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Today’s question from an INF…
We hear a lot about how important it is to set boundaries for our own well-being. But as INFs we often don't have them due to our energy-awareness and empathy. I'm not sure I really know what boundaries are or how to set them. Please would you give concrete examples of what boundaries are and how to set them with people (those close to us and those not so close to us)?
Ah…the eternal question of boundaries.
I love this question, because I believe it’s at the core of all personal growth work for INF people.
I also just covered this in-depth in the last class I did on codependency.
First, let’s start with what most INF people believe a boundary is.
Most INF people believe that the definition of “boundary” is:
A rule you put in place to get someone else to alter their behavior.
This is not a boundary.
Although boundaries can be “rules,” the purpose of a boundary is not to get someone else to alter their behavior.
That doesn’t mean that you have no say in how you feel about someone else’s behavior.
Because you definitely do.
If you are in a relationship with someone else, you can be direct and honest with them about their behavior and how it affects you.
You can request that they change something.
You can communicate that you need something.
However, these are requests and needs, not boundaries.
The true definition of a boundary is:
The steps we take to protect ourselves in any situation, regardless of someone else’s behavior.
Boundaries are focused on YOU.
They are not focused on the other person.
Even if your feelings around boundaries are triggered because of someone else’s behavior, the focus is still on YOU.
The focus is on YOU protecting YOU.
Not you trying to get the other person to change.
This is where many INF people get mixed up about boundaries, usually because of dysfunctional family programming from our past.
When INF people try to work with boundaries, they often focus on these questions:
What can I do to get the other person to respect my limits?
Do I need to set an ultimatum so they will stop doing certain things?
Should I get louder? More aggressive? More rigid about my rules to get people to treat me better?
With these kinds of questions, we are now in dangerous territory.
Because we are trying to figure out ways we can alter our behavior, so that we can get someone else to alter their behavior.
Again, this is not what a boundary actually is.
The real questions we need to be asking are:
If this person doesn’t change AT ALL, what steps am I going to take to protect myself?
If this person doesn’t want to meet my needs or can’t meet my needs, what steps am I going to take to take care of myself?
If this person refuses my request, what steps am I going to take in my own best interest in this situation?
Sometimes when we ask these questions, we realize that we need to compromise.
Sometimes when we ask these questions, we realize that we need to leave.
It depends on the person and the relationship, as every situation is different.
But no matter what the situation is, when the focus is on YOU, everything becomes easier with boundaries.
Because all the pressure and expectation around the other person changing or not changing, listening or not listening, meeting your needs or not meeting your needs…all that is done.
Things become very simple with other people.
You express yourself honestly.
You communicate your preferences.
You ask for what you need.
People can meet you there, or not meet you there, that’s their decision.
Whatever the other person decides to do, you ALWAYS make yourself, your safety, and your needs the first priority.
Not in a narcissistic, selfish way where you don’t give a damn about anyone else.
But in the way that you’re committed to NOT sacrificing your physical or mental health because of someone else’s choices and behaviors.
THIS is a boundary.
I hope this was helpful to someone today, and thank you so much to the person who sent in this question!
Lauren
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