December 16th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 16, 2010, 1:04:06 AM12/16/10
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Thursday, Dec 16, 2010 |
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A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25." The long-time agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that she'd been selling her body for. . . a thousand dollars a night. The agent, who had long lusted after his gorgeous client, hadn,t dreamed that she had been so readily available. He approached her and, confessing his desire, asked for a date. She shrugged and agreed to spend the night with him, but coldly stated that he would have to pay a thousand dollars, just like the rest of her clients. Taken somewhat aback because of their relationship, he reluctantly agreed, then added, "But don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a discount?" "No discount," she said curtly. "Take it or leave it." Her agent wasn't all that happy with her attitude, but lust won out and he agreed. When she arrived at his house that evening he took her into the bedroom and screwed the hell out of her. After the passionate encounter, he turned out the lights and she fell asleep. Around midnight, her aroused bedmate awakened her and they engaged in another steamy bout of sex. Towards one a.m. she was again awakened, and her horny lover engaged her in another round of pleasure. An hour later, she was again awakened, and, by now highly impressed at her partner's virility, she whispered in the darkness, "My God, you're a stud! I had no idea! I never knew how lucky I was to have you as an agent." "I'm not your agent, baby," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets." When my eight-year-old sister came to visit, I took a day off from my job at the Pentagon and showed her the Lincoln Memorial. There she saw a large block of text-273 words long-etched into the monument. "What's that?" she asked. "Lincoln's Gettysburg Address," I told her. "If that's his address, how does he get any mail?" Two rich men were talking over coffee and croissants at their country club one day and one of them said to the other one, "Hey, I tell you my driver is really stupid... you don't think so? Let me show you." And he called his driver Ah Beng over and said, "Jim, here is a 10 dollar bill, go to the car showroom and buy me a Mercedes." To which Jim replied, "Yes Sir! Right away!" and rushed off to the showroom. The rich man turned to his friend and said, "See, I told you he was stupid." The other rich man said, "That's nothing, you want to see stupid, I will show you stupid." And he called his driver, Ali: "Ali, go home now and check to see if I'm at home." Ali said, "Yes Sir!! Right away, Sir" and ran home. "See what I told you? He doesn't even have enough brains to know that I cannot be at home if I am here." Later on, the two drivers met on the road. Jim said to Ali, "Eh, you know my boss is sooo stupid. He gave me 10 dollars and asked me to go to the car showroom and buy him a Mercedes.....Doesn't he know that today is Sunday?? The showroom is closed!" Ali replied, "You think he is stupid, huh? My boss is sooo much worse, he asked me to go home to check if he is at home....He's got a cellphone, right, he can just call home to check!!!!" Young couple A young couple, Jack and Jill, are out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, Jack's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when Jill says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to piss." Slightly taken back by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge." She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As Jack waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animalistic thoughts a moment longer, Jack reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs. Jack shouts in horror, "Oh no, Jill, have you changed your sex?" "No," she replies. "but I changed my mind, I'm taking a shit instead."
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" Jones was a contestant on the famous TV show of yesteryear, "The $64,000 Question," and he had chosen for his category of questioning, "Sexual Techniques." He had answered all the questions asked, with verve and delicacy, and had finally surmounted the $32,000 hurdle. It was up to him to decide whether to return for the final $64,000 question, and if he decided to do so, he might bring an expert of his own choosing who would be allowed to help him. Jones did decide to try again, and he brought with him none other then Monsieur Pierre, the great internationally renowned French expert on all phases of sex. The two were placed in the isolation booth (so that they might not hear any hints thrown out by the audience), and the question was asked: "Suppose, Mr. Jones, you had exactly three kisses to bestow on your loved one and wished to do it in such a way as to elicit maximum response. Where you place the first kiss? Where the second? Where the third? A minute was allowed for consideration while rhythmic, suspenseful music played. Then the master of ceremonies said, "Well, Mr. Jones, where would you place the first kiss?" Without hesitation, Jones said, "On the lips." "Correct, sir, and where the second?" This time Jones considered for a moment. Then, somewhat hesitantly, he said, "On the back of the neck." "Correct, sir," cried the master of ceremonies, while the audience howled with approval. "Now for the third and last part of the question. For $64,000, where would you place the third kiss?" This time Jones was in trouble. The perspiration stood out on his forehead. He seemed on the point of answering but then turned hastily to his companion. "Monsieur Pierre..." he began. But the Frenchman shook his head violently. "Do not ask me, my friend. In my mind, I have already been wrong twice." Sister Magdalene It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, Sister" said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he now..." said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact..." said the old nun, even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being saved." "That son-of-a..." muttered the old nun, "he told ME it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for forty years!" Tarzan Tarzan and his new homosexual lover, Homo-boy (Jane left him and returned to England) are traveling through the jungle when they are suddenly attacked by a troop of savage Baboons. In the ensuing fight they get separated. As Tarzan fights some of the attackers off, his cowardly homosexual lover clings gingerly to a thin tree branch, barely out of reach of the rest of the savage, attacking Baboons. After Tarzan has vanquished those Baboons confronting him, he turns just in time to see his new lover's tree branch begin to break. Thinking quickly, Tarzan leaps for a vine and swings precariously towards his newfound sweetheart, Homo-boy. As he nears him, Tarzan yells, "Grab the vine, Homo-boy, grab the vine!" Homo-boy, reaches out as Tarzan swings by... Homo-boy makes a quick grab. Suddenly, Tarzan screams, "Aaiiieeeeeeeee!" "I SAID THE VINE DAMMIT, THE VINE!" From that day forth, Tarzan was the best-hung male in the jungle... There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him. Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."
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shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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