December 20th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 20, 2010, 1:04:32 AM12/20/10
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Monday, Dec 20, 2010 |
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A young virgin marries a Greek man and before the wedding her father tells her that, being Greek, her husband may ask her to turn the other way in bed one day, but that she doesn't have to do it if she doesn't want to. Sure enough, after a couple of months, her husband asks her to turn over and she says, "No, my father said I don't have to do this." Her husband says "OK, that's fine by me, but I thought you wanted children." Nun Three nuns were in the church discussing various rumors about the local priest. The first nun reported, "I was going through Father's office the other day, and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" The other nuns gasped. "What did you do?" they demanded. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash," she replied. The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Father's room putting away the laundry, and I found a bunch of condoms! "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns, stunned at this apparent violation of the priest's chastity vow. "What did you do???" they asked. "I decided to teach him a lesson," said the second nun. "I poked holes in all of the condoms!" The third nun fainted. Is Santa a Woman? I think Santa Claus is a woman....I hate to be the one to defy a sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it... For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only lingerie suitable for street walkers, cheap perfume, or any sharp object made by Ronco which slices or dices, left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a PlayStation under the tree, still in the bag. And a male Santa would inevitably have transportation problems because he would get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men can't wrap presents - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. - Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen with all those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. (Except email of course) - Men aren't interested in stockings UNLESS somebody's wearing them. - Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up babes. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?" My first mother-in-law made some comment once about marrying her son to get their last name, which was NOT Rockefeller or Trump or anything prestigious, in fact, it was the third most common name in the United States. So when we got divorced, even though we had children, I took MY name back. When I got married the second time, I was more of a women's libber. I didn't know if I wanted to keep my maiden name, hyphenate, or just take my husband's last name. I was kind of leaning towards hyphenating. The neighbor and I were discussing it one day and her husband said, "You can't hyphenate your last name." And I said, "Why not?" He said, "Say your last name three times real fast." HEMMER-RHODES HEMMER-RHODES HEMMER-RHODES Needless to say, I DIDN'T hyphenate! Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left in the whole area. Each room had one bed. They took the rooms and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three men share the other. In the middle of the night, one man got up to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?" The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife." The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see your wife?" The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the biggest erection I've ever had." The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you." The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?" The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Evil A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed........... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy? Lottery Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter. "What kind of attitude is that?" David asked. He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message." Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek. Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77. A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707.... Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia, fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin prison and was escorted through it so that he might speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter innocence of all charges that had been brought against them. Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally Frederick's curiosity was aroused. "You," he called. "You there." The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?" "Why are you here?" "Armed robbery, Your Majesty." "And are you guilty?" "Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my punishment." At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail where by example he will corrupt all the splendid innocent people who occupy it." While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sautéed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous. Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us. "How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home 2 weeks ago? "What changed your mind?" "I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home." Little Johnny One day little Johnny's teacher was teaching the class about agriculture. To help with this, she was showing pictures of farm equipment. She puts up the first picture, "What is this a picture of class?" she asks. Little Suzy puts up her hand and Johnny sticks up his hand. Of course, the teacher just knows that Johnny has something dirty in mind and picks Suzy."What is this Suzy?". "Its a rake". "Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" she asks and points at the next picture. Johnny's hand shoots up and, little Anne politely puts up her hand, and once again the teacher ignores little Johnny. "That's a pitchfork" says little Suzy. "Very good, now can anyone tell me what this is?" The teacher asks once more. Dead silence, only one student has their hand up, and of course its little Johnny. Seeming as though no one else was volunteering, the teacher asked Johnny. "OK Johnny, what is this?". All of a sudden Johnny realizes he doesn't know the answer. "UH, UH, its a shovel, yeah, it's a shovel." "No Johnny, this isn't a shovel, this is a hoe". "What?!?! My sister's a hoe and she doesn't look nutin' like that!!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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