December 30th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 30, 2010, 1:01:42 AM12/30/10
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Thursday, Dec 30, 2010 |
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Two ninety-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through high school.Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years.If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."Shortly after that, Rose passed on. A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly."Who is it?" "Barb -- it's me, Rose." "You're not Rose.Rose just died." "I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose!Where are you?" "In Heaven," replied Rose."I have some really good news and a little bad news." "Tell me the good news first," said Barb. "The good news," Rose said, "is that there's softball in Heaven.Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.Better than that, we're all young again.Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows.And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired." "That's fantastic!" said Barb."It's beyond my wildest dreams!So what's the bad news?" "You're pitching Tuesday!" There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? Sincerely, Edna The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read: Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. Sincerely, Edna Top Ten Ways to Make Airport Security More Pleasant 10.For an extra ten dollars, screeners will give you a luxurious Shiatsu massage 9.To your left, X-ray conveyor belt; to your right, complimentary hot buffet 8.Passenger's naked body scan ends up on YouTube -- hey, that joke was in the monologue! 7.Anyone caught with something suspicious has to eat it 6.You can watch other passengers get groped for 99 cents a minute 5.Guess the TSA agent's weight and you can bring any liquid on board 4.Passengers have option to be frisked by security or airport Cinnabon employee 3.Pipe in soft rock classics from the 70s, 80s, 90s and today 2.Concludes with a good luck pat on the ass 1.Vibrating wands Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php A blonde died and went to heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into heaven, you have to pass a test." "OH, NO!" exclaimed the blonde. But Saint Peter said not to worry, because he would make it an easy test. "Who was God's son?" asked Saint Peter. The dumb blonde thought for a few minutes and replied, "Andy." "Andy? That's interesting. What made you say that?" inquired Saint Peter. Then the blonde started to sing, "Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me..." Funeral Home This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?" But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost. He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another deceased was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her. So . . . I switched the heads" A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money. Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?" "Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid. So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time? Mom said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000" "That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???" "Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his baldhead, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!" 3 girlfriends There's a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it. The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits. Date A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!" One of the most famous philosophers in history was René Descartes. Many of his principles are well known to all students of math and philosophy. Remember the Cartesian graphs we labored over in high school algebra and geometry? Descartes was also famous for his philosophical musings, such as "I think, therefore I am." One story suggests that he was once asked his opinion on a question and he replied, "I don't think so." He promptly disappeared, but that is not the story we are telling today. René Descartes and his wife were on the surface a happy couple, but Madame Descartes had a secret. She was a bisexual, and when René was not able to satisfy her completely, she would often wander out during the evening and partake of the pleasures of the Parisian prostitutes. This was, she thought, a harmless pleasure, and she saw no reason to disturb or worry her husband about her occasional trysts with the pleasurable prostitutes of Paris. As we all know, such a secret life cannot remain secret for long. René discovered his wife's infidelity, and he confronted her. He issued an ultimatum: "Either you give up your liaisons with these women, or our marriage is over and I'm leaving." Madame Descartes saw that her life with Rene was much too important and fulfilling to sacrifice for her occasional pleasures, and she agreed to forsake her indiscretions. She decided that in the interests of family harmony, to put Descartes before the whores.  
Trivia Why are there 5,280 feet to a mile? Why not a number like 5,000? The magician's words "hocus-pocus" were taken from the name of a mythological sorcerer, Ochus Bochus, who appeared in Norse folktales and legends. Air pollution may contribute to two percent of all deaths in the US, some 50,000 cases per year. A nine-year study of US cities showed a strong correlation between death rates and periods of significant pollution. America's first nudist organization was founded in 1929, by 3 men. Barbers at one time combined shaving and haircutting with bloodletting and pulling teeth. The white stripes on a field of red that spiral down a barber pole represent the bandages used in the bloodletting. Based on a US Justice Department study conducted between 1992 and 1996, workplace violence troubles 1.7 million Americans a year. Number of workers attacked or threatened per thousand: Police officers: 306, Private security guards: 218, Taxi drivers: 184, Prison guards: 117, Bartenders: 91, Mental health professionals: 80, Gas station attendants: 79. Catholic Popes who died during sex: Leo VII (936-9) died of a heart attack, John VII (955-64) was bludgeoned to death by the husband of the woman he was with at the time, John XIII (965-72) was also murdered by a jealous husband, Pope Paul II (1467-71) allegedly died while being sodomized by a page boy. Hans Christian Andersen, Cher, Tom Cruise, Albert Einstein, Whoopie Goldberg, Greg Louganis, Lee Harvey Oswald, and Gen. George S. Patton, are (were) all dyslexics. How many American presidents are not buried in the United States? Four. Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush. Humans are the one of the rare animals which copulate face to face. Orangutans also copulate in this manner, the only other species to do so with the same regularity as humans. In addition, Bonobos have been documented doing the same, though only occasionally. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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