December 29th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 29, 2010, 1:03:20 AM12/29/10
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Wednesday, Dec 29, 2010 |
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Alaska Tim and Nancy lived in Anchorage, Alaska. Their house was literally right downtown, but they had no indoor plumbing. They did, however, have an outhouse. The older Tim got, though, the further away it seemed to get. One night, he decided to just skip the trip. Instead, he decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch. Nancy was pretty pissed about his decision. "Tim, you moron. Our neighbors can see you when you do that, you know." "It's dark out," said Tim, "they can't see me." "Of course they can," explained Nancy, "you're silhouetted against the porch light and they can tell what you're doing." He'd not given it THAT much thought, so he promised his wife he'd not do it again. Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold. Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a racehorse. He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the bedroom to do his business. He was back in two shakes (so to speak). His wife, suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone very long." "That's right." "You went off the porch again, didn't you?" "Yes, I did." "We had a talk about this, remember? The neighbors can see you. They'll know it was you and what you were doing out there. Aren't you the least bit embarrassed?" "Nah, they won't know it's me! This time I squatted down!" Our son and his wife took their two children to the store to see Santa Claus. However, when it was time for three-year-old, Maude to go up and talk to Santa, she became shy and wouldn't go. Several times, Santa asked her to come to him, but she refused. Finally, he asked, "Would you like a present?" "Yes" Maude replied. "Can you come get it?" Santa asked. Maude thought about this for a moment, then said, "Can you throw it?" Three people were trying to get into heaven. St. Peter asked the first, "Who's there?" "It's me, Albert Jones," the voice replied. St. Peter let him in. St. Peter asked the second one the second same question, "Who's there?" "It's me, Charlie Jones." And St. Peter let him in. He finally asked the third one, "Who's there?" It is I, Verla Chapman," answered the third. "Oh, great," muttered St. Peter. "Another one of those English teachers." Super models Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer, and Rachel Hunter are flying to a super model's conference in Paris, when suddenly the Captain of the plane announces: "We have just lost all power to the engines - please prepare yourself for a crash landing!" The three models look at each other in shock and start preparing for the worst. Claudia quickly pulls out some lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face up. Bewildered, Naomi and Rachel ask: "What in the hell are you doing Claudia, fixing up your make-up - we're about to crash!" "Well I know for a fact that the rescue workers will search for, and save first, the people who have the best looking faces - that's why I am putting on my make-up." Immediately Rachel Hunter rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout: "Rachel have you lost your senses?? Why are you baring you breasts for everyone to see - we are about to die!" Rachel responds: "I have it on good authority that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save first the women with big beautiful breasts- that's why I am exposing my tits!" Not hesitating for a moment, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties. Freaking out, Claudia and Rachel yell: "Naomi - Are your crazy?? Why are you exposing your pussy for everyone to see??" Calmly, Naomi responds: "BITCHES PLEASE! I know for a fact that the first thing the rescue workers always look for in plane crashes is the black box!!" Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Richie Royal was having a particularly good year. After working 20 long years as a vice-president for the the family silk business, he had become President and Chairman of the Board. His grandfather had died earlier that year. One morning, his secretary brought in some checks for him to sign. "This one," she explained, "is for your $100,000 initiation fee into the Hoover Dinner and Golf Club." "Oh, that's wonderful. I should get a nice tax break on that," sighed the wealthy executive. "This one is for the house you're buying out on Long Island. It's for $1,250,000." "Good deal. They have such good schools in that community." "And this one for $2,000,000 is for that new office we're opening in Paris." "Hey, I worked hard planning for that expansion," commented the rich Republican. "And now," said the secretary. "I'd like to ask you for a raise. I've been with you for more than two years now. Would $25 a week be all right?" "Twenty-five dollars!" shouted the company president. "What do you think I am, a millionaire?" Three kingdoms were in dispute over claims to an island in the middle of lake on which they all bordered. Finally, after exhausting all diplomatic options, the rulers of the three kingdoms decided to send their best knights to the island for a great battle, and the winning kingdom would have claim to the island forever. On the night before the battle, the three knights rowed out to the island, each with a retinue of their best squires. Two of the groups of squires promptly got down to the business of polishing armor, sharpening weapons and just generally making sure their respective knights were ready to face the others in the morning. Meanwhile, the third squire tied a rope around the handle of a large kettle, hoisted it off the ground by a tree branch, and began cooking dinner, leaving his knight to tend to his own armor and weapons. The battle, which began promptly at sunrise, was spectacular. Three knights in gleaming armor clashed with razor-sharp weapons. On and on it raged, until all three knights were dead. Since the conflict had not been resolved, the squires then engaged in a battle of their own, until the only squire left standing was the one who had hoisted up the kettle to cook dinner the night before. The moral: "The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires on the other two sides!" John was tasked with taking the Christmas decorations up to the attic for another year's storage. During one trek up the stairs, heavily laden with boxes, he slipped and luckily only fell about two steps before landing square on his behind. His wife heard the noise and yelled, "What was that thump?" "I just fell down the stairs," he explained. She rushed into the room, "Anything broken?!" "No, no, I'm fine." There was just a slight pause before his loving wife said, "No, I meant my decorations? Are any of them broken?" According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl. We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. The boys were whooping it up in the Star o'the West Saloon when a cowpoke comes in though the swinging doors. "Hey, everbody," he yells, "Y'all better c lear out! I hear Big John's commin!" The piano player stopped in mid-phrase and a collective gasp went throught he room. "Big John commin' here? Jezuz! Better skedaddle!" In less than a minute, the barroom was empty. The news spread up and down the street like wildfire: "Big John's Coming!" Merchants pulled in their stock, locked their doors, closed their shutters. The people of the town fled to the safety of their homes. In no time, the main streets of town were quiet and deserted. A huge, mean-looking outlaw came riding in out of the desert on a brahma bull. He was seven foot tall if he was an inch; his legs were like tree stumps and his hands were like five-pound hams. He tied his mount up in front of the saloon and stomped in and up to the bar. "Barkeep!" he shouted, pounding his huge fist on the bar hard enough to make the bottles dance. The bartender came out from the back room. "Y-y-yessir?" he stammered. "Gimme four fingers of Ol' Redeye," the big man demanded. "Yessir, right away, Sir." the bartender said as, with trembling hand, he poured the rotgut whiskey into a tumbler. The big man knocked back the liquor in a second, then grabbed the bottle and, tipping his head back, drained it in several large gulps. Then he wiped his hand with the back of his sleeve. "Mmmm," he said, "that was okay." "It's on the house, sir!" the bartender said. "Thanks, barkeep," said the outlaw. "And now I think I better get outta here. I hear Big John's commin'!" Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age. "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said. "I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year." "You have to do it every year," she was told. "Why?" came the response? "Do you think I'm going to get younger?" A woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual needs. "Tell your side of the story," the judge said to the husband. "When we just married," the husband said, "my wife said, 'Let's us save money for furniture.' I agreed, so I ate only soup until we had money for furniture. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a TV set..' I agreed, so I ate only tea, until we bought the TV set. Then she said, 'Let's save money for a car. She switched me to water...." "It's interesting," the judge said, "But you better tell us about your performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy....." "Citizens, Judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I'll satisfy all of you."
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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