|
I sent a newsletter a couple days ago about “thin boundaries” in INF people and I got a lot of questions back.
Some of these questions wonderfully encapsulated the confusion we INFs so frequently experience with boundaries.
Like this one:
I understand how my high sensitivity is linked to the ‘thin boundaries’ you talk about, but why does this make it so hard for me to say no to people? And to protect myself in toxic situations too? That feels like it’s linked more to childhood stuff…
This person went right to the heart of the boundary issue for INF people.
Yes, we have thin boundaries. We’re born with thin boundaries, it’s a natural orientation, it’s directly linked to our high sensitivity, and it’s something that can’t be changed.
AND…
We also tend to have huge problems saying no to people and protecting ourselves, and dodging narcissists and other toxic people, which can often be traced to past experiences and trauma.
Here’s what’s going on:
Everyone who grows up with trauma ends up with some kind of damaged boundaries.
When you grow up in a household that is codependent, narcissistic, abusive, and/or overly controlling, you come out of it with one of four types of boundary systems in place for yourself:
No boundaries.
Damaged/partial boundaries.
Walls as boundaries.
No boundaries sliding to walls as boundaries, and then sliding back again.
Everyone—no matter what type of person they are—will end up with one of these four dysfunctional boundary systems in place if they grew up with consistent trauma.
However, this kind of family trauma tends to have a deeper and different kind of impact on INF people.
Because our boundaries were already thin from the start.
Many people, when exposed to consistent trauma, will thicken up their boundaries (using the walls as boundaries system).
These are closed-off, emotionally unavailable, thick-skin sort of people.
There are a lot of these kinds of people out there, and you probably know one yourself.
Sometimes they turn out to be narcissists, and sometimes they are essentially good-hearted, but still closed off.
INFs go in the opposite direction.
When exposed to trauma our thin boundaries become even thinner.
This is because, as children, we used all the abilities that come with our high sensitivity—intuition, attunement, pattern recognition—as survival skills to get through the trauma.
So, in a healthy situation, we would be highly-attuned to people. In trauma situations, we become hyper-attuned.
In a healthy situation, we would have heightened pattern recognition. In trauma situations, we become fixated on patterns.
In a healthy situation, we would observe and acknowledge what’s happening emotionally with another person. In trauma situations, we feel it in our own bodies and take on the other person’s emotions as if they are our own.
After we do things the same way in so many situations, we start carrying forward these habits as personal energy patterns.
And that’s how a lot of INF people end up with thin boundaries, that have become damaged boundaries or no boundaries, and then have extreme problems with saying no and self-protection.
INF people with no boundaries/damaged boundaries:
Feel guilty when saying no.
Are unsure of what we are allowed to ask of other people.
Feel panicky when we set boundaries.
Obsess about other people’s reactions when we do set boundaries.
Compulsively smooth over tension with other people when it arises.
Feel a lot of pressure to drop everything when someone asks for our help.
Ruminate a lot about if we did or said the wrong thing with others.
This is what we’ll be working with in the workshop I’m teaching this Sunday (April 12) on healing and strengthening energetic boundaries.
You can find the details and register here:
HEALING AND STRENGTHENING ENERGETIC BOUNDARIES
This workshop will be recorded and all registrants will receive a link to the recording 24 to 48 hours after the event.
Any other questions, reply to this email.
Lauren
P.S.
The last day to register for this workshop is tomorrow, April 11.
Make sure you register today or tomorrow if you don’t want to miss it!
|
