Responsibility vs Helping

[Rami Rustom]

Most parents know that they are responsible for helping their children. But many parents make the mistake of taking this too far by making themselves responsible for all of their children's actions.

This type of parenting tells the child that his parents will bail him out every time he gets into trouble so he's not responsible for the consequences of his actions. This carries over into adulthood and its the worst learning disability. People can't learn from their mistakes if they don't believe they are *responsible* for their mistakes.

So how should a parent help his child when he wants help while still leaving the responsibility on his child?

First, when addressing a problem, its important to know who is responsible. Ask yourself one question: Who's choice caused the problem? If it was your choice, then you are responsible for the consequences. But if it was your child's choice, then he's responsible.

Say your child runs in the hall way and bumps his head on a wall. Many parents shift the responsibility away from the child by saying, "bad wall, bad wall" while hitting the wall. This is their way of empathizing with the child to help him feel better. Instead, the parent should keep the responsibility where it is supposed to be. The child chose to run, so the consequences of running is responsibility.

To empathize with the child, you could hug him while saying, "I bet that hurts a lot Johnny. Do you want something to lessen the pain? Maybe an icepack?" And you should help the child understand the consequences of his actions by saying, "*You* should be more careful when *you're* playing near walls so *you* don't hurt *yourself*".

What if the child runs again? He probably will. And he may hit his head again. People often make the same mistake more than once, even many many times. So you shouldn't get upset about it, which is what many parents do. They will say things like, "I told you to be careful... why didn't you listen to me?" This is a mistake. People don't learn how to act just because they were told how to act. It tells the child to focus on what their parents think and feel rather than the consequences of their actions, which prevents learning because they are not thinking of the consequences.

Some parents make the mistake of repeating themselves a lot. They think that the more they repeat, the more their kids will remember. But this is a mistake. Learning doesn't work this way. In fact, this might prevent learning because he will feel patronized so he'll be focusing on the parent's annoying response rather than focusing on the consequences of his actions [is this right?]. And he might even do the opposite out of spite [is this right? I'm just making stuff up here.]

In these repeat cases its best to hug them and say, "Ya that hurts huh. Do you want an icepack? [what else should be said? should we provide more help? how can this be done without being repetitive?]".

-- Rami

[Jordan Talcot]

On Mar 31, 2012, at 9:13 AM, Rami Rustom wrote:

> Most parents know that they are responsible for helping their children. But many parents make the mistake of taking this too far by making themselves responsible for all of their children's actions.
>
> This type of parenting tells the child that his parents will bail him out every time he gets into trouble so he's not responsible for the consequences of his actions. This carries over into adulthood and its the worst learning disability. People can't learn from their mistakes if they don't believe they are *responsible* for their mistakes.

It's not base your parenting decisions on ideas about needing to "teach" your child certain "responsibilities" before adulthood. You should try to help your child pursue their own goals and interests. You shouldn't be trying to push an agenda on them.

>
> So how should a parent help his child when he wants help while still leaving the responsibility on his child?
>
> First, when addressing a problem, its important to know who is responsible. Ask yourself one question: Who's choice caused the problem? If it was your choice, then you are responsible for the consequences. But if it was your child's choice, then he's responsible.
>
> Say your child runs in the hall way and bumps his head on a wall. Many parents shift the responsibility away from the child by saying, "bad wall, bad wall" while hitting the wall. This is their way of empathizing with the child to help him feel better. Instead, the parent should keep the responsibility where it is supposed to be. The child chose to run, so the consequences of running is responsibility.

It is very common for parents to choose the "consequences" for their children's behavior, or fail to take steps which would change the "consequences", then blame those "consequences" on the child.

For example, if a child goes to bed later than the parent likes, the parent may: wake the child up early in the morning, then tell the child that being tired all day is the consequence of staying up late; fail to wake the child up in time to do something the child wanted to do, then tell the child that missing the event is the consequence of staying up late; when the child sleeps past "breakfast time", tell him that having to wait until "lunchtime" to eat is the consequence of staying up late.

There are many other things the parent may do. Note that in each of these cases, it was the *parent* who chose the "consequence", not the child. The *parent* is the one who is denying responsibility, when the parent tells the child that it is his own fault.

> To empathize with the child, you could hug him while saying, "I bet that hurts a lot Johnny. Do you want something to lessen the pain? Maybe an icepack?" And you should help the child understand the consequences of his actions by saying, "*You* should be more careful when *you're* playing near walls so *you* don't hurt *yourself*".

Or maybe the parent should pad the walls. Or give Johnny a helmet to wear. Or provide Johnny with better places to play, or more interesting things to do.

Or maybe Johnny doesn't feel coerced at all by humping his head, so parent's advice to "be more careful" to avoid bumping his head doesn't make much sense.

