" You look like a total asshole
for the teeny, tiniest chance of one day doing something horrific.
But enough about reality. What the shit does reality know about protecting
yourself from imaginary gunmen? Pick up your gun and let's take a look at
a self-defense instructional DVD from the ARMED RESPONSE Video Training
Series, called Tactics And Techniques For Defensive Shooting.
ARMED ARMED RESPONSE HESPONSE Senier Traimino Video Kemk Dana Mre ARED
RESPONSE Hed Tochole anet Soee Taetie Defet tore
"Mister? I'm not being kidnapped. It's simply that my adopted parents are
ethnic. No no, it's alright. This happens all the time."
Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
An actual quote from Ralph about how it's so easy to wear a gun all day
that you'll forget all about it.
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The first few minutes of the video are spent convincing the viewer to
always carry their firearm. Otherwise, what's the point of any of this?
Not carrying a gun disgusts Ralph, and he starts contemptuously listing
the feeble excuses gun owners make. He scolds, "A lot of people say, 'I
only need a gun at night,'" but counters that this is "obviously not
true." The next excuse is how a lot of people don't need their gun since
they're "only going to the store." That's not true either because "random
street crime is called random street crime for a reason." And with that,
he has debunked all the excuses.
Oh, you thought there'd be more? No, Ralph has been foiling imaginary
crimes for so long that he can't even picture a situation in which a
loaded gun might be inconvenient. Hey, Ralph: airport, water park, haunted
house, CAT scan machine, cha-cha lessons, holding a pizza, any location
from the perspective of the other people worried about the spooky fuck
with the gun.
A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY, LM, I DON'T NEED A GUN IN THE BATH. WRONG... SHARKS.
ENEMY FROGMEN... SOMEONE SEES YOUR GRAY CONTROL SHAMPOO...
Just agree to always have your gun with you before Ralph's brain explodes.
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So it seems like gun people still make incoherent arguments to justify
their guns even when they're alone in a room with an American flag. And
speaking of incoherent, Ralph thinks of guns like seat belts. In a normal
room, one with critical thinkers, this next part of the argument would be
drowned out by objections and laughter, but Ralph talks about the old
days, when they first put seat belts in cars and no one bothered with
them. It took a public service campaign to get people to use them, and
guns need something similar.
Maybe Ralph skipped a cue card, because from here he moved on to holster
comfort, but I found his line of thinking fascinating. How could a person
not see a single difference between putting on a seat belt and taking a
lethal firearm to a salad bar? It requires such nimble stupidity bounding
through your brain and erasing things before logic can get to them. I
mean, if I was a scientist trying to teach earthworms the difference
between two things, I would start with seat belts and guns. Those are the
two most different goddamn things that have ever been. So, Ralph, if you
want to take a gun to the dentist, enjoy, but don't pretend you did it
because you're a wise genius.
The DVD is sold as a survival video, but it's almost entirely about gun
fighting techniques. There is very little time devoted to deescalating a
situation before a deadly shootout. Ralph must have figured the kind of
guy who'd watch two hours of contact battle drills for grocery stores
isn't going to finesse his way out of anything. Which brings me to the
main issue I have with this video: It is Dungeons & Dragons for
psychopaths. The one thing guns have going for them is that they're cool,
and this video makes them seem lamer than a Wendy's Instagram post. Ralph
looks like Mr. Spock if Star Trek was made in Kosovo as the dying act of
starving potato farmers. He lumbers around pretending to foil ambushes in
the soup aisle, seemingly unaware that we live in a world where that's an
embarrassing thing to do. He makes carrying a gun look less cool than
asking a new mother if you can milk her.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Fuckin' gunnin' around! With Ralph fuckin' Mroz!"
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If you have a vivid imagination, but only about killing Starbucks bathroom
intruders, Ralph's system is perfect. But you probably shouldn't go to the
strip mall like you're clearing houses in Fallujah. Statistically
speaking, playing Army Man all day is preparing you to shoot your wife
during an argument, not foil a kidnapping. If all you have is a gun, every
problem looks like a paper Osama bin Laden. If you really need to feel
tough, do what I do and challenge outer space to kill you every night.
