Self-strangulation and Hanging

[Ashley J.]

I think more and more about being open and discussing my suicidal desires.  I openly admit that I am looking for the encouragement  to get it over with and just kill myself.  I did get into an email exchange with one person back right after Christmas, and he did offer to meet me and assist me with hanging myself.  There was just something about how the tone changed, making me feel that this person wouldn't actually assist me with hanging myself, but rather, prevent me from going through with it.  That made me discontinue the conversation, though if I did get into a conversation (via an email exchange) with someone genuine, I would gladly carry on the discussion.  

What I have been doing though is I've been practicing autoerotic asphyxiation more and more.  Being that I live in an apartment, I was able to create an almost perfect gallows.  Years ago, when I was a teenager, I would slip off into my bedroom closet, and there, I would loop a belt around my neck, then I would tie the belt off around the clothes rod so that, when I knelt, the way I had the belt tied off, my knees wouldn't touch the floor by about 6-inches, allowing the belt to tighten around my neck and strangle me.  What would happen though was that the belt would slip and eventually release.  I had numerous occasions where the release wouldn't happen until either just as I was beginning to pass out, or just after I passed out.  Then again, there were several occasions where the belt never released, and had my body not been found, I would have been strangled to death.

After several accidents where I had to be revived, I was alleviated of any fear of death!  As a matter of fact, given the sexual reaction of my body to the strangulation, I started to feel that death, especially death by asphyxiation (strangulation) was actually very beautiful.  I still feel that way, which is why it's always been easy for me to put myself in a position where death, especially death by strangulation or hanging, should have been guaranteed.

With my apartment gallows, I use an 8-foot long silk scarf as a ligature.  I tie a noose in one end and snug it around my neck with the knot almost at the very back of my neck.  I stand on an 18-inch high stool with my back to a hall closet door.  I lay the scarf over the top of the door frame, then I close the door.  I then turn around and lean back against the door. This pushes the door closed tight against the door stop, trapping the scarf securely.  Then, I push the stool away and hang myself.  I usually am able to arrange it so that when I push the stool away, my feet are well above a foot above the floor.  Then, the noose slips tight around my neck and strangles me.  I passed out in less than 15-seconds.  As it usually happens, after I pass out, the scarf will slip and eventually release from the top of the door frame, depositing my body onto the floor.  So far, it has worked perfectly, well, except for slipping and releasing.  I did try it by facing the door with the knot of the noose under my chin, just to either side of my windpipe/throat, but all that I achieved was I hurt my neck, which wasn't at all bad as I would really love to have my neck break when I am hanged, and breaking my neck would be the ultimate sensation, but it took forever for me to lose consciousness, which sucked and put me at great risk of having my suicide attempt interfered with.  

I know if I tie another knot in the scarf so that it's just on the inside of the closet, and will stop it from slipping through the door frame so it would leave me dangling with my feet off the floor, and if nobody interferes, the scarf should strangle me to death within 30-minutes at the very most.  With luck, I hope it will be even quicker!

    

  Ashley J.