all sorts of wrong

[Corey Kilpack]

today is my parents wedding anniversary. 34 years. 

and today i heard that one of my friends from high school is dead. may be an overdose. may be suicide. 

when i was in australia he took my girlfriend to the senior prom. he probably fucked her. he is dead. 

god we are too old. 

then i saw this pic on facebook and i laughed my motherfucking ass off. this shit is funny. 

[Blain]

Funny picture. I don't get what "twerk" means -- is that just me being out of the loop? How does it make you feel on your parents' anniversary date?  As for having friends your age passing away, I totally get that. 

--
_____________________________________
Blain Crandell

47 Manning Street

Rawene 0440

New Zealand

+64 027 770 0040

[Mark Stubbs]

I'm finding some sense of relief this go around, which has been nice.  I've been praying a power higher than myself calling it Dude mostly.  I got a meditating Bhudda statue, to help think about a person (regardless of what stories) that found some enlightenment.  It also helps me focus while meditating.  I know it sounds really gay and new agey.  I like to think it's old and classic though.  The meditation has been fantastic though.  I know I'll get recurring alcoholic urges, but I've had no obsession with alcohol for a week and a half.  I had another appointment with my counselor, who I really like at this point anyway.  I tapped into some anger about not being able to see my kids as much as I would like and was able to accept and analyze it.

I talked to Dave last night, he's expecting strippers galore at his bachelor party on April 20th.  Can you get out here Corey?

[Corey Kilpack]

Ill look. 

Good job on the meditation, mark. 

[David Kelly]

Good job Mark. 

Sent from my iPhone

[Mark Stubbs]

It is what it is.  Just seeing what you all are up to as well.  I think Dave and I are going to get some late lunch tomorrow. 

[Corey Kilpack]

each day is getting easier for me. i am actually becoming very excited about doing this for ten years. i have been on a few dates this week, and it is easy to just say i do not drink. i went out last night with a chick that i know, if i had been drinking, we would have been shithoused and drunk and fucking til four in the morning and i would just now be leaving her house to get coffee. instead, she drank, i ordered bbq ribs and homemade mac and cheese, ate, and brought the leftovers home and dont have any regrets. 

i also went to a church alone last nite. years ago i took my boys to the noe valley church and they saw rambling jack elliot. my kids went backstage with him and he signed their guitar. 

the same group that hosted jack elliot has moved to another church, and last night they had a band there playing didjaridoos and shit like that. i had to go. i went alone. friday night at a fucking church. i am not sure how it is in the suburbs, or at the unitarian churches you guys have tried. but, this was a classic, urban, sf, christian church. 

walk in, and upstairs is the chapel, downstairs is the multi-purpose room with the chairs, and a long bench, against the wall. lots of posters for events. some weekly, and some for the season. a coffee pot is on a counter next to a sink. it has the whole basement church vibe of AA meetings in SF. i have only been to them in SF, but it made me start to cringe a bit, and i had to regroup. i am glad i was alone. jesus it was unsettling. i could almost imagine someone offering me popcorn and coffee, and then handing me a book to read a paragraph out loud. 

i have to tell you mark, my hat is off to you. if i was at a point where i needed sponsors, daily contact, meditation or any 12 step religious tied system, i would go so fucking mayan elephant on the fucking joint it would scare me and everyone else. i am almost certain it would make me worse, given my current tolerance for constructs around religion or faith right now. that may change at some point, but right now, it would kill me. 

i guess i am still rather juvenile about spirituality and faith. or maybe i have gone so far down the mckenna path that i just cannot rebridge something like a 12 step program and my own fuckyouiamcowboy phases i have also walked through and left behind. 

[Mark Stubbs]

I can relate Corey.  I take what I need from the group and leave the religious bullshit.  I do like looking at my life with the sponsor I have.  I would not do that with any Tom, Dick, or Harry that said he could sponsor someone.  I think of it as a process of purging the bullshit out of my life.  I would not like going to a group that met in a church basement and try to stay away from churches as a rule (unless there is some cool old school church that has aesthetic value).  It's really not religious, but maybe somewhat spiritual.  I have had to retrain myself to say something called "a prayer."  I think of it more like, talking in my mind (even if it was to the laws of science) and then shutting the fuck up and listening to my thoughts.  I'm not sure if that makes sense.  I'm able to think more clearly, i know that.  If someone at the group asks me if I'm going to church, I would be tempted to say something snarky like, "I belong to the Church of the Latter Day Dude."  http://dudeism.com/  However, most that go to the group I go to, are not religious.

Cool picture, I dig it.

[Blain]

I think I would enjoy the fucking until four in the morning part. But if it were something I'd regret then perhaps not. Do people just spend a lot more time fucking in SF? 

I've got a major aversion to organized religion of most any sort, Mark. The buddha thing, though, I could handle. I'm of the opinion that one's Higher Power actually lies in the people around us and in ourselves.  The power of AA comes from the group, which then brings out the power you've got in yourself.  However it works, it's great when it works.  It's pretty fucking awesome to hear how you two -- Corey and Mark -- are feeling better about yourselves and your lives. 

I still feel ambivalent about alcohol consumption for myself.  I think I drink more than is healthy, but I'm not getting myself into any trouble or hurting relationships.  I've got to keep figuring where I want to stand.  My wife has brought up the expense of the booze -- things are pretty fucking tight financially as we save up for moving the family back across the ocean -- and that could be a source of contention if I don't slow down or stop. 

[Mark Stubbs]

You are right that there is a lot of protestant christian jargon in the big book Corey.  It does bug me and it bugs the shit out of me that meetings close with the Lords Prayer.  If you strip that away there are ideas and solutions, that I can work with.