>
> What if the child runs again? He probably will. And he may hit his head again. People often make the same mistake more than once, even many many times.

If the child keeps doing it, maybe he doesn't consider it a mistake. Or, maybe the parent is still failing to provide him with better alternatives.

> So you shouldn't get upset about it, which is what many parents do. They will say things like, "I told you to be careful... why didn't you listen to me?" This is a mistake. People don't learn how to act just because they were told how to act. It tells the child to focus on what their parents think and feel rather than the consequences of their actions, which prevents learning because they are not thinking of the consequences.
>
> Some parents make the mistake of repeating themselves a lot. They think that the more they repeat, the more their kids will remember. But this is a mistake. Learning doesn't work this way. In fact, this might prevent learning because he will feel patronized so he'll be focusing on the parent's annoying response rather than focusing on the consequences of his actions [is this right?]. And he might even do the opposite out of spite [is this right? I'm just making stuff up here.]
>
> In these repeat cases its best to hug them and say, "Ya that hurts huh. Do you want an icepack? [what else should be said? should we provide more help? how can this be done without being repetitive?]".

The parent does not have to provide any commentary.

If the child is not unhappy with the situation, the parent can just provide whatever it is the child will find helpful if they are physically hurt (like an ice pack). This is much like if someone was practicing a physically demanding sport -- if they get a sports injury, you get help them by getting them heat/cold packs, or tensor bandages to wrap it, or whatever they like.

Don't say anything about the injury, or about how they can avoid the injury in the future, unless you think they would actually want to hear it. Some people are actually *proud* of their sports related injuries. Ballerinas are often proud of the callouses and blisters on their feet. Skateboarders can be proud of their cuts & scars.

If there is a problem though -- the child is unhappy with the situation -- then the parent needs to try to figure out what would help the child. Is the problem that they like to run, but don't have a good place to do it? Could they get some gym mats & set them up so child would have a space to play without as much risk of injury? Does the child have enough interesting things to do? Does the child realize that injuries aren't necessarily bad?

Jordan

[Elliot Temple]

On Mar 31, 2012, at 9:13 AM, Rami Rustom <rom...@gmail.com> wrote:

> Most parents know that they are responsible for helping their children. But many parents make the mistake of taking this too far by making themselves responsible for all of their children's actions.
>
> This type of parenting tells the child that his parents will bail him out every time he gets into trouble

won't a TCS parent do that?

> so he's not responsible for the consequences of his actions.

how does that follow from the parent being consistently helpful?

> This carries over into adulthood and its the worst learning disability. People can't learn from their mistakes if they don't believe they are *responsible* for their mistakes.
>
> So how should a parent help his child when he wants help while still leaving the responsibility on his child?
>
> First, when addressing a problem, its important to know who is responsible. Ask yourself one question: Who's choice caused the problem? If it was your choice, then you are responsible for the consequences. But if it was your child's choice, then he's responsible.
>
> Say your child runs in the hall way and bumps his head on a wall. Many parents shift the responsibility away from the child by saying, "bad wall, bad wall" while hitting the wall. This is their way of empathizing with the child to help him feel better. Instead, the parent should keep the responsibility where it is supposed to be. The child chose to run, so the consequences of running is responsibility.
> To empathize with the child, you could hug him while saying, "I bet that hurts a lot Johnny. Do you want something to lessen the pain? Maybe an icepack?" And you should help the child understand the consequences of his actions by saying, "*You* should be more careful when *you're* playing near walls so *you* don't hurt *yourself*".

maybe he should be less careful or the same. you didn't present any information in the scenario that indicated he should be more careful, but you seem to think you did.

> What if the child runs again? He probably will. And he may hit his head again. People often make the same mistake more than once,

how do you know it's a mistake?

> even many many times. So you shouldn't get upset about it, which is what many parents do. They will say things like, "I told you to be careful... why didn't you listen to me?" This is a mistake. People don't learn how to act just because they were told how to act. It tells the child to focus on what their parents think and feel rather than the consequences of their actions, which prevents learning because they are not thinking of the consequences.
>
> Some parents make the mistake of repeating themselves a lot. They think that the more they repeat, the more their kids will remember.

why do you think that's a common view?

> But this is a mistake. Learning doesn't work this way. In fact, this might prevent learning because he will feel patronized so he'll be focusing on the parent's annoying response rather than focusing on the consequences of his actions [is this right?]. And he might even do the opposite out of spite [is this right? I'm just making stuff up here.]
> In these repeat cases its best to hug them and say, "Ya that hurts huh. Do you want an icepack? [what else should be said? should we provide more help? how can this be done without being repetitive?]".

what if they don't want to be hugged? why inform us that hugging is best?

-- Elliot Temple
http://curi.us/