Hebrews 9:27 and Gozer The Gozerian
strychnine
SAN DIEGO, California (Monday 12 Aug 96)-- I awoke to the frightening
experience of Mojo standing at my bedside with a hotel towel around his
waist intoning in a metered baritone, "We are pilgrims in an unholy
land." His eyes were like halogen bulbs. He'd clearly been awake since
five or six, and now it was time for him to rouse his "editorial
assistant" and get prepared for public consuption.
The first item on our agenda was to acquire breakfast at the buffet in the
Marriott without distracting the delegates from their morning bourbon,
then we were off to bow and scrape in abject supplication before the press
relations demigods in a final desperate attempt to secure yours truly a
"limited access pass." Finally, Mojo planned to spend the morning
cruising the convention floor trying to keep from drowning in the
prodigious bullshit being lobbed as fast as it could be produced from the
dais and the CNN camp followers clustered around it like hungry beetles.
The limited access pass was not forthcoming, so there was nothing for it
but to club some hapless Gannett reporter over the head and steal one in
the confusion. Mojo was on deadline, though, so it would have to wait.
While he went down to the convention floor, I retired to the AT&T Worldnet
complementary press filing center to muck about with the computers.
Mojo was originally worried that somebody was going to notice that I
didn't have a credential and shoo me away from the press filing center,
but after spending an hour or so in this swinepit, it became clear that
AT&T was actually grateful for me having the kindness to grace their
little marketing pitch to small-time writers, journalists and other
vermin. At least I knew how to find out for myself that the two computers
they had hooked up to a T-1 line for the purpose of exposing technophobic
hacks to the World Wide Web were conveniently not hooked up to a shared
printer.
There was an amusing moment when I discovered that the complementary web
access was restricted from certain sites with a tool ordinarily employed
to keep pimply-faced fifteen-year-old white kids from downloading Miss
August. Only in this case, the site restricted was the California GOP
Home Page.
These rat bastards have unmitigated gall. It turns out there was some
important contact info on that page that Mojo needed in order to plague
his duly elected representatives, so I forged email from
madb...@boom.semtex.org containing a copy of the restricted page and a
questionable paraphrase from Leviticus.
After lunch, I cruised down to "the cage," which is Mojo's affectionate
name for this tiny little parking lot surrounded by twelve foot high
chainlink a few hundred yards from the metal detectors where protest
rallies have been officially declared permissible. What a depressing
spectacle. The only interesting moment came shortly after a small
contingent of clerics for choice arrived, followed up by a noxious Los
Angeleno with a megaphone, a dirty mouth and a huge sign saying "Jesus
Saves From HELL!"
It wasn't long before this guy had six shoulder-mounted video cameras
growing out of his face while he and I had the following conversation:
FREAK: We're talking about a doctor that takes a knife, and rams it up
a womanšs womb and cuts little arms and fingers and legs and arms and
heads to pieces and blood and guts thatšs what wešre talking about. I'm
not going to argue with you about some trite and ridiculous thing.
STRYCHNINE: What should be done with a guy like that?
FREAK: Pardon me, what should be done with what?
STRYCHNINE: With a guy who would do something like that?
FREAK: I would hope our nation would take action to our uh proper uh
legal system, no I'm not... I'm for the government making the right
decisions. I'm for the government preserving life, but I'm not for
lawlessness...
After we bolted from that spectacle, we had a brief moment of reality.
Three kids from San Francisco had come down to the convention to promote
their own twisted folk music. The name of their band was 'Karmavore' and
their new "explosive' hit single 'Gonna Die In America' is, if the
reactions of the Republicans unable to steer a wide enough path around
where they were set up on the sidewalk next to the permit-only parking
lots is any measure, completely inscrutable. Dr. Strychnine says Buy It
Now.
In the evening, we shot over to the Sheraton, where the California
delegation was staying. It was crawling with California Highway Patrol,
because governor Wilson likes their crisp khaki uniforms, but we were
unable to collar Sonny Bono on account of the desk clerk who did an
admirable job of keeping a straight face while he told us poisonous lies
about how the Congressman had cancelled and wasnšt even in this timezone.
There was nothing left for us to do but hang about in the hotel bar
drinking Ouzo, playing pool and haranguing the ubiquitous CNN feed until
it was time to leave. The rest of the evening was a wicked blur of cigar
chomping screwheads and noisy protestors. If I could remember any
details worth mentioning, I would, but I canšt.
Mojo was yammering senselessly by the time we got back to the motel.
It was a long day for him, standing there listening to bad actors
delivering badly written lines and squelching the urge to break into song
and dance, singing "Acts Ten Looks Three". The poor bastard was asleep
within seconds of turning off the lights.
I, on the other hand, was forced to contemplate the potential meaning
of this heinous affair. I'm rapidly concluding that there is no
meaning here. None whatsoever. There is only Zuul.
--
j h woodyatt <j...@wetware.com> | National security is the
http://www.wetware.com/jhw | cause of national insecurity.
[sgi|mips|daver|indetech]!wetware!jhw | --hagbard celine
Han Solo
Are you any relation to Gozer the Destructor, or Gozer the Traveler?
-Rich
Alex Noble
In article <321330...@gc.net>, Han Solo <gra...@gc.net> writes
>Are you any relation to Gozer the Destructor, or Gozer the Traveler?
No but I am. I'm his brother. He's just misunderstood, really, get to
know him and you'll tolerate the occasional outburst.
Alex Noble.........................................alex@elbon.demon.co.uk
Coming soon : www.fatcitynews.com