Bukowski

[Corey Kilpack]

fucking hell. i have been reading a ton of his shit this week. read Women until 3 am this morning. 

he is the original alcoholic writer. 

this fucker just drinks and fucks. fucks and drinks. he would rather drink than fuck, but drinking/fucking works really great. fights too. 

mark, what is the drug you mentioned and why do you like it? 

i am digging what i am reading about antabuse. i dont dig being sick, and i dont need much motivation to stay off the sauce. i am also an all fucking in, or all fucking out kind of personality. i dont suffer the fence and whining very much. if antabuse gives me just enough reason to stay the fuck off the stuff, and my goal will be to really stay the fuck off, seems like a reasonable combo for me. 

i think what feels much better this time, and talking about it in a smaller group, is that i will admit that at times i have been depressed about my drinking, when i am most rational, i would get very depressed about the fucking disease and switches and whatever it is in this fucked up body that doesnt react like a normal person to booze. why cant i just have 2 and feel it enough to roll for the night? that aint just my choice, that is me being just fucked at birth. in the most rational times, i can get depressed and down about it. strange. 

 

[Mark Stubbs]

No idea why 2 won't do.  It just makes me tired and want to sleep.  Just got done with a meeting, funny crusty old Texan with a drawl was taking about his interactions with his ex wife and sponsor.

[Blain]

Here's my deal with the booze. I tend to keep drinking once I've started, but only up to a point. And one thing that worries me is becoming someone who keeps going past that point.  I do get buzzy, sometimes after only one drink. If I've got something that I have to attend to -- being on call, needing to drive home, whatever -- then it's no problem moderating. The other aspect of it is that I tend to drink almost every night.  When I think that I'm going to skip a night, I don't, unless the house is booze-free.  If there's not enough booze in the house to put me to sleep, I start feeling anxious about things.  That worries me the most, the fact that I get anxiety about having enough booze in the house.  When I don't drink at all, though, I'm just fine. I feel fine. And I get hung over only infrequently (once a month or less).  I'm trying to keep the house booze-free at this point, but as of today there's probably enough to keep me going for a week -- we had a dinner party this week where people brought bottles of wine, and I've got most of a bottle of Beefeater in the cupboard.

--
_____________________________________
Blain Crandell

47 Manning Street

Rawene 0440

New Zealand

+64 027 770 0040

[Corey Kilpack]

Thanks blain. More later. It's Friday night here. 

[Mark Stubbs]

Baclofen, it's the one that Blaine linked an article from The Guardian.

On Feb 23, 2013 12:23 PM, "Corey Kilpack" <oilb...@gmail.com> wrote:

[Mark Stubbs]

Did you catch the "Djesus Uncrossed," trailer?  I thought it was hilarious, but some didn't find it as funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzG5ieU8kCw

[Mark Stubbs]

The "H" is silent.

[Corey Kilpack]

that is awesome. 

[Mark Stubbs]

What are you reading by Bukowski?

[Corey Kilpack]

women, right now. i keep a book of his poems by my bed. 

[Mark Stubbs]

I see, I misunderstood that to read, not a Bukowski book, but with a woman until 3. 

[Corey Kilpack]

a bukowski book called 'women"

[Mark Stubbs]

Right  I figured it out after you told me and wiki'd him. 

[Blain]

I thought the title was "Women at 3 AM", which I have to say I like even better.

[Corey Kilpack]

I went to therapy and asked for Antabuse. 

Ill see the doc in a week. I'm going to fucking do this. 

Ill work on some plans to set up before I do it. 

Blain, what is our time difference? I may put you on my late night contact schedule. Are you 20 hours ahead? 

I'm doing this. I had a lot of this in motion before, but blain telling us about those drugs was the tip I needed. 

Mark, do you have a goal? Is your goal this time to go sober for life? 

[Blain]

21 hours ahead at the moment. Or 3 hours behind but on the next day. Daylight savings time changes screw it all up, but meh. I'm happy to be on your contact schedule.  

