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Apologizing too much has always been a pattern with me.
I frequently apologize in situations where I don’t need to apologize, nothing is my fault, or it’s even absurd to apologize.
A few years ago, I was reading Stephen King’s Christine, and the main character was describing his mother and said that she would probably apologize and feel badly if she bumped into someone as she was walking to the electric chair.
I had to laugh, because that’s totally me.
I know it’s true for a lot of INFJs and INFPs.
Over-apologizing is something a lot of us do, we know we do it, and we’re working on it.
It’s not hard to understand the reasons why, either.
Obviously, it’s linked to playing small, not feeling safe enough to take up space, putting the needs of others ahead of our own all the time, etc.
But there’s more to this pattern that I didn’t see until recently.
Like so many people, I’ve been deeply examining my life over the past few years.
Who am I? What do I want out of life? What do I really want? What’s holding me back? How can I move forward?
All the big questions.
And this issue of apologizing came up again.
But this time, it came up in a different way.
I realized that not only do I apologize too much, but I have tended to attract relationships in my life where the other person doesn’t apologize at all. Like…never. Even when it would be appropriate. Even when it would repair something between us.
When I realized this, I was shocked.
The pattern was SO CLEAR.
I couldn’t believe I had never noticed it before.
I looked back on relationships I’d had with people for decades and I saw the same thing over and over and over again.
Whenever the other person had hurt feelings,
was upset, seemed to be in emotional distress, or I felt I had overstepped a boundary, pushed too far, said something thoughtless to them…
I apologized.
Without prompting. Without waiting long periods of time. Without strings attached.
But in situations where the other person had hurt my feelings, overstepped a boundary, or I had signaled emotional distress in some way during a conflict…
No apology came. Ever.
The contrast was sooooo stark.
Now, I’m not saying that everyone should be going around apologizing for everything all the time. Obviously, sometimes we need to hold our ground, and sometimes we may feel that we were not in the wrong and that apologizing would not be something beneficial, and in fact, might throw us out of integrity with ourselves.
I get all that. I agree with all that.
But to never apologize in a relationship? Not once?
This is a red flag.
And it’s a red flag that a lot of INFJs and INFPs don’t see.
As mentioned, I only recently noticed it. I went full decades of my life not seeing it at all.
What really tipped me off was my interactions with all the INFJs and INFPs on my email list and in my classes.
Because, you see, these INFJs and INFPs contact me to apologize all the time.
Some apologize for sending an email that they felt was worded in possibly the wrong way. Others apologize for posting a comment in the chat during a class that they felt could have been possibly taken the wrong way. Most apologize for contacting me at all, as they don’t want to be a nuisance or impose on me.
I see myself in all these apologetic people.
Because, really, none of these people need to apologize for anything at all.
And also—as down as I’ve been on myself in the past for apologizing too much—it is really lovely to be contact with people who are so thoughtful and kind that they seriously consider the feelings of others in response to their actions.
It also made me see how different that kind of interaction feels in contrast to all these past relationships I’ve had where the other person never, ever apologizes for anything.
For INFJs and INFPs, over-apologizing is a trauma response.
It’s a habit we got into when we were in situations where the other person was volatile and emotionally immature,
dysfunctional, and usually blaming everything around them (including us) for their problems.
This might have been a parent, or it might have been an ex-partner, or even a sibling.
Whoever it was, they used the same formula every time:
“You did this and it made me feel bad.”
Or:
“You did this and it made me feel bad so then I acted in this bad way.”
And, INFJs and INFPs being the internalizers and empaths that we are, we went right along with that theory.
We felt horrible that we were responsible for causing another person to have any kind of negative emotions.
So, we went right into apologizing.
Compulsively apologizing.
And then it happened again. And again.
It seemed this person in our lives was always going through an emotional crisis, or always in some kind of emotional distress, and if only the external things around them would change and somehow transform into what they wanted, then they might be happy.
As an INFJ or INFP in this situation, more often than not, we determined to be one of those things that would change for them. One of those things that would make them happier.
In the meantime, we would go back to what we knew. Apologizing for everything we were not.
This is a trauma pattern for empaths (which includes most INFJs and INFPs).
We not only over-apologize for everything, even sometimes for just existing, but we ALSO attract people into our lives who never apologize, and who may even expect
apologies from others when they experience any kind of negative emotions.
To put it another way, we tend to attract emotionally immature people.
Emotionally immature people don’t apologize.
Because, in their mind, why should they? The world is being mean to them.
It’s a very child-like state of mind, and it results in very childish behavior.
INFJs and INFPs with trauma tend to attract these types of people who exhibit a lot of childish behavior toward us,
and because it feels “normal” to us, we tend to put up with it and might stay in these relationships for years and years.
Always apologizing. Never feeling seen. Never feeling good enough.
Always feeling lonely, no matter how “connected” the other person thinks we are to them.
This is something I’m going to be talking about in my workshop coming up this weekend, Empaths and Trauma.
This workshop is from 2:00 – 4:00 pm ET on Saturday November 8, and it will be recorded.
All registrants get lifetime access to the recordings.
You can register here:
EMPATHS AND TRAUMA
Any other questions? Reply to this email.
Lauren
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