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A few years ago, I posted a video on YouTube about the “INFJ Doorslam.” To this day, it continues to be one of the most popular videos on my channel.
I believe I followed it up with another one at some point, but I honestly can’t remember.
I know I have referenced the infamous INFJ doorslam in a few different videos I did.
I made these videos because it’s a question I’ve always gotten from INFJs (and INFPs too).
Specifically:
What is a door slam?
And…
Is it okay to door slam?
Now, I will say, that I actually prefer to discuss doors closing, rather than slamming them.
First of all, because I don’t like loud, sudden, violent noises.
Second, because I think when we only focus on doors needing to be slammed in relationships, we miss a lot of the nuance that takes place when we choose to not have contact with someone anymore.
Nuance makes all the difference.
Let me be clear, though, if someone in your life is an abusive narcissist, and their agenda is to willfully manipulate and exploit you, then yes, that door needs to be slammed.
There is no talking it out with that kind of person, no hope for you being seen as a real person to them, no chance of them interacting with you in a loving and respectful way.
However, what I want to talk about today is not only the extreme end of the spectrum, which is where we find the toxic narcissists and the slamming.
Today I want to talk about making the decision to close a door, rather than slam it, and doing it for your own mental health.
In the past couple of years, I’ve talked to more than a few INFJs and INFPs who are dealing with elderly parents whom they never had a good relationship with, and who are now at the end of their life.
Some of these people could be diagnosed as narcissists, and some are more like severely emotionally immature.
After decades of not being seen, not being heard, being taken advantage of, criticized, mocked, dismissed, and ignored, the INFJs and INFPs I’ve talked to have had enough.
They’ve made the decision to close the door on the parental relationship—or extremely limit the parent’s access to themselves, so the door is open only the teeniest, most controlled crack—as the parent reaches the end of their life.
In these instances, the INFJ or INFP has made the most loving decision they possibly could for themselves.
They have made the decision to protect their own mental health.
Because anytime they had any interaction with the parent, they needed days, and sometimes weeks, of recovery time.
These parents—whether downright narcissistic or just severely emotionally immature—had made a habit of draining them completely whenever the INFJ or INFP showed up to help in any capacity.
One woman told me that a simple phone call with a certain family member was sure to be accompanied by gaslighting and could make her feel full of self-doubt and absolutely awful about herself for days.
Another person told me that in-person visits with their mother had the power to wreck their physical health. They might come away from a visit with a flare-up of a long-time skin condition, or digestive upset that lasted for days afterward.
In the class I just finished on empaths, I gave the class one little piece of advice at the end that has the power to shift the way we see everything:
Remove yourself from all people, situations and circumstances that make you feel inferior.
This is what narcissistic and emotionally immature friends and family members do. They make us feel inferior.
When you feel inferior, you mentally tear yourself down. You emotionally curl up into a ball and stay frozen. Your body physically reacts and gets tired or ill or both.
This is why closing the door on these kinds of relationships is so important.
However, most of society doesn’t see it that way.
We are given the message over and over that we need to stick it out with family and friends no matter what.
A woman in one of my classes mentioned to the group that she had ended relations with a friend and another friend angrily chastised her, saying, “People aren’t disposable, like garbage.”
Comments like these can cut INF people deeply.
So deeply that we second-guess our decisions and we question if we’re doing the right thing.
What that’s woman’s friend failed to see is that an INFJ or INFP does not make these kinds of decisions lightly.
We NEVER close a door on a relationship unless we believe we have given the other person the fairest chance possible
(usually many, many chances) and there is no hope of them shifting or changing in their behavior toward us.
We close the door on relationships not out of impulsive selfishness, or simple annoyance, or even long-term frustration.
We close the door on relationships because—after examining the person and relationship from EVERY angle—we understand that there is no other choice.
We can stay in the relationship and sacrifice our mental (and probably physical) health.
Or, we can leave, and give ourselves the chance of being a healthier human being.
The guilt that INFJs and INFPs feel about the decision to close the door on relationships is IMMENSE.
And what we struggle with even more, is that it’s very hard to find anyone with which to talk about that guilt.
Sometimes our therapist understands, or sometimes we have another good friend who does.
But often we are all alone with this decision.
And frequently, we also have to deal with blowback from other people in the group. Our siblings who know that mom is a nightmare to deal with but either aren’t as highly sensitive as we are, or don’t receive the full force of her malice. Or, our other friends in the friend group who know that the friend we’ve cut off is emotionally immature but don’t want to rock the boat of the social dynamic.
So, we stand alone.
And it’s very lonely, standing alone like that.
This is just one of the topics I’m going to be talking about in my new class, Mental Health for INFJs and INFPs, starting this Thursday, June 26.
If you have gotten to a point in your life where you have closed the door on old relationships that were harmful to your mental health, and you’d like to meet other INFJs and INFPs who are having a similar experience, this class is a great fit for you.
You can find all the details and register here:
MENTAL HEALTH FOR INFJS AND INFPS
If you’ve never taken one of my classes before, you should know that the people in my classes are AWESOME.
Every class I do, someone emails me and says, “Wow! The other people in the class were so kind and welcoming. I really felt at home and I hardly ever have that feeling anywhere.” Really. I get that kind of email all the time. So, if you’re moving out of old relationships and looking to gently experiment with new ones, you should really come join us.
Any other questions? Reply to this email.
Lauren
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