December 24th Stolen Jokes

[jo...@stolen-jokes.com]

		Friday, Dec 24, 2010	Select a Date from this month's jokes     1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31   SJ Links Soap Box Home Page Lynne's Helpful Hints Toons & Pics Pic 1 Pic 2 Pic 3 Pic 4 Pic 5 Random Pics You Tube General Sponsors Amazon.com for thousands of items, musics, electronics, Blu Ray & DVD players...you name it, they got it. To subscribe or unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE
	Another Great Idea From An Average Joe! Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports: All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not x-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this garbage about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials. This is so simple it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention, standby passengers! We now have a seat available on flight number..." Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which Fookin' Pig?" Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my Fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your Fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my Fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!." "Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" "Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one" While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train." The Blondes Fight Back What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes. What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? No one else wants it. Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible. What's a brunette's mating call? "Has the blonde left yet?" Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands... Date A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." A bartender is preparing to open for the night when he hears a knock at the door, he opens the door and a beautiful blonde is standing there. She says, "I'm shy could I get a drink before you open?" So he lets her in. "What`ll it be?" "Twenty-five whiskeys please. Just line 'em up." He is shocked that she would want so much, but he fills them and he watches her down the lot one by one. She then collapsed on the floor. The bartender looks over the bar, not bad he thinks and takes her upstairs. When he has had enough he goes back down to open up. It's a really busy night and to boost business he sells the girl for a twenty bucks per go. Everyone wants a turn, and he makes a fortune. When he has closed up, he takes the girl and puts her outside the door where she first came from and he counts his profits. The next night at the same time the doorbell rings again so he answers and the girl is back. He can`t believe his luck. Inviting her in he asks, "Twenty five whiskeys again, Darlin'?" "Oh no," she replies, "vodka please. Whiskey makes my twat sore." A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything wrong; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. HOWEVER.... the autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed! The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered. A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts. The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member." "Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece." The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain- wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees. On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop. The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!" A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Dianne has been quite difficult... Yes, I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is. Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. You were perfectly right. You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Dianne, your mother wants to talk to you!" Pope The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, none of whom could figure out how to cure him. Finally he was brought to an old physician, who stated that he could figure it out. After about an hour's examination he came out and told the cardinals that he knew what was wrong. He said that the bad news was that it was a rare disorder of the testicles. He said that the goods news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was to have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, "I agree but under four conditions." The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over all of the noise there arose a single voice that asked, "And what are the four conditions?" The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, "First the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see with whom she is having sex. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear with whom she is having sex. And third, she must be mute so that if somehow she figures out with who she is having sex, she can tell no one." After another long pause a voice arose and asked, "And the fourth condition?" The Pope smiled and replied, "Big tits." It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs. Trivia At lavish Christmas feasts in the Middle Ages, swans and peacocks were sometimes served "endored." This meant the flesh was painted with saffron dissolved in melted butter. In addition to their painted flesh, endored birds were served wrapped in their own skin and feathers, which had been removed and set aside prior to roasting. Before settling on the name of Tiny Tim for his character in "A Christmas Carol," three other alliterative names were considered by Charles Dickens. They were Little Larry, Puny Pete, and Small Sam. California, Oregon, Michigan, Washington, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania and North Carolina are the top Christmas tree producing states. Oregon is the leading producer of Christmas trees - 8.6 million in 1998. Candy canes began as straight white sticks of sugar candy used to decorated the Christmas trees. A choirmaster at Cologne Cathedral decided have the ends bent to depict a shepherd's crook and he would pass them out to the children to keep them quiet during the services. It wasn't until about the 20th century that candy canes acquired their red stripes. Charles Dickens' initial choice for Scrooge's statement "Bah Humbug" was "Bah Christmas." In the early 20th century, tuberculosis was the leading cause of death in the U.S. Physicians were experiencing the first signs of success treating tuberculosis in special hospitals called sanatoriums, and one of those facilities had fallen on tough times. The tiny Delaware sanatorium would have to close its doors if $300 could not be raised to save it. One of its doctors explained the plight to his cousin, a Red Cross volunteer named Emily Bissell. Bissell was a veteran fundraiser, and she soon came up with a plan based on one that had worked in Denmark: She would design and print special holiday seals and sell them at the post office for a penny each. By the end of her holiday campaign (and after an endorsement by President Roosevelt), she and a large group of committed volunteers had raised ten times the goal and the American Lung Association Christmas Seals were born. The tradition continued and grew year after year through World War I, The Great Depression and World War II. As the American Lung Association's mission expanded to include research- into other respiratory diseases, such as lung cancer, more people began to send Christmas Seals. And as the American Lung Association stepped up to protect children and families from pollution and cigarette smoke in the 1960s, 70s and 80s, America continued its support each year by supporting the Christmas Seals tradition. The first state to recognize the Christmas holiday officially was Alabama. The legendary Christmas pudding is actually an off shoot of the Celtic dish frumenty. The strangeness of the pudding is inspired by the myth that surrounds it. Supposedly people believed it was unlucky to cut a Christmas cake before Christmas Eve. But, the pudding wasn't the only thing that was guarded by a long-standing myth. Mince pie was said to be unlucky if cut with a knife, additionally it was considered to encourage bad luck when eaten outside of the period between Christmas Eve and Twelfth Night. The great thing about Mince pie however, is that it somehow had the magical power to give you good luck if you ate one every day for the twelve days of Christmas. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser.

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