Restaurant Closed Under First Of Its Kind Environmental Law

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SANTA BERKLEY, CA (AT) – A legendary TexMex grill faces closure under
a revolutionary new law set to be adopted by a small California town
this evening. Ethel’s Firestand has been serving residents of Santa Berkley for
more than thirty years, but faces cesation if stringent new methane
guidelines are passed. “Over this decade we have strived to
eliminate our community’s carbon footprint,” said Councilperson Esolivin
Chambers today at a press conference. “But now we seek to go further
and to genuinely heal our biosphere. All human produced gases are a
threat to the environment, and this includes methane, a gas that is
twenty times more powerful than hated carbon.”


Critics say that the popular jalapeno laden chili conconctions at the
restaurant greatly increase human methane production, thereby ruining
Santa Berkley’s efforts to become the world’s first carbon negative
community. The town has been a lightning rod for publicity in the
lastten years, from becoming the first town to granting voting rights to
animals to later banning Fourth of July celebrations. Ms. Chambers
firmly denied that this was the latest in what some critics are
calling publicity stunts and said, “This is a problem of explosive
proportions. At first we thought that sheep and cattle were to blame.
Sadly it was almost too late before we came to realize that we
ourselves were to blame for the destruction of the planet.”


Supporters say that Ethel’s Firestand is being unfairly targeted, as
local collective farms are still permitted at the moment to produce
other methane-intensive foods such as beans and cabbage. Still, most
of the citizens interviewed are in favor of the measure and have
vowed to stay away from the establishment.