December 15th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 15, 2010, 1:02:53 AM12/15/10
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Wednesday, Dec 15, 2010 |
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An old man walks into the University Offices and says "I'd like to enrol for a Latin course." The Dean looks at him and asks rather coyly, "How old are you, Sir?" "Ninety-three" is the reply. "Then why do you want to learn Latin, at your time in life?" "Well" the man explains "I realize I haven't got long for this world, but if I go to Heaven I'd like to be able to speak to God and the Angels in their own language, and I'd feel more comfortable if I knew some Latin." The Dean thinks, and then asks "But what if you don't go to Heaven but go to - you know - the other place?" "That's alright, I can already speak American." A kind-hearted motorist saw a man struggling to change a tire alongside the highway, and pulled over to see whether he could help. The man had a very red face, and a dark smear across it where he'd wiped off sweat with dirty hands. His tie was undone and his shirt collar askew, and it was clear he had also wiped his hands on his once-white shirt. Close to him stood an immaculately neat woman who was speaking in quick, agitated tones. "Hello, there," said the motorist. "Say, I've changed a lot of tires. . . maybe I can help here." "You sure can," the man with the flat tire replied wearily. "My wife is an expert, too. If you will just do all the arguing with her about how this tire ought to be changed, I can concentrate on the dirty work and get the job done." A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet. One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet. Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's car arriving home. The thief then immediately hid in the closet. The owners came into the house, and went straight to bed. But in the middle of the night they were awoken by a scream. The husband opened the closet to see the thief squirming on the floor. The husband immediately bound the thief tightly with some rope and asked what made him yell so loud. The thief replied in pain, "When your damn squirrel mistook my ass for a hollow in a tree -- I held out; then it mistook my balls for nuts, I gritted my teeth; but when it decided to carry the nuts into the hollow I screamed." Four regulars were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning, is it Intercourse or Golf Course and she said... "Take a sweater - it's a bit cool this morning..." A Blonde goes to Bed Bath & Beyond to buy curtains. She tells the clerk, 'I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains. 'The clerk assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. She shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The clerk then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the clerk. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. 'The surprised clerk replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blonde says, 'Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooow s....... My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes. Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on. When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods. "There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!" Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Phoenix reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about.
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Mrs. Jones, deeply troubled, was consulting a psychiatrist. "My husband," she said, "is convinced he's a chicken. He goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood he has fixed up as a perch." "I see," said the psychiatrist thoughtfully. "And how long has your husband been suffering from this fixation?" "For nearly two years now." The psychiatrist frowned slightly and said, "But why have you waited till now to seek help?" Mrs. Jones blushed and said, "Oh, well - it was so nice having a steady supply of eggs." Hooker Incidentally, Ladies of the Evening have their share of the currently fashionable neuroses just like everyone else. But they have one complaint about psychiatrists that the rest of us do not share. Gorgeous Gussie puts it this way: "This is the only guy I know who tells me to lay down on a couch and then sends me a bill." There are certain members of the sisterhood who really take their jobs to heart. As, for example, the girl who was discovered by one of her steady clients to be dressed in black shoes, black undies, black bra, black stockings, black everything -looking very somber indeed. "Why the dreary get-up?" he inquired. "One of my best customers passed away," she explained, "and when I mourn, I mourn all over." When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up no'th, had become a lady of the evening, they were stunned and shocked. "Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of our kinfolk having to work for a living!" A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce." "Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex." A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. 'How much do you want for the mower?' asked the preacher. 'I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle,' said the little boy. After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, Will you take my bike in trade for it?' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, 'Mister, you've got yourself a deal.' The preacher took the mower and began to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, 'I can't get this mower to start.' The little boy said, 'That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.' The preacher said, I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss.' The little boy looked at him happily and said, 'You just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya. Incidentally, Ladies of the Evening have their share of the currently fashionable neuroses just like everyone else. But they have one complaint about psychiatrists that the rest of us do not share. Gorgeous Gussie puts it this way: "This is the only guy I know who tells me to lay down on a couch and then sends me a bill." There are certain members of the sisterhood who really take their jobs to heart. As, for example, the girl who was discovered by one of her steady clients to be dressed in black shoes, black undies, black bra, black stockings, black everything -looking very somber indeed. "Why the dreary get-up?" he inquired. "One of my best customers passed away," she explained, "and when I mourn, I mourn all over." When the members of a great old Southern aristocratic family heard that their daughter Clarabelle, who lived up no'th, had become a lady of the evening, they were stunned and shocked. "Imagine!" boomed Uncle Stonewall in despair. "It's a disgrace! One of our kinfolk having to work for a living!" Divorced A woman finally got divorced from a rather nasty and egotistical man. She then re-married someone whom she felt would treat her with more love and kindness. When her ex-husband happened to meet her on the street one day, he couldn't overcome his usual tendencies, and asked her sarcastically, "So, how does that new husband of yours like screwing a used pussy?" "He likes it just fine," she replied, "once he gets past the used part." Texan A Texan, fresh from the ranch, was invited to a Hollywood party. Madonna spied him and started flirting with him. "Tell me cowboy, is there 'anything' you'd really like." "Welllll," he replied, "I sure could use a piece of ass." Madonna nodded and took him into a bedroom. She removed her clothes and his clothes, then engaged in a hot session of mad passionate lovemaking with him. After they were done, she again asked suggestively, "Now, handsome, is there anything *else* I can do for you?" "Well, ma'am," he replied in his Texan drawl, "I could still use that piece of ass for my drink."
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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