FACE PEDATOR ME, Apri Z018 Sunday Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
Saturday 3 SPACE4 PREDATOR2 PREDATOR MADE 6 7 PeEDATAR PREDATOR PUT SCARED
You may already know this if you or someone you know is crazy, but for
years, beneath our perception, a battle has raged between two rival
factions: maniac gun people and maniac knife people. Set aside 300 hours
someday and put some of those words into a YouTube search.
Ralph is a gun maniac, so he knows that in order to defeat a knife maniac,
you have to start the fight at a distance. How far away? I'm glad you
asked, because there is a test you can take to find out. It's called the
Tueller Drill, and it would be sort of adorable if it wasn't a training
exercise for killing a confused jogger. This is going to sound stupid when
I explain it, but in a Tueller Drill, your friend stands next to you while
your gun is holstered. Both of you get ready, as if you're about to do
something very important like adults. Your friend gives you the signal (by
running away as fast as he can), and you draw your gun and fire! Now,
wherever your friend is when your gun goes off is how far away you need to
be when someone's holding a knife. It's what us gun badasses call the thin
line of knife murder, and we walk it every time a potential threat is
making stir fry or opening a letter. Pansies would never understand.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Fuckin' measurin' knife murder radiuses! With Ralph! Fuckin'! MROZ!"
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Ralph spends a lot of time explaining the results of his drill. He
mentions his friend's bad knees and adjusts the numbers for a knife maniac
whose legs are not riddled with arthritis. Then he adjusts the numbers for
someone who might be very slow with a gun. So who knows, really? It's sold
as the ultimate scientific test to find your threshold of knife safety,
but it turns out it's a wild guess based on a middle-aged man's six-yard
dash. It doesn't even account for the times you're reading a book, nursing
a baby bird, or learning how to pull taffy when knife sprinters strike.
This DVD costs $34.95, and ten minutes of it is nonsensical babbling about
how far you have to stand from the easiest Nintendo enemy to kill him if
he ever shows up in real life.
I get the appeal of this type of thinking. When you've verified that you
could gun down a man speeding from the shadows with a knife as long as
he's 21 feet away, it feels like you're pretty good at defending yourself.
But how is your jiu-jitsu? I only ask because if you don't know any,
you're at risk of any casual UFC enthusiast killing you with a headlock.
And are you more than 30 pounds overweight? OK, you're still beautiful in
your way, but your sloppiness does mean a former below-average high school
athlete can grab your phone, wallet, or baby and escape at a light jog.
Speaking of fleeing, how fast can you move three miles with your full go
bag, which you of course have ready? Also, where are you going? Did you
and your family establish an emergency rendezvous point or an FRS
frequency? Does everyone know the passphrase to use when in distress?
Bitch, did you even booby trap your staircase with Micro Machines? You
fat, dead idiot. You never cared about protecting yourself. Your gun was a
fucking toy that somehow got tied up in your political identity.
Related: The 15 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (4/4/17)
3
"You Need A Gun To Protect Your Family!"
It's easy to mock irrational gun owners. They say and do silly things
their entire lives, then quietly pass away from diabetes dozens of
hospital walls and countries away from any action-packed gunfights. But
there is one thing that can help you understand them: children. When you
become a parent, every chemical in your body is demanding that you protect
this fragile dumbass constantly putting mysteries in its mouth and darting
for the nearest certain doom. It not only makes you more violently
paranoid, it also adds a self-righteous certainty to that violent
paranoia.
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I'll give an example. I live in beautiful San Francisco, where about 38
percent of the city's outdoor surfaces are covered in schizophrenia. It's
not unusual for a homeless man to leap from a pile of trash and shriek
about how Burmese Cody can hear your teeth. You'll find this upsetting at
first, but you quickly develop an internal voice to remind you, "Remain
calm. Punching this man will get AIDS on your hands. Maybe Google how you
can help with social programs and mental health assistance later." That
voice is very different when you're a parent. When you're with your kid,
that same hobo voice hisses, "Kill the footpad! Protect the chiiiiild!"
So I'm not saying I "get it" get it when you aim a gun at the dick of your
daughter's prom date or refuse to vaccinate your child, but I understand
it's more complicated than you being dumber than the rest of us. To help
understand more, let's look at some literature written for gun nuts who
are thinking about children. My Parents Open Carry is 24 pages of fiction
set in a world wherein heavily armed reactionaries are normal and every
conversation is two people reminding each other how wonderful guns can be.
