December 28th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 28, 2010, 1:03:30 AM12/28/10
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Tuesday, Dec 28, 2010 |
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Prostitute Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by. Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?' Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself, Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?' Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em dry.' The policeman fainted. Cruise Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported. Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew. Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said. Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked. "She came on board with her husband and never left his side." A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. Again, the man reaches into his pockets and pulls out the tiny rat and the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and again proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist." A hillbilly is looking around a big hardware store when he sees a display of chain saws with a sign guaranteeing that this model of chain saw can cut twenty cords of firewood in a day. He motions to a salesman. 'Can I help you, sir?' 'This here chainsaw, kin it rully cut twenny cords o'wood in a day?' 'Yes, sir, that's the guarantee. Twenty cords of wood or you get your money back.' 'Yer joshin' me. Twenny cords o'farrwood? Ah don't blieve it!' 'No, sir, it's true! Guaranteed.' 'Wull, Ah'll trah one but ah still don't blieve it!' He buys the saw. He returns not the next day but the day after that. He seeks out the same salesman and confronts him with the slightly-used saw. ' You lahr!' he says, 'You lah laka dawg! You sayed this here chainsawr'd cut twenny cords o'wood in a day! I got up yestiddy at the crack o'dawn 'n'I cut 'n' cut 'n' cut all day! I didn't stop till it wuz dork! 'N'I couldn't cut moren' six cords o'farrwood t'save mah lahf! Now whattya say about that?' The salesman looked perplexed. 'Gee,' he said, 'maybe you got a bad one. Let's try it.' He takes the saw, pumps the primer a few times, and pulls the cord to start it up. The hillbilly's eyes get wide with surprise. 'Gawd a-mighty!' he shouts, 'What's that racket?' Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page. "Chapter 1 The First Date." So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while. When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She answers, "Hello?" He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?" She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further. He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!" "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!" Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey.""No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp." There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying:"The Hooker With Three Breasts..." The man gets just a little interested and thinks, "Well... that could be a once in a lifetime experience."He goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts," he says. "Are you sure you can afford that?It'll cost you a thousand dollars," the pimp replies.But, the man is too excited, pulls his wallet out and pays him the money.He's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room...there she is.The room is dark, but as he comes closer he sees it, three breasts!And so the man absolutely has the night of his life. The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse, and he's thinking of the night before and the time he had.He goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars.Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house.And as the day before, she lies there waiting. But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong."Hey!You had three breasts yesterday," he tells her. She smiles and asks, "What did you expect honey?You can only suck out a boil like that once!" A German, looking for directions in Paris, pulls up to a bus stop where two Americans are waiting. "Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him. "Parlez-vous français?" he says. The two continue to stare, so the German tries again "Parlate italiano?" No response. "¿Hablan ustedes español?" Still nothing. Frustrated, the German guy drives off. The first American says, "You know, we should learn a foreign language." "Why?" asks the other. "He knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good." Deer A guy hit a deer in the mountains of eastern Tennessee and thought he killed it. Thinking that it would be good eating, he put the deer in the back seat of his car. The deer was only stunned, however, and when it woke up it started to kick the driver tried to bite him. He pulled over, with the deer still stuck in his car. As he was walking to a nearby phone booth to call for help, a dog started to chase him and trapped him in the phone booth! He had to call the police and explain his troubles. My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, "you gave me too much money." I said, "Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back." She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said, "We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing." The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's. Annual medical examinations An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinations on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" "In fact, I do", said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. But then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." "This is very interesting", replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that old coot!" she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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