December 17th Stolen Jokes

[jo...@stolen-jokes.com]

		Friday, Dec 17, 2010	Select a Date from this month's jokes     1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31   SJ Links Soap Box Home Page Lynne's Helpful Hints Toons & Pics Pic 1 Pic 2 Pic 3 Pic 4 Pic 5 Random Pics You Tube General Sponsors Amazon.com for thousands of items, musics, electronics, Blu Ray & DVD players...you name it, they got it. To subscribe or unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE
	Watch A young Jew and an old Jew are riding on a bus in Jerusalem. The young Jew asks, "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old Jew doesn't answer. "Excuse me, sir," the young Jew asks again, "what time is it?" The old Jew looks up him, but still doesn't answer. The young Jew is puzzled, "Sir, forgive me for interrupting you all the time, but I really want to know what time it is. Why won't you answer me?" The old Jew turns toward the young man and says, "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger to this land. If I answer you now, according to Jewish tradition, I must invite you to my home. You're handsome and I have a beautiful daughter. You would fall in love with her and you'd want to get married. And tell me, why would I want a son-in-law who can't even afford a fucking watch?" Dogs Bob was showing off his bird dog to his friend Bill. They went down Towards a lake and Bob said to the dog, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off to the lake, came back a couple of minutes later, and Barked twice. Seconds later, two ducks floated into view. "That was unbelievable, can he do it again?" Bill asked. "Sure," responded Bob, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off again, came back, and barked four times. Four ducks Flew in and landed on the pond. "I have to have that dog," Bill said, "I'll give you $5,000 and all of My hunting dogs." They agreed to the deal, and Bill took the dog home to show off to his Wife. Bill and his wife took his new dog down to the lake and Bill Said, "How many ducks are there boy?" The dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a stick, Shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Bob gypped the hell out of You," his wife said. "You are such a fool." Bill protested, "But I saw it work, let me try again. How many ducks Are there boy?" Again the dog raced off, came back, humped his wife's leg, grabbed a Stick, shook it, and threw it over his shoulder. "Well, shit" Bill Said, "This dog is useless." In a fit of rage he shot the dog. Then, after shooting the dog, he went back and told the story to Bob. After hearing that Bill had killed the dog, Bob cried "YOU IDIOT. That Dog was telling you that there were more ducks than you could fucking Shake a stick at ." A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day... A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head. The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball... No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester! Three football fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.  They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Newcastle United fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Liverpool fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Manchester United fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. The police were called.  When the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.  First, he lifted up the Newcastle United cap, replaced it and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Liverpool cap, replaced it and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Manchester United cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time and replaced it one last time. The Newcastle United fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something?  Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?" "Well," said the officer, "I am surprised.  Normally when I look under a Manchester United hat, I find an asshole!" Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php   and   www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php How to Make Love Like a Man 1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex. 2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner. 3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay. 4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature. 5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV. 6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity. 7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there. 8. Almost "forget" birth control. 9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the antiorgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed. 10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth. 11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room. 12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was. Cajun One time, oil's Thibedeaux wanted his favourite meal, blue crabs. His big fat wife said, "Arright Thibedeaux, I tol' you wot I'm gonna do. I'm goin down to de bay an caught you some blue crabs, cher. An den I'm gonna fix you de bes' boiled blue crab you eva did have." Thibedeaux said, "Whoo, big fat wife, dat would be mo' betta dan blackberry wine, cher!" The next morning, Thibedeaux's big fat wife got ready to go catch some blue crabs down at the bay. Thibedeaux said, "Wot time you is goin to be back home, big fat wife?" She said "I'll be home in time to clean an cook dem crabs for suppa, Thibedeaux." All day long Thibedeaux waited for his big fat wife to get home. It got to be about five o'clock, and Thibedeaux thought, "My big fat wife mus' be catchin a big mess a dem blue crabs or she woulda been home by now." Then it got to be about nine o'clock and Thibedeaux's big fat wife still wasn't home. Thibedeaux thought, "Whar in de worl' be my big fat wife?" It got to be midnight, and Thibedeaux's big fat wife was still missing, so Thibedeaux decided to call the Sheriff. Thibedeaux said, "Sheriff, my big fat wife wen' down to de bay to caught me some blue crabs dis mornin, but she still not home." The Sheriff said, "OK Thibedeaux. We'll go out to fin' yor big fat wife." At one AM, Thibedeaux heard a knock at the door. It was the Sheriff. Thibedeaux asked, "Sheriff, did you fin' my big fat wife?" The Sheriff replied, "Thibedeaux, I got some bad news, I got some good news an I got some great news." Thibedeaux said, "Oh no. Gimme de bad news firs'." The Sheriff said "Wall, Thibedeaux, we foun yor big fat wife. She dun fell into de bay an got drown." Thibedeaux said "Oh my Po's oil's big fat wife." "But you know wot?" the Sheriff went on, "We foun' twenty seven of de biggest oil's Blue Crabs you Eva saw hanging on her." Thibedeaux said, "Oh Sheriff, data's good news, but not great news!" The Sheriff said, "No Thibedeaux! De great news is we're going run her aging in about a hour!" Reunion Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline company, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday." The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best Universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion." The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the Successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a gay night club." The three friends said: "What a shame...What a disappoint- ment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends." It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs. Trivia "Flower" names were very popular during the late nineteenth century in America and England. Among the favorites were Rose, Blossom, Daisy, Iris, Pansy, Fern, Poppy, Viola, Violet, and Zinnia. "Tar Heel," North Carolina's nickname, came about in 1863 during the U.S. Civil War to describe the North Carolina soldier. Life magazine featured a new dance craze in 1943 called the "Lindy." The dance was named for 1920s aviator, Charles Lindbergh, who made the first solo flight across the Atlantic Ocean. On May 25,1721 John Copson became America's 1st insurance agent. First President to fly in a helicopter? Dwight D. Eisenhower - 1957. Months that begin on a Sunday always have a Friday the 13th. In 1797 James Hetherington invented the top hat and wore it in public. He was arrested for disturbing the peace. Boris Karloff appears in the most expensive movie poster ever sold. He appeared in the 1932 poster for THE MUMMY, which was sold at Sotheby's Manhattan salesroom in 1997 for $453,000, a record that still stands. BUTTERFINGER, introduced in 1928 by the Curtiss Candy Company, got its name through a public contest. "Butterfinger" was a popular expression of the day, used by sportscasters to describe athletes who couldn't keep a grip on the baseball or football. Eleven years before Rosa Parks refused to give up her bus seat, he was court-martialed for a similar offense while in the army. He was acquitted and discharged before spending several years playing baseball for the Kansas City Monarchs in the Negro Leagues. He was elected into the Hall of Fame in his first year of eligibility, a decade after he started in the Major League. Nine days before his death in October of 1972, he threw the first pitch in the World Series, twenty-five years after Major League Baseball was integrated. ?Jackie Robinson? John Camp John Campbell, known by many as America's first news vendor, published what would eventually become the first successful American newspaper, the Boston "News-Letter" in 1704. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser.

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