Professors With Brooms By J.R. Nyquist 11.06.01

[kabud]

Professors With Brooms
By J.R. Nyquist 11.06.01
http://web.archive.org/web/20011211120940/http://www.sierratimes.com/archive/files/nov/06/nyquist.htm
How would you like to improve education and clean up the country at
the same time? Well, I am not a big fan of federal programs but here
is one that deserves public support. It is called "Professors With
Brooms."

How does it work?

First, the U.S. government gives all the country's professors brooms
with which to begin sweeping. Tenured feminists and wiccans, if they
like, could even ride on their brooms, as they sometimes want to do
(with full FAA approval, of course).

Aside from the air travel advantages, professors should also receive
preferential treatment when janitorial positions open up. To encourage
them in this new career path, educators should be given huge salaries
for cleaning the nation's offices, factories and stores; and the
government should spare no expense to get these people doing what God
probably intended them to do in the first place.

Consider the many advantages to this plan.

Why should the country worry about sweeping out dead wood? Why not
have dead wood take to sweeping on its own account? Many a literature
professor, lost in the swamp of modern discourse, might discover
genuine clarity in a mop bucket. Political science professors and
sociologists, yearning to meld with the working class, would at last
be able prove their proletarian bonifides.

Math professors could finally show the usefulness of their skill,
calculating the ratio of bleach to water. Wouldn't it be amusing to
hear a computer science instructor excuse himself from work because he
"doesn't do windows"?

Or how about a professor of clinical psychology who specializes in
toilets? Think of it! If toilet training is thought to be decisive in
early psychological development, what about toilet-cleaning for those
far gone along the path of mental and emotional decay?

Some will oppose the "Professors With Brooms" program, to be sure. Who
will teach the nation's undergraduates while the professors enjoy the
Yoga of mop and broom? Well, even today most classes are taught (in
reality) by graduate students who do most of the tutoring, who lead
the discussion sections and grade the papers. Besides, we shouldn't
worry about the educational system collapsing on account of the
professors going off to scrub and clean. After all, the system has
already collapsed! Every honest observer knows that college has become
something of a scandal and university degrees are less meaningful than
ever. Come to think of it, maybe we could find a way to use
credentials and credentialing paperwork in various cleaning jobs.
Perhaps we could fashion rolls of "credential towels," or construct
feather dusters out of Bachelor of Arts degrees.

Fluff always works well against dust.

In the battle against mold and mildew we should also consider the
advantages of history professors. After all, it takes one to know one
and in the cleaning business it is best to "fight fire with fire" (so
to speak).

For those professors in need of a mop-head, one can always refer them
to one or another of the country's politicians. These have always
served well, soaked as they are in soapy water, squeezed to a fine
dampness for the absorption of dirt, scandal and grease. Historians
will attest that a well-mounted politician can get a shine out of any
floor, and they are serviceable for white-washing.

Cleaning is such a wide-open field, with greater possibilities than
higher education. Certianly there are more openings and opportunities.
In Ecclesiastes it says: "For in much wisdom is much grief; and he
that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." But if f we adopt
"Professors With Brooms" as an official U.S. government program, we
will be showing thousands of miserable lecturers the path to
happiness. For truly it can be said that cleanliness is next to
Godliness, and he that decreases dirt also decreases disease. And no
disease is more in need of a pill than America's university
professor's themselves.

Write your Congressman today. Ask him to initiate a bill called
"Professors With Brooms."