December 22nd Stolen Jokes
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jo...@stolen-jokes.com
Dec 22, 2010, 1:04:05 AM12/22/10
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Wednesday, Dec 22, 2010 |
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A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, "I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find 'em?" The pharmacist replied, "Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They're on aisle 4." "No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it," growled the farmer. "Sir," said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, "PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I'm sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide." "Listen here, " argued the farmer, "I want condoms with PESTICIDE on it, my wife's got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it." It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it that way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard. The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next. Max Weinstein, his wife and two young daughters were on vacation. They were out in a small sailing boat when they were caught in a sudden squall off the shores of Florida. Fortunately, they were found quickly and towed to safety by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard. "I always knew God would take care of us," said Max's composed five year old daughter. "I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is in His heaven watching over us." "Oh, I wasn't talking about THAT God," the five year old said. "I was talking about the COAST God." A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, 'What would happened if this does not work?' The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, GUARANTEE NO SPOILT'. Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel. He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it would not even switch on. He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit. When the shopkeeper refused to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee. The shopkeeper then said, 'Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.' Wally's Wedding Night At seventy-eight years of age, Wally married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decides that after their wedding, she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new -- but aged -- husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Susie prepares herself for bed and the expected 'knock' on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her elderly groom, ready for action... They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more 'action.' Somewhat surprised, Susie consents for more coupling... When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it... Wally is back again, rapping on the door, fresh as a twenty-five-year-old, ready for more 'action.' And, once again they enjoy each other. As Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that, at your age, you can perform so well and so often... I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good ONCE. You are truly a great lover, Wally." Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says, "You mean I was here already?" The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, senior moments have their advantages.
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet. The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. Sometimes after you hear what comes out of a parent's mouth, it's hard to believe you're related. Crazythingsparentssay.com has the proof: "You shouldn't be eating candy so early. We have doughnuts." "The key is to put the mousetrap outside the house. That way, the mice don't come in." "Your aunt couldn't make it, so I brought the cat." "Don't do drugs. They're hell on your body, and I may need one of your organs someday." A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along. "I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!" "Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said. The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait." A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube." The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then, we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." "All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." The plane was flying from Seattle to New York. The young woman of 25 was seated next to a well dressed lady in her 70's. The young woman found it difficult to ignore the beautiful huge diamond that the elderly passenger seated next to her was wearing. After a while she could not resist making a comment about the beautiful stone. That diamond on your finger is so huge!" The elderly lady smiled and said, "It is five carats --the famous Nussbaum Diamond--it's worth almost a million dollars!" The young lady let out a screech of excitement--"Oh how fantastic!" The elderly lady continued. There is only one problem with the Nussbaum Diamond, ---there is a curse that goes with it!" "What kind of a curse goes with the Nussbaum Diamond?" The young lady yelled out over the engine noise. The elderly woman smiled and answered--"Mr. Nussbaum! A woman was Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of walking down row after row of toys and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the store elevator with her two children in hand. She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, making sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card. Finally the elevator doors opened revealing a crowd in the car. She pushed her way in and dragged her two kids and all her bags of stuff in with her . As the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and blurted out, "Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot." From the back of the car, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry, we've already crucified Him." The rest of the trip down was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop. Don't forget this year to keep the One who started this whole Christmas thing in your every thought, deed, purchase, and word. If we all would, just think how much better this world would be. My sister and her husband recently went on a scuba diving trip with a group of friends. They had nearly finished the days dive and were preparing to head in for the evening. One man was left in the water and as he was coming to the surface, he saw a fish swim by that had a pair of false teeth in its mouth. The fish evidently decided it could not eat this strange substance and dropped the teeth. The man was able to grab them and went about getting out of the water. There was quite a commotion on the deck as one woman was really upset that she had washed her mouth out with water, and her teeth fell overboard. Realizing that he was the hero of the day, he says, "Is this them?" Now what are the odds of seeing a fish with dentures or a rescue of teeth being that swift?
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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