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Today’s question from an INF…
I'm an INFJ and I wanted to ask you a question about the tendency to stay quiet in situations in which we're expected to say something, and what to do about it.
I hoped that after years of psychotherapy I would finally become someone who knows what to say when society would expect me to say something. But…there are still many moments/situations in which I just don't say anything… because I don't know what to say.
To give you a specific example, this afternoon I had a work-related meeting…a manager greeted me in a specific area of her company's building and we had to [go to] where the meeting would take place. She told me several things on the way…I didn't know what else to say, although I intuitively felt she expected me to say more….I asked her several questions and asked her to clarify certain things [but] I could feel she thought I didn't grasp things as quickly as she would have expected me to, even though she stayed very polite…After that we still had 20 minutes left and I know that most people would have said something, anything, non-work related. But I couldn't think about anything; I had asked about the "work-related stuff" I
wanted to ask about and that was it. Now it seemed that my brain was observing the scene and sometimes, anticipating what may happen…She [then] left the office to talk with some of her colleagues and I heard her say something similar to "Oh my God!" and I felt she used it to judge my attitude in a negative way [and then] she came back with her team members. I felt like a little girl who's not sure if she should stay or leave.
I have plenty of other similar examples, even with my family. I'm there, but I just don't know what to say. I answer the questions, sometimes I ask questions myself, I make comments, but I have a very hard time to start a conversation…In situations in which I can talk about a topic I like I can become very passionate and enthusiastic even, or if the conversation is "deep", or if it's about a certain skill I master or if I'm promoting/selling something that I find useful and/or interesting.
[Because] I usually don't speak enough…many people assume I'm very cold and arrogant which, understandably enough, doesn't make them want to know me better, or work with me.
Ah yes, the “cold” and/or “arrogant” label. I’ve seen many INFJs struggle with this.
Okay, let’s start here:
Most INFJs fall into one of two types:
Type 1: Heavy on the extraverted feeling.
This INFJ can present as an extrovert, or sometimes as an ISFJ, or even an ENFJ. They’re warm, bubbly, friendly—if a bit on the quiet side—but overall good in conversation and very accommodating.
Type 2: Heavy on the introverted thinking.
This INFJ can present as an INTJ, or even an ISTP or INTP. They come off as aloof, detached, and sometimes cold.
What’s interesting is that BOTH types are very similar on the inside.
On the inside, all INFJs are primarily neutral observers.
So, no matter what we’re doing on the outside—laughing, smiling, listening, or lost in thought with our typical “sorrowful Madonna” resting face on—from the inside we are observing and connecting dots.
That’s heightened pattern recognition, and all INFJs have it, and all of us use it to process our reality.
Some of us just mask it better than others.
The INFJ who is leaning more heavily into their extraverted feeling also usually ends up more drained after social interactions. It’s not that we’re being “fake,” but we are masking to a certain degree.
Leaning into extraverted feeling means most of our energy in social situations goes into being very other-focused,
and so there is less energy for us to process information as it’s coming in.
I’m a Type 1, and after anything social, I feel like I need to go lie down in a dark room and recover.
The Type 2 INFJ, the one who presents as an introverted thinker, is actually doing less masking in social interactions.
However, because of the society we live in (especially in the United States) Type 2 INFJs are judged way more harshly
and even rejected by others for deviating so strongly from the social (aka extroverted) ideal of the culture.
Most people (again, especially in the United States) prefer others fit into the mold of the social/extrovert ideal because it makes them more comfortable.
We live in a very anxious society, with many people focused narrowly on self-serving goals and skimming along the surface of life, trying to control as much as they can, and get as much as they can for themselves out of interactions with others.
I say this with no judgment. It’s just a fact of reality from what I’ve seen in the US. This isn’t ALL people, but it IS many people. And it doesn’t mean these people are bad people. It’s just that they’re at a certain level of emotional development.
With these kinds of people, when someone around them is not rushing to fill in the gaps of conversation, sticking to the expected script, feeding them the lines of dialogue they already know how to respond to, they tend to become very nervous.
It feels destabilizing to them, because they don’t know how to honestly and spontaneously respond to another person in the moment without the ping-pong-ball, back-and-forth social script.
So, the problem is NOT with the Type 2 INFJ.
The problem—if you are a Type 2 INFJ—is almost always that you tend to make other people anxious because you’re deviating from an invisible social agreement.
And many other people are counting on this agreement to be there so that they don’t have to be uncomfortable, vulnerable, spontaneous, or honest in interactions.
But that is not your problem.
That is their problem.
My—admittedly biased—advice is to keep on being your very quiet, taciturn, Type 2 INFJ self.
Personally, I love this type of person, whether they’re INFJ, or actually for real an INTJ or ISTP or INTP.
Quiet thinkers who say hardly anything are the best.
When you get to know them, you realize that they don’t say much because they’re thinking deeply about everything.
When they finally do say something, it’s always solid gold.
Really good friends to have. If you find one of these people, hold on tight.
If you are one of these people, keep being yourself.
Because some of us out there DO appreciate you.
I hope this was helpful to someone today, and thank you so much to the person who sent in this question!
Lauren
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