It's a dystopian nightmare far worse than our world, where guns are merely
used to kill.
My Parents Open Carry Written by Brian Jeffs and Nathan Nephew
Illustratedby ornal Bergman An Open Carry Adventure Safe -Responsible -
Fun
"And we are sacks of fluid and bacteria. Terran biped monsters like you."
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The book was written by Brian G. Jeffs and Nathan R. Nephew, a geologist
and a software developer who founded Michigan Open Carry, a nonprofit
organization promoting the legalization of an already quite legal thing. I
wouldn't say their life's work is "pointless," because I think their
ridiculous book has done more harm than good for their cause. So they are
in fact worse than pointless, both as people and creators. This isn't a
team of like-minded thinkers feeding off each other to create motivated
art. These two write dialog like they're NRA help desk robots who
accidentally got on the phone with each other.
Brenna's mom and dad both have concealed carry licenses So by state law
they can carry a handgun loaded in a vehicle. As the family was about to
climb
"Hello! Oh, what a nice gun! It's very much like a seat belt! Goodbye!" --
A Normal Thing To Say
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The cover sells the book as "An Open Carry Adventure: Safe - Responsible -
Fun." Each of those words is a lie. It's about Brenna Strong and her
family running errands in their small town, fully armed, and experiencing
the joy their weapons bring others. That's all. These moon-faced creatures
strut around town with lethal firearms while reciting dubious gun facts to
the extremely receptive, and nothing else happens. That's not an
adventure. That's the other side to the story "I almost got shot today by
this weird family of terrorists who came into the bakery."
As far as calling the book "safe," I'd argue that guns blow holes in human
flesh, and those are quite dangerous. And "responsible" is definitely not
the word for a book of overwhelmingly debunked gun myths written for
children. But I guess you could call it "fun," since it's sort of like
listening to a supervillain explain his unique plan to eliminate Earth's
dumbest citizens. Seriously, if you tied up Captain America and read him
this book, he'd say, "You'll never win, Red Skull! Americans would never
terrify their own children and then give them guns!"
This book is strongly in favor of terrorizing your kids and arming them.
As Brenna's dad always says, "Crime and evil can happen anywhere at any
time. History shows that." He also likes to sneak up on her to "increase
Brenna's awareness." The sequel to this book is definitely going to be I
Shot My Own Father: An Open Carry Tale Of Loss And Forgiveness.
Brenna's mom continued, Our holsters are designed to allow only the person
who is carrying the handgun to draw it. This allows you time to react to a
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My Parents Open Carry is illustrated by a woman named Lorna Bergman, who
draws like a sketch artist who forgot how to draw non-sex criminals. She
draws like her only influences were her fifth-grade art teacher and his
suicide. From her line work, I'd guess her normal medium is building traps
out of doll parts. And she's perfect for this fucked up nightmare of a
book.
are ready to shoot. aunloaded until ready For over her the of her an hour
Brenna's dad taught workings new pistol, and they practiced shooting
targets
Never have an alien writer and artist come together to so purposefully
betray their human disguises.
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Brenna and her family go to different locations, getting compliments on
their guns or annihilating gun skeptics. You would think the story would
eventually involve foiling a terrorist plot or gunning down an escaped
gorilla, but nothing ever happens. I think these authors, in their wildest
fantasies, only want to finally win an argument about guns.
The closest the book comes to a plot is when Brenna's dad tells a story
about how he brought a gun into Woodruff's Waffle World and no one robbed
it. This is a pretty common argument from gun activists, that criminals
stop doing crime because of guns. That'd be tough to prove, but ... maybe
it's true? I mean, it's not, as dozens of studies have shown, but this
book takes place in a magical world free from research, where every pro-
gun argument comes true. Look at this crazy shit:
In fact, I had this exact thing happen to me. One morning last summer, my
friend and I were sitting in Woodruff's Waffle World on Main Street eating
"They decided not to rob Woodruff's because they saw a customer armed with
a gun on his hip. I believe the customer they saw was me."
