December 21st Stolen Jokes
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Dec 21, 2010, 1:01:29 AM12/21/10
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Tuesday, Dec 21, 2010 |
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A young woman meets her old, retired, parish priest and when he asks her how she is, she bursts out crying. "What's the matter child?" he asks. "Oh, Father," she says, "it's my boyfriend. He won't marry me because I'm Roman Catholic." "There, there child. Here's what you do. Explain to him the faith of the Church, the traditions, the ceremonies and the rites. That'll bring him around." Tearfully, the young woman says she'll try it. About a year later, they meet again, and again she bursts into tears when he asks how she is doing. "Is it your boyfriend, child?" he asks. "Yes, Father." "Did you explain about the Church as I suggested?" "Yes, Father," she says, "but that was the problem. He was so taken by it that he's now studying to be a priest." I've noticed that when you are a parent you can kiss your privacy good-bye. I fully understand now why my father used to lock the bathroom door. He wasn't embarrassed about anything-it was the only time he ever got to be alone. I remember one morning I was taking a shower. I had the bathroom door shut, but somehow I had forgotten to lock it. All of a sudden, the shower curtain was ripped back and there stood my daughter with her friend! Next thing I knew, the girls were marching back out the door and my daughter huffed, "See? I told you." I never found out what that was all about, but I'll tell you something I did learn that day: there is absolutely no way for a wet, naked man to climb a tile wall. It just cannot be done. Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck. He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more. He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator. He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now. The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true." Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so. The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'" Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in. She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him. However, she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following, "Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$." Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives. He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman". He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically. At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight. Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call." A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?". God replies, "I didn't recognize you." One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was re-seated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune! The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. The pressure on the toymakers was so great that they were putting Raggedy Andy heads on the Raggedy Anne bodies, bicycle back wheels on the front, and wagon tongues on the back. Hula hoops were somehow coming off the assembly line as Möbius strips. A half-million of the new lap-tops were assembled without the hard drive, and so on. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, and that news stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open.There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. We've seen how frustrating things have been for you lately, and we want you to feel better. I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Long ago, somewhere east of Hughsonville, there was a small town with a big problem. Almost all of the inhabitants were men. In fact, there was only one "eligible" woman in the entire town. And so it happened that all of the men lined up to arrange dates with Elizabeth. After the first few men went out with her, it became no secret that Beth was less than desirable. She ate with her mouth open, always ordered the most expensive meal, made crude jokes about her companion, and rarely bathed. A man who had spent an evening with Beth had a distinctive look to him. He would have an ashen complexion, sunken eyes that stared straight ahead, uncomprehending, and he would have a tendency to shudder from time to time. It became commonplace for the townfolk, upon encountering such a person, to remark, "You look like you've just had a date with Beth!" And then one day everything changed; Norma moved into town. The menfolk all fell to their knees, offering praise to the deity of their choice, and flocked to Norma's door to seek an evening with her. Chester, the town's most eligible bachelor, was the first to be granted an evening with Norma. The evening was a disaster. Norma, like Beth, ate with her mouth open, but had far fewer teeth. That was, perhaps, one of her more graceful attributes. She didn't use a knife or fork. In fact, she didn't even use her hands. She ate with her feet! And she liked to toss her food about the room, all the while spouting vulgarities that would make a sailor blush. And the rude noises... well, suffice it to say that a description would violate the norms of acceptable discourse. Chester barely got through the meal, and gratefully deposited Norma at her home. As he made his way back to town, he encountered many of his friends, all of whom were curious about his evening. As he got closer, however, they all saw the unmistakable signs -- the ashen pallor, the halting gait. One of them approached Chester, put a hand on his shoulder, and said "Jeez, Chester, you look like you've had a date with..." "No, my friend," Chester interrupted, "this was a date worse than Beth." Stan Genie Jill meets Nadine for lunch.. "You're looking very tired today, Nadine. Did you have a late night?" "Yes," replies Nadine, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes." "Wow," says Jill, "so what were the choices he gave you, Nadine?" "He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis." "So tell me already, Nadine, what did you choose?" "I can't remember," replies Nadine. A man was in a hurry to board an airplane and he didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and snuck him on to the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. "Are you OK, mister?" the stewardess asked. "Yes, I'm fine," said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. "Are you sure you're all right, sir?" "Yes," the man insisted, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants." "I see," the stewardess said. "Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK." "Oh, he's housebroken," the man replied. "The problem is, he's not weaned yet!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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