First pass Edit/Proof/Canon Check of 'Perfect 10'
Mike Omelanuk
Editing notes below – Mike Omelanuk
Stories that will help:
Another CAP 10 score – A Perfect 10 and A Perfect 10 part 2 – https://storiesonline.net/s/58087/a-perfect-10-part-1 and https://storiesonline.net/s/65027/a-perfect-10-part-2
Adapting Confederacy technology - Fairly Capable https://storiesonline.net/s/22400/fairly-capable/i Note that this story is farther along the time line than yours...
Hidden wrecked ship & alternate alien race (the Hwee) – The Cosca – Episode 1 https://storiesonline.net/s/57982/the-cosca-episode-1-family-values
My adaptation using the Hwee – The Beard, Chapter 8 https://storiesonline.net/n/36100/the-beard/9
Plot points:
AIs will know that Sean is hacking/infiltrating. BUT AIs have been known to be curious so they could allow him ‘read only’ access to see what he does… Likewise, he wouldn’t be allowed to encapsulate and isolate an AI, but they might allow him to think he had to see what he would do. Remember, he is being continually evaluated.
By what means is Sean communicating with AIs after he meets them? I understand postponing an implant, but some technology like an earbud/throat microphone is necessary.
Explain “ They were all bonded”. The normal process is to hand the individual a pseudo PDA that injects nanites that induce extreme nausea if the individual attempts to discuss Confederacy info with an unauthorized person. This is early on, so it is conceivable that a senior officer would brief his earth-side relatives, but later on not!
Extracted citizens (and especially concubines) are not allowed to return to earth after extractions unless 1) on an official business 2) with a Marine to pick up dependent children
Sean has 3 best friends who were not at his extraction. If he is so smart, why didn’t he figure an acceptable way to get them to the extraction. If he does, how will they fit into the story?
There is no way the AIs would not know about and permit the Corporal to use Confederacy technology to seduce candidates and fake CAP cards. This would have to be done outside a testing station by someone other than a citizen. AIs see everything that someone with an implant sees. This needs revision.
I find it unreasonable that an individual who is given a counterfeit CAP card by a uniformed Confederacy citizen would be executed if he/she is unaware it is counterfeit. There are cases where individuals knowingly purchase or otherwise obtain a fake card, but I don’t see this happening here. See my notes in-story on how the Confederacy would typically handle this type of situation – if you decide to keep the corporal as bad guy.
There is no AI Council. AIs communicate with each other as warranted. This was decided a long time ago. I suggested fixes within my edits.
‘Flying saucer’ type technology is already a plot point in other stories (see above suggestions) but easily adapted within your story.
I’m not sure why you specified Sean going to Annapolis. Sometime in the indicated time frame the Confederacy services will establish their own academies. His attending classes as an ensign and not a cadet would need explanation, and cadets are not allowed to marry. ~10 Conks would also need to accommodated/explained. Typically they would remain in his pod(s) while he is on detached duty – except one could accompany him. He could ‘get to know’ his harem while the being tested before he goes to Annapolis.
Bits and Pieces:
Marine(s) are customarily capitalized. Other armed services as well in the Swarm Cycle.
AI instead of A.I. except maybe a character’s writing.
No weapon that could destroy a planet or sun. Genocide is not permitted.
FTL communications are very rare and take special equipment and exceptional energy. Colonies and ships use FTL messenger drone capsules.
Your cover still has “add your txt here”.