So the police arrest two men who confessed they were going to rob the
place before they saw Brenna's dad's gun. Fucking what? Are you telling me
this is how stupid you need the world to be for your ideas to make sense?
Robbers confess to crimes they don't do hours after seeing guns? Your dad
is lying to you, Brenna. Your dad is a liar because he thinks guns are
more important than truth. These dumbshit authors could have written an
actual waffle house crime getting foiled by heroic armed citizens like
they get foiled by heroic unarmed ones in our world. Instead they wrote a
pile of horseshit taking place in a world made out of horseshit. So now
the book's hero, Brenna, has to decide whether her gun activist father is
very dumb, very dishonest, or both. Which is how you would describe most
people trying to sell you on guns. You fucking apes know you can just buy
a gun, carry it around, and shoot it, right? There's no reason to spread a
bunch of ridiculous lies and willful ignorance to trick us into letting
you.
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Related: Happy Birthday, Badass - August 3
2
"Men Are Monsters, So Women Need Guns!"
So maybe guns do more harm than good when it comes to protecting yourself
or your family, but what if you're a woman? Well, you may have heard the
statistic that when a woman has a gun in the home, it triples her chances
of being murdered. Holy shit, right? Relax. When a woman has a hot dog in
her home, it also triples her chances of getting colon cancer. She can
triple her chances of being murdered by telling the internet she never saw
the appeal of Legend Of Zelda. So I guess don't fully relax, but your odds
of being murdered are very slim, and made only slightly worse by every
single possible choice.
About 38 percent of gun owners are women, but they don't seem to be
interested in shooting those guns for murder or self-defense. In 2014,
only 15 ladies gunned down a man in self-defense. That obviously doesn't
include the women who defended themselves at sea and told no one but the
sharks what they had done, but 15 seems low, doesn't it? That's the number
of women out of 16 who probably had every right to kill a man in 2014.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS HAS GONE TOO FAR! IF YOU DON'T LIKE CAT CALLING,
TURN AROUND AND TELL HIM TO SHUT UP! A WOMAN GOT KILLED FOR DOING THAT IN
DETRO
This was actual advice given to an actual woman by an actual man.
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Women obviously don't want to solve their problems with guns, so why are
we pushing them so hard to do so? And what would that even look like? How
is a woman supposed to tell when you're a regular creep, a violently
insecure creep, or a harmless pervert only after a picture of her feet? If
a woman pulled a gun at every single early sign of trouble, she'd be
killing everybody, including the thoughtful gentlemen trying to pursue
real relationships by framing their titty compliments in a polite,
feminist way.
While on the subject of awful problematic men, I tweeted this back in
February:
Seanbaby @Seanbabydotcom Feb 21 I've never owned a gun, so I've had to
navigate life with nothing but a disarming charm and a front kick that can
shat
A psychiatrist might say that I lack the courage to be vulnerable, or a
doctor might say that I have some kind of testosterone problem brought on
by a dangerously oversized penis, but I like to think I was using my toxic
masculinity for a good cause. If we can make owning a gun seem like
something only a delicate lady would do, maybe we save the world? I don't
fucking know; I just like movies about Rambo and think doughy pussies with
guns pretending they're Rambo devalues Rambo. But I did learn from several
unlovable gun activists who took that tweet personally that this myth of
Lady Quickdraw, Catcall Executioner is not perpetuated by women. It's the
knee-jerk defense when you call someone a pussy for needing a gun. You
see, gun rights aren't for the tough guys like them; they're for the
other, helpless gender with no access to guile or karate.
So let's look at how well these gun activists' respect for women holds up
when there are no freedom-hating leftists around calling them names. As
you might imagine, most female-centric firearm videos are about sexy
bikini girls firing machine guns, because even Ted Nugent's fan needs to
masturbate. But I wanted one that exploited women's paranoia, not their
sexy, sexy bodies. I chose A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO FIREARMS, a 1987 VHS tape
starring "actress and mother" Lee Purcell, and "star of television's Simon
And Simon" Gerald McRaney. Spoiler: Gun videos for ladies aren't as good
as gun videos about ladies, but neither of them think much of women.
