New Borg Graduate Student.

3 views
Skip to first unread message

Rollin Thomas

unread,
Oct 30, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/30/98
to
Chapter 1.
The New Borg Graduate Student Arrives.

So I was sitting in my office, 403 that is, and Eric was chatting away
like usual to himself, wondering why (again) the supercomputer would
not run his job. Before he had a chance to tell me all the really
exciting details of his "job," there was a knock at the door. We
looked up.

! WE ARE THE NEW GRADUATE STUDENT.

In the doorway stood a Borg, about six feet tall, maybe, completely
decked out in his Borg-clothes, which were actually a part of his body.
He didn't appear to have a right eye, just a night-vision scope
there, and his other eye looked, well, dead. "Well, what is your name
then?" I asked. We naturally get our share of foreign students, and
generally the expect us Americans to be much too friendly, so I
thought I'd fulfill his, er, yeah his expectations.

! WE ARE CALLED THIRD DANCING PAPERCLIP OF FIVE.

"I guess you need a desk, huh?" started Eric. I know this will take a
while. "Good luck finding one. If there's one in the hallway or the
elevator, you can bring it in here if you're assigned here. They keep
cramming us in here like sardines."

! WE DO NOT REQUIRE A DESK FOR OUR TASKS. WE MERELY NEED TO
! BE ABLE TO GET CLOSE TO THE NETWORK HUB.

"Well they took the hub out a couple months ago when a lot of people
brought in their LINUX machines, and replaced them with nice wall
sockets, see?" Eric pointed behind him, near the file cabinet. All
the sockets except one were filled up. "But you can't be here. This
is my space. There's another set of sockets over there. Do you need
cable?"

! WE ALREADY HAVE 10BASE-T WIRE. WE WILL NOW TAKE OUR PLACE
! AT THE SOCKET.

And with this, Third Dancing Paperclip of Five proceeded to the socket
and from his leg came a nice yellow cable which inserted itself into
the wall. Curious, I quietly leaned forward and began to type. I
mean, you'd try it too, wouldn't you? I mean...

moose $: telnet third.dancing.paperclip.of.five

! WE DO NOT APPRECIATE SUCH BEHAVIOR.

"Shit, you don't telnet to other graduate student, do you? That's
pretty rude, Rollin." Well, I had to try...
-----
Chapter 2.
The New Borg Graduate Student in E&M.

Milton was lecturing, and of course, he was inserting dyadics in
integrals and doing them right there in his head. This amount of
mental gymnastics makes for an excellent lecture. It consists
basically of

"Hmmnnm, heah, yes, uh, mh, hm, oh, easy, hm oh, yes, and of course,
but we already know, and so, uh mhm, mmmh, hmmm, hm, oh of course, mh
uhm mmm uh yea."

When you read it it sounds like when you go down on someone, I guess
if you're skilled, but in reality, it just doesn't achieve much in the
way of communication. Suddenly, though, Third Dancing Paperclip of
Five (who refused to sit, he just stood during lecture and stared),
raised his hand.

! WE ARE CONFUSED. WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FACTOR OF FOUR PI?

"What do you mean factor of four pi it's right there, it's what it is
I mean, that's what it is, it's what you see right there, I don't
understand why you don't understand this is so easy, I mean, it's
utterly clear why magnetic monopoles can exist in nature and also
algebra is good for the soul and you just do it from first principles
I hope that answers your question."

Hearing this response, Third Dancing Paperclip of Five vaporized
Milton on the spot. Class was over.
-----
Chapter 3.
The New Borg Graduate Student at Study Session.

It was seven o'clock and Robert and I were in the computer lab, doing
Dr. Mason's last assignment on Mathematica. He's one of those
Mathematica junkies. If you don't know, Mathematica is to the
physicist what Adobe Illustrator is to the graphic artist. Anyway,
we were having a grand old time when Third Dancing Paperclip of Five
came in, and connected to the wall.

We were all pretty used to this by now, but what we didn't expect was

! DO YOU HAVE NUMBER THREE DONE?

Robert responded in the affirmative. Now Robert's a Texan. He drives
a big long stretchy Cadillac with genuine Texas Longhorns on the front
of it. Tinted windows, rhinestone-studded interior, cowskin-covered
steering wheel. Being a Texan, he's rather longwinded but a curious
sort, and probably too friendly for his own good.

"Hey, Third Dancing Paperclip or whatever-"

! WE ARE CALLED THIRD DANCING PAPERCLIP OF FIVE.

"-uh okay, we were going to have a bad movie night this weekend at my
house. We were wondering what to do for dinner, if you want to come,
what would you want to eat? You do like meat, right? You're not one
of those wuss vegetarians right?"

! WE DO NOT CONSUME EARTH FOOD. WE ARE ELECTROVORES. IF YOU
! HAVE A SURGE PROTECTOR WE WOULD BE MOST OBLIGED.

"I have to get him to loosen up," said Robert.
-----
Chapter 4.
The New Borg Graduate Student Teaches Physics for Life Sciences.

I walked by Third Dancing Paperclip of Five's physics for life
science majors recitation sections. I heard this.

subroutine force_diagram(g,m,N,f)
implicit none
real*8 g,m,N...

I looked in at the students. They looked pretty bored. Later on I
walked into the office during the Borg grad student's office hours. I
was horrified to see a nice sophomore girl on the floor, bleeding from
the ear. But what actually worried me the most was the away team over
in the corner shooting at Third Dancing Paperclip of Five. They kept
remodulating and eventually they knocked him out.

Later on I heard that the Borg Graduate Student was assimilating his
students during office hours. I guess the university frowns upon
that sort of thing with your students.


--
Rollin C. Thomas - tho...@mail.nhn.ou.edu - #54-93476-548
"We keep getting stories on a daily basis and slowly, like a slow-
cooked frog we digest them." - Art Bell, "Coast to Coast AM," 5-27-98

Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages