Nothing To See Here
August 20, 2012 - 5:37 am - by Andrew Klavan
pjmedia.com
There’s nothing to write about this week as no one shot anyone for any
politically motivated reason at the Washington, D.C., headquarters of
the Family Research Council, a group that is obviously hateful for
promoting traditional views of marriage and so couldn’t be the victim
of a hate crime in the first place because they’re so hateful any hate
would logically have to be coming from them and not from the person
who shot them.
According to the Media Research Center, CBS News did not even bother
to report the non-shooting at FRC that did not leave the building
manager wounded when a man who was not carrying fifteen Chick-fil-A
sandwiches in a backpack did not say “I don’t like your politics,”
before not opening fire on the unarmed victim. Since the event never
occurred, NBC’s Brian Williams was able to cover it in a mere 17
seconds. And one day after the shooting never happened, CNN anchor
Zoraida Sambolin clarified the motivation of the non-existent event by
proclaiming that FRC was “hate spewing hate,” so there was no question
from which side of the gun barrel the hatred was emanating.
It’s clear therefore that the non-shooter, Floyd Corkins, was not
motivated by any of the never overblown and thoroughly non-despicable
non-overreactions to Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy‘s recent defense
of traditional marriage. The gunman was only carrying those fifteen
sandwiches because they are just. So. Unbelievably. Tasty!
Nor was the non-hate-crazed non-gunman inspired by the left-wing
Southern Poverty Law Center, which has included the Family Research
Council on a list of hate groups along with neo-Nazis and the Klan.
It would, of course, have been impossible for a gunman to have been
inspired by left-wing hatred because left-wing people are loving and
don’t hate anyone except those people who disagree with them who are
hateful because the left is so loving that to oppose them is hateful.
If you get my drift.
In other non-news, Vice President Joe Gaffe did not make any bidens
this week, or vice versa. The lack of blithering foolishness from
Biden confirmed that those who supported Sarah Palin for vice
president remain stupid. If Biden had, for instance, made wildly
offensive remarks about black people in a mock southern accent, or
indicated he didn’t know which state he was in, or ridiculed a woman
translating one of his rambling speeches into sign language, then, of
course, America’s comedians would have been on the job making jokes
about him. Instead, our comedians were silent on the matter because
they didn’t want to imply that Joe Biden is an idiot, since that’s
impossible because he’s not Sarah Palin. Who is obviously an idiot
because she don’t forget to find out why Sarah Palin is bad and fill
in the rest of this sentence later.
Fortunately such relatively minor non-stories as a man not inspired by
hateful leftist rhetoric not shooting an unarmed man or Joe Biden not
proving that Sarah Palin has more brains in her lipstick canister than
he has in his head, were not there to obscure the fact that the Gross
Domestic Product has been steadily falling, a major indicator that the
Obama economy is an epic fail. Which is not happening either, since
the networks went for six months without saying a word about it.
So we can just move along to something more important. Like Paul
Ryan’s abs. Which, believe me, are happening!
[An extra hat-tip to the always brilliant gang at the Media Research
Center, who are all over everything that's not going on!]