Mark, what's your update?

[Mark Stubbs]

sorry driving to a meeting. I'll write tonight

[Corey Kilpack]

Talked to mark yesterday. Seemed well. 

[Mark Stubbs]

I've met some guys at the meeting I'm going to that I can relate to a little better than the group I was going to early last year. I got a sponsor last night.  He's an unemployment lawyer from Austin, good guy.  I wanted to make sure I had a sponsor before I went on the business trip I'm taking next Mon-Wed.  I think this will be good now.

I've been playing phone tag with the counselor I'm trying to get an appointment.  She specializes in addiction and depression, so I want to start there.

[Mark Stubbs]

I've been thinking about spirituality vs. God and Mormonism.  What I mean is, what am I willing to accept.  I know that is a tough subject, it sure is for me.  We read from the Big Book tonight, from chapter 4, "To the Agnostic."

[Blain]

Good news. Thanks for the update!

[Blain]

I think it can be helpful to think of one's "better self" as being your Higher Power -- then it can all dovetail nicely with Buddhist ideas.

[Mark Stubbs]

Blain, If you're 21 hours off from Corey Pacific, are you 23 (almost a day) off from Central?  One other thing I want to do in the next 2 weeks is see my doctor.  I'm not sure I want to see the same doctor as my son though.  I'm trying to weigh that out and get some sobriety under my belt.  Right now, I rely on benadryl to get to sleep and stay asleep.  I really think I'd be better of with Trazodone.

Dave, what the fuck is up with your new job?  

[Blain]

No, 19 hours ahead of Central -- it goes the other way. Or (as I like to think of it) 5 hours behind Central only on the next day.  So it's 10 PM Tuesday in TX right now, and 5 PM Wednesday in NZ.

Trazodone is a better choice than Benadryl for most people, I think. It has fewer side effects than Benadryl, although it has one particular side effect of its own that we have to watch out for -- PRIAPISM.  Luckily, it's quite rare. But if you ever get a boner that won't go away you should go to the emergency room.

[Mark Stubbs]

Got it, thanks. 

[Mark Stubbs]

I related to the observations the alcoholic doctor who wrote the piece for, "The Guardian," said about restlessness.  It's hard at night to go to sleep, and then many nights I'll keep waking up.  When it's time to actually get up, sometimes I'm exhausted because I've been waking up and worrying all night.  It is better without alcohol though, because I don't wake up hungover, tired, and unable to sleep.  Just tired sometimes, and then the next night is usually better because I'm extra tired. 

The point is that I slept well with Trazodone, woke up refreshed and I think the fact that it was a mild anti-depressant helped too.  So, I need to go back to a doctor and describe my situation.  I want to start counseling first though.

[Blain]

If the trazodone isn't working out, maybe your doctor would be willing to let you try the baclofen. It isn't habit-forming, and it isn't a controlled substance.  But I would put a lot of weight on the fact that you had a good experience with the trazodone.

[Corey Kilpack]

I like reading about these drugs and the options they provide. 

I need something different from what mark describes. My habits are probably similar to mark, but my motivations are not at all the same.  I don't care so much about rest or the lack of rest. I became very conditioned to operate on little sleep during my mission.  My president slept 4 hours a night without any compromise. He was on all he time. Then during and after college I was in investment banking where 100 hour weeks were standard. Sleep is not an issue for me at all. 

My strengths are where I have my back up against a wall, deadline, threat or something where there is no place for procrastination. I actually prefer those positions. The Antabuse  would be that wall for me. 

[David Kelly]

Mark, I explained why I was leaving Syndiant before Blain joined our group.  It's for a number of reasons, but the main ones are that my stock options became worthless after the latest investment round, and the company was becoming less American and more Taiwanese. 

Started the new job on Monday.  I'm working on infrared laser modules.  The first project I've been assigned to is pretty damn cool.. it's related to the gesture recognition technology found in the Microsoft Kinect.  I think I made the right move.  

Sent from my iPhone