A WONAN'S GUIDE Ro TO FIREARMS A Lyon House Production WichLFF PURCELL
Hosted by GERALD McRANEY Soecid Appearances by GEOFFREY LEWIIS MARISA
WAVME Dis
Left: "Rock N' Roll #3: Sexy Girls & Sexy Guns! Featuring Over 20 Machine
Guns From Around the World!" Right: a film less respectful to female
marksmen.
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You might be wondering how a firearms guide for women is different than
one for men. Well, ladies like to be romanced a little bit, so A WOMAN'S
GUIDE TO FIREARMS opens with a lengthy intro set to smooth jazz. If it
wasn't at the start of a gun VHS, I'd say the song was written for gentle
penetration and nothing else. It sounds like a saxophone slowly pulling
its panties off. When I tried to Shazam it, the app said, "Song unknown,
but mmmm ... why, let's think of a name together while we fuck."
Shazam and I decided on "Wet Moonlight," and the song led into a sketch
starring journeyman actress Lee Purcell at home with her child. She hears
a strange noise outside while her husband is out of town! She has a gun,
but doesn't know how to use it! She is shouting all this into the phone
like a woman who knows she can't get fired from this acting gig. It's
weird how she claims she doesn't know how to use a gun, because she's
letting it escalate a single unidentified noise into a tremendously
dangerous crisis, which is almost exactly what most guns are used for.
M
"Can I describe the noise? Well, I suppose it was serial-killery, but with
some ghost? Oh please, you've got to hurry!"
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Since Lee doesn't know how to open fire at what is probably a raccoon, she
calls for help. Not to the police, but to rugged character actor Geoffrey
Lewis. He must have been on the way as soon as he heard "husband out of
town," because he is there immediately, finding no danger whatsoever. And
that's it! The tale of the harmless uninteresting noise, ripped from
today's headlines, is over! Which means two insane things have already
happened: 1) Even in a fictional world designed to teach us the value of
guns, guns are only useful in helping paranoid people wildly overreact,
and 2) Lee called one of the stars of Jean-Claude Van Damme's Double
Impact for help, and it wasn't either Jean-Claude Van Damme? Absurd.
DOB1 IMPACT
"Cut! Geoff, we have a call here from a 'Lee' who says you'd remember her
from an episode of Murder, She Wrote she did with you a few years back.
Sorry, no, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, she is saying. Anyway, she heard a
weird noise and needs you to drive up to her place in Malibu and search
her bushes? So I guess that's going to be a wrap for today, Jean-Claude
Van Damme and- WHAT!? Another Jean-Claude Van Damme!?!"
OK, so the sound turns out to be nothing, but Lee would sure feel better
if she knew how to shoot at the next one. Let's be clear: She and the
producers of this video think Plan A for strange noises in residential
neighborhoods should be throwing bullets at them. Luckily, Geoff is
working on a movie and getting trained to use guns by one of the best:
Mike Dalton. Geoff suggests that maybe Dalton's partner, an unnamed
possible gun expert, can help her. So like that, Lee has the number of a
co-worker's gun trainer's business partner. It's networking skills like
this that explain how she's a working actress without the ability to
express emotion or deliver a line.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"'Gun.' I've heard my husband say that word, but never knew what it meant.
Is it a type of quilt or bread?"
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The rest of the video is Lee at the shooting range getting guns taught to
her as if she had never heard of them before but may soon need to assemble
one. Mixed in with basic firearm safety is a strange amount of information
on the inner workings of guns and bullets. The script calls for Lee to be
fascinated by every fact, but believably gasping with delight when she
sees a bullet get chambered is beyond her capabilities.
It's crushingly boring, which is unexpected. Gun videos for men feature
corner-pieing drills and quick draw techniques to eliminate multiple
ninjas. Ralph Mroz showed me how to talk an outlet mall shopper into
carrying a loaded firearm and then kill him by diving under an SUV and
shooting his feet. This lady video is almost un-American in how it treats
guns like exhausting responsibilities no one should ever touch without
expert training. Lee learns about holsters, eye and ear protection,
trigger guards, and firing pins from two creeps who talk like they only
teach firearm classes because their hypnotism careers never took off. They
seem to truly want to keep the viewer alive. Which is weird, because if
that was their goal, it would have been more effective to write UNTAMED &
FORBIDDEN: The Farm Burglar's Guide To Horse Sex and not make a video
about guns.
