December 27th Stolen Jokes
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jo...@stolen-jokes.com
Dec 27, 2010, 1:04:24 AM12/27/10
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Monday, Dec 27, 2010 |
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Drinking Two men are sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building drinking, when the first man turns to the other one and says: "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the wind around the building is so intense that it carries you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar, but says nothing. The second guy says, "What? Are you insane? There's no way in heck that could happen!" "No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets toward the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who is astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must've been a one-time fluke. That was scientifically impossible!" "No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps. Again, just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. He takes the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges his dubious fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what the heck," the second guy says, "I've seen that it works, so I'll try it!" He immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors ...his body hits the sidewalk with a loud "splat." Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son. They swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!" A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?' There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then, one old cowboy (BillyBob) tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you. The Pope was on a state visit to the US. As is the custom in his country when going to dinner at someone's home, he requested that he be allowed to personally prepare one of the dishes to be served at the official state dinner to be held in his honor that evening. Of course, he was allowed to do this, and he used the White House's kitchen facilities to prepare the well know Polish delicacy known as "pierogi", a potato and cheese filled dumpling. That evening after the Pope and the Presidential party enjoyed a fine meal, the President rose to give the traditional toast in honor of the Pope. As the President reached the end of his toast, he didn't want to miss the opportunity to compliment the Pope on his culinary skills. "Your Holiness," the President continued, "we are so honored to have you with us this evening. We have most especially enjoyed the pierogi that you prepared for us and want to thank for sharing this delicacy with us. I must know; where did you learn to prepare pierogi so well?" As is customary, the Pope rose to return the President's toast. After the necessary diplomatic pleasantries, the Pope turned to the subject of the meal. "And finally Mr. President, thank you for your compliments about my pierogi. Where did I learn to prepare them so well? Well it is simple. As Pope, it shouldn't be so surprising that as a young boy, I went to pierogial school." (By Gary Scilla) Stan Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php One misty Scottish morn a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a huge red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is about six foot seven and built like a tank. He has a huge red beard and despite the gale force wind and freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt and his tweed shirt. At the roadside there also stands a young women. She is absolutely beautiful, slim, shapely, fair complexion ... heart stopping. The car driver's attention is dragged from the girl when the highlander opens his car door and drags him from the seat onto the road. "Right, you" he shouts, "I want you to masturbate" "but ... " stammers the driver "Now ... or I'll bloody kill you" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this only takes a few seconds. "Right" shouts the highlander "Do it again!" "but ... " says the driver. "Now!! ... " he bellows. So the driver does it again. "Right, do it again" demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The driver has cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, and despite the mist and wind, has collapsed in a sweating jibbering heap on the ground, unable to walk. "Do it again" says the highlander. "I just can't do it any more - you'll just have to kill me," whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic heap slumped on the roadside. "All right," he says, "can you give my daughter a lift to Inverness?" After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper started to lecture him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says, "Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's behind?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though." Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai Warrior. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a skillful feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and *Swish!* *Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered! "Ah-h-h, that is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing a fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room and the fly let out a high pitched sound. But the fly was still alive and buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Now, circumcision .....THAT takes skill!" Medical student A medical student just finished her last semester and was heading out to apply to a hospital. The director of the hospital thought the woman was very bright and had a lot of potential. But the doctor wanted to ask her a few questions just to quiz her. "Well." said the doctor, "you seem very qualified. But a few questions before we make anything definite, ok?" "Of course," said the woman"Ok, what do we call the operation of removing your tonsils?" asked the director "That's easy," the woman said, "A Tonsillectomy." "Very good. ok, What is the removal of your appendix called?"the director continued. "I belive that is an Appendectomy," the woman said confidentilly "Good job. One more. What do we call a sex change operation?" the director asked. Now the woman was very intelligent and she learned every medical term known to man, but for some reason she could not remember what a sex change operation was called. She sat staring ai the wall for some time before the director began to get anxious. "Do you know?" he asked repeatidly. Regaining her composure she finally smiled and said, "of course, Addadictomy." A newspaper editor offered a reward for people who phoned in with news stories. The editor received a call from someone saying that a truck had lost its brakes on a hill and, after picking up great speed, had crashed into and demolished a house. "I'm not interested," he said. "That sort of thing happens all the time. It's not news." "I know what you mean, and I thought you might feel that way, but you'll probably be more interested," said the caller, "when I tell you that it was your house." Construction site An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling." To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy. He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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