December 12th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 12, 2010, 1:03:49 AM12/12/10
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Sunday, Dec 12, 2010 |
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PICK ME UP It was the evening before the Thanksgiving Holiday weekend. A mother was busy making pies and the like for the big dinner when the phone rang. She answered it. "Mom, it's me," the voice on the other end said. "I am down at the bus station. Will you come and pick me up?" The woman couldn't figure out what had happened that one of her 3 sons would arrive on the bus, so she asked him, "Who is this?" The young man answered, "It's me, Mom, Joe." The woman replied, "Oh, dear, I'm sorry, I'm afraid you have the wrong Mother." A certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus. Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score is, and she's even a natural blonde. The roommate arranged the date as promised. The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy." "I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail." Harry teed up, addressed his golf ball, and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and it went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock! Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh no!" exclaimed Harry. "What should we do?" "I'm not sure," said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here, he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies or drop it two club lengths away without penalty." A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his. "Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more chilled and miserable than before. "Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's mustache again!" A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the government," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike, here, puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work." Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, " Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." The passenger said, "Who?" The cabbie said, "Dave Bronson. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave." The rider said, "Well, nobody's perfect." The cabbie said, "Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood." The rider said, "No wonder you remember him." The cabbie said, "Well, no I never actually met Dave." The rider asked, "Then how do you know so much about him?" The cabbie exclaimed, " I married his widow!" A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know what type to get so she just grabs one and takes it to a register manned by a Wal-Mart "associate" wearing dark shades. The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a 6aphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line. It's a good all-around rod and reel, and it costs $20.00r> She says, "That's amazing! You can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for - so I'll take it." As the blind man begins to ring up the sale, the woman loudly passes gas. At first, she's embarrassed, but realizes there's no way he could tell it was her because he's blind and wouldn't know she was the only person around. He rings up the sale, and says, "That will be $25.50." She replies, "I thought you said it was only $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, $20.00 for the rod and reel, but the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is $2.50." Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo". This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash." Two ladies went through the custom check point after an oversea trip. Customer Officer found Lady A had seven branded panties in her luggage. When Lady A said the panties were not bought oveaseas, the Customer Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring seven panties on an oveasea trip?" Lady A replied: "I do not do washing when I am abroad. Don't you know that one week has seven days?" She was let go without having to pay tax. Customer Officer then opened the suitcase of Lady B and found twelve panties. When she insisted that she brought them from home, the Custom Officer asked: "Why do you need to bring twelve panties on an oversea trip?" The offended Lady B replied: "I also do not wash when I travel. Don't you know that one year has twelve months?" A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning." Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?" The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother." The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??" The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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