ntomea FO obriaden E The Farm Guide Burglar's to 90% Horse sex' OFF
OPRAH'S 2016SELECTION BOOK CLUB
"I think we found the cause of death," said Ken "Barnyard Coroner" Blades
as he glanced at the three-foot member of my former lover. "Jesus, look at
that thing," he added. I didn't know how I was a ghost, but I knew I had
to prove Blades wrong and clear my beloved stallion's name. -- Untamed &
Forbidden Book III: Gallop, Gallop… Murder! Author Unknown, 2016
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After each lengthy seminar, the video cuts back to narrator Gerald
McRaney, the left Simon from TV's Simon And Simon. He's sitting in what
might be his study -- a troubling room decorated entirely with framed
pictures of firearms. Maybe they're the guns that killed his family? Maybe
the set designer was making a sarcastic joke no one caught? Either way,
these scenes help break down all the things Lee learned, in case you learn
slower than the world's dumbest woman as played by the world's least
interested actress. This video really wants you to know what you're doing
before you blow the fuck out of that noisy shadow outside your home.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Now that Lee knows the history of ammunition storage, she's ready to move
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
We're all very proud of you, Lee.
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This video was produced by a company that sells holsters, and while it
does seem to want its viewers to avoid shooting themselves, its main goal
was selling guns and gun accessories to women. Which explains why it felt
so strange as I watched it. When you sell firearms to men, you tell us
everything's trying to kill us, and we already know how easy it will be to
kill it first. Women don't generally walk around with that kind of
unearned confidence. When you sell firearms to women, you don't need to
convince them the world wants to them dead -- you need to convince them
their gun doesn't. So that explains why men get insecure doofuses playing
John Wick and the ladies get boring, responsible, nuanced training videos
with an all-star cast. Men win again, ladies.
Related: The 14 Most Insane Things Happening Right Now (2/2)
1
"We May Someday Need An Armed Uprising Against Our Tyrannical Government!"
There are certain hypothetical scenarios in which a gun is helpful or even
necessary. Go ahead and imagine some. OK, now use that amazing brain to
imagine some situations where you don't want everyone in a home, highway,
or bar carrying a gun. It doesn't really matter where your imagination
takes you, because when you combine all people and situations together,
guns add up to a serious net loss in safety. And it doesn't really matter
if you care, because we're allowed to have guns anyway. So I hope you
enjoy pictures of bikini girls shooting machine guns, because none of
these words matter!
mariou Sey Cins.. Sery Guus! Angela- -11-14 Hetlly-- A-47 lasio-zi Dotlie-
Fourteen af the seriest sourthern Califoria beaties scantily clad in
string
This VHS tape is by far the least likable thing I own.
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The Second Amendment guarantees arms for a well-regulated militia, but who
is that? Well, according to the Injury Control Research Center at Harvard
University, half of our guns are in the hands of 3 percent of the
population. And according to Scientific American, most of those people are
racist cowards, which I mean in the most clinical way possible. Studies
show gun hoarders are predominantly white men worried they can't protect
their families who suffer from economic insecurity and racial fears. It
might be what you already suspected, and maybe you're smug enough for
those findings to be satisfying, but we should be a little worried that
there's a massive industry lobbying to make twitchy intolerant people as
lethal as possible.
You run into a lot of constitutional scholars on Facebook or Fox News
these days who specialize entirely in aggressively insane interpretations
of the Second Amendment. It's like when someone can easily recall any
given state's age of consent. They're not so much a civics expert as they
are interested in doing awful (but technically legal) things. Let me put
it another way: If you're on the internet defending guns while you live in
the country where the most mentally ill person can buy any gun they want,
the statesmanlike convicted fraudster you voted for would describe you by
holding up a gimpy hand and going "DUHHR UHHHHRR."
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"You gotta see this guy. Uaaahhh!" -- Donald J. Trump, 45th president of
the United States
There are no shortage of uneducated, mentally ill men self-publishing
books on the Second Amendment. Amazon has thousands of them (though many
are miscategorized ladies underpants), and that number is increasing
faster than any single madman can read.
T Release on Amszon FEnSALD 1] S Slaves hate the 2nd Amendment RIGHO BEAR
ARLS THE MENDM HAS ARMS! EVERYONE BEAR RIGHT TO By JD Lovil Now GOD Tust
99s
That wasn't me being silly. You really do get a lot of gun rights panties
when you search for "2nd Amendment" under "books."
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The most insecure genre of nonfiction is Second Amendment books. I have a
theory that after you buy your tenth gun, they start to whisper to each
other at night, only to fall silent when you scream, "Who said something
about my small penis!?" I looked for a whimsically insane one to review,
but the theme of every single one of these books is how after night falls,
guns laugh at the author's penis. These books are all disorganized
collections of echo-chambered arguments for how 27 words written two
centuries ago ensure the author's ability to melt his congressman with a
flamethrower.
It doesn't really matter how you feel about the Second Amendment. I mean,
you can have an opinion and debate and threaten your congressman with
melting, but the Supreme Court might one day disagree with you. So what
then? For decades, gun owners have been threatening "civil war" if anyone
ever comes for their guns, and honestly, that seems like an overreaction.
Who cares if the government makes your guns illegal? Just hide a few. You
maniacs are on Facebook threatening to murder police if they come to take
them, but you're scared to lie to the hypothetical gun collector? That's
like refusing to download Westworld, but being okay with torturing James
Marsden until he tells you what happens in it. Look at it this way:
Throwing stars are illegal right now, and ask me how many throwing stars I
have. Or try with all those throwing stars in your neck, mouth, and dick.
These books are filled with titty-thumping threats about rising up against
tyranny. They assert that all these handguns are there to insure no
government ever tries to take things too far. But what would that look
like? Some of the more coherent books try to pull obscure events from
history to demonstrate the dangers of gun control, but there's a more
contemporary example. Philando Castile was pulled over by police 46 times
for things like speeding, not wearing a seat belt, or having muffler
trouble. Actual "jack-booted government thugs" took his liberty, stole
thousands of dollars of his money, and eventually shot him to death
because he had a legal gun in his car. And not a single one of you grabbed
a rifle and overthrew the government. So don't tell me there will be a
second civil war. You've already seen tyranny, and your reaction was to
blame the victim for not meekly complying hard enough. Unless ... oh shit,
unless you're ... no. Unless you're ... r-racist?
If you're scared because everything wants to kill you, a gun won't make
that go away, you coward. And if you're stockpiling weapons to defeat
America, do you have enough men to operate your LPs and OPs and still
maintain your defensive positions? Why am I asking? They have tanks,
buddy. If the American military decides they want American civilians dead,
your choices are joining the Army or dying with a lot of valid questions.
So if it makes you feel good to carry your gun around, or play with it, or
yank it out in a panic when you hear a strange noise, that sounds fun, but
stop trying to convince us it's because you're super smart and tough.
OrigInfoJunkie
Jan 22, 2022, 1:20:30 PM1/22/22
to
On 1/22/2022 9:17 AM, Ubiquitous wrote:
> 4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
>
>
>
> "Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
> to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
> around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
> literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
> understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
> already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
> believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
[snip unreadable shit]
> 4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
>
>
>
> "Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
> to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
> around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
> literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
> understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
> already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
> believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
Hey, you stupid fuckhead! Next time, why not simply post the link to the piece
that you plagiarized?
https://www.cracked.com/blog/4-gun-nut-arguments-debunked-by-gun-nuts-themselves
Like that, you stupid fucking shit-4-braincell.
Rudy Canoza
Jan 22, 2022, 2:03:17 PM1/22/22
to
On 1/22/2022 9:17 AM, Ubi forger wrote:
> 4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
>
This is actually a very good piece, which is the first clue that the real Ubi
> 4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
>
moron didn't post it. Here's the link:
https://www.cracked.com/blog/4-gun-nut-arguments-debunked-by-gun-nuts-themselves
Not far into it, the author rips an absolute gun not, Ralph Mroz, developer of
something called "ARMED RESPONSE Video Training Series" that has a DVD called
"actics And Techniques For Defensive Shooting." Prior to that, the author has
given statistics that show that the average person has only a minuscule combined
chance over his entire life of being the victim of a violent crime in the first
place *and* successfully using a gun in it to defend himself (0.3 percent chance
of being a victim of violent crime, 0.9 percent defensive gun use in contact
crimes, 2.4 percent reduction of risk of injury from getting gun drawn).
But then he positively nails it:
Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our national
crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be convinced --
those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the one self-evident
truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out from there. The host of
this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way, and here's how it works:
Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since you need a gun, there must
be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are enemy gunmen everywhere, you
must be switched the fuck on at all times. There is a potential shooter in
every car, a potential bomb in every stroller, easily seven cobras in every
toilet. Only you can stop them. You're now in the proper mindset to safely go
to the bagel shop.
right-wingnut gun fondlers here. They've lied themselves into believing they
"need" guns, but the reality is, they *worship* guns, and they consider the fact
of worshiping guns as the "proof" that they are good people, the same as Hartung
considers himself a good person for worshiping a sky fairy.
Ubiquitous
Jan 22, 2022, 5:09:17 PM1/22/22
to
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Gun nut" is a loaded term that I'm going to use anyway, because it refers
to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
to members of a very specific group: Those who base their entire worldview
around the idea that the presence of at least one gun can improve
literally any situation. In the name of gaining a completely unbiased
understanding of their position, I wanted to take four of the terrible,
already debunked pro-gun arguments they use and see if they actually
believe them when there aren't any libtards around to own.
Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Now that Lee knows the history of ammunition storage, she's ready to move
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
Craig Johnson
Jan 23, 2022, 9:07:11 AM1/23/22
to
In article <0lnoug544bprvmspo...@4ax.com>, Fred...@invalid.com says...
> Try to come in my trailer park (the lamplighter in Canon City Colorado)
>
https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/anton-eaks_id_G-1930449000622223435
>
> and you will be worshipping me.
>
Fred Oinka AKA Tony Eaks worships his trailer park...
https://postlmg.cc/KRRFTW8x ROFL!
>
https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/anton-eaks_id_G-1930449000622223435
>
> and you will be worshipping me.
>
Fred Oinka AKA Tony Eaks worships his trailer park...
https://postlmg.cc/KRRFTW8x ROFL!
Ubiquitous
Jan 23, 2022, 2:33:39 PM1/23/22
to
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
Showing statistics to gun owners always works, and I just solved our
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
national crisis. You're welcome. However, there are a few who can't be
convinced -- those who treat guns like religion. Owning a firearm is the
one self-evident truth in their lives, and all of reality is built out
from there. The host of this DVD, Ralph Mroz, definitely feels that way,
and here's how it works: Since you have a gun, you must need it. And since
you need a gun, there must be enemy gunmen everywhere. And since there are
enemy gunmen everywhere, you must be switched the fuck on at all times.
There is a potential shooter in every car, a potential bomb in every
stroller, easily seven cobras in every toilet. Only you can stop them.
You're now in the proper mindset to safely go to the bagel shop.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
"Now that Lee knows the history of ammunition storage, she's ready to move
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
on to bandolier maintenance. Hi, I'm TV's Gerald McRaney, and I framed a
picture of 13 guns."
This has nothing to do with anything relevant to anything, but after Lee
finally gets bullets downrange, Gerald McRaney is so proud of her that he
frames a picture of her shooting and adds it to his strange collection. I
love this because you can't fake that kind of weird. If you wrote a
million joke versions of this video, you would never decide to put the
star in a little picture being proudly displayed by some narrator she's
never met. You have to be a genuinely insane person to make this kind of
decision, and we should always feel lucky to witness such rare, true
absurdity. So please enjoy.
4 Gun Nut Arguments That Debunk Themselves
Ubiquitous
Jan 25, 2022, 5:03:28 PM1/25/22
to
Ubiquitous
Feb 2, 2022, 8:10:18 AM2/2/22
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Ubiquitous
Feb 2, 2022, 8:13:33 PM2/2/22
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Ubiquitous
Feb 6, 2022, 7:11:25 PM2/6/22
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Ubiquitous
Feb 6, 2022, 10:26:52 PM2/6/22
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Ubiquitous
Feb 10, 2022, 10:33:54 AM2/10/22
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