December 26th Stolen Jokes
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jo...@stolen-jokes.com
Dec 26, 2010, 1:02:23 AM12/26/10
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Sunday, Dec 26, 2010 |
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BJ A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him: "Who's the most powerful man in the room?" "That would be Bob, over there by the caviar," he says. The young woman walks over to Bob and says, "Excuse me, Bob, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you." Bob and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Bob... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had...!" Bob smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But.............. what's in it for me?" Nancy and Harry!! Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said, "Harry, I have a great idea! I know how we can win back Middle America in 2012 ." "Great, but how do you propose we go about that, "asked Harry?" "Well," Nancy responded, "we'll go down to a local Wal-Mart, get some cheesy clothes and shoes like most middle Americans wear and then we'll stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador . When we look the part we'll go to a nice old country bar in Middle America , and we'll show them that we really enjoy the Countryside and show admiration and respect for the hard working people living there." A few days later, all decked out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from Washington in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for. With dog in tow they walk into the bar. They stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Aren't you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?" Nancy answered, "Yes we are, and what a lovely town you have here. We were just passing through and Harry suggested that we stop and take in some local color." They then ordered a couple of cocktails from the barten-der and proceed to drink them down, all the while chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen. All of a sudden, the bar room door opened and a grizzled old farmer came in.. He walked up to the Labrador , lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out the door. A few moments later, in came another old farmer. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and then left the bar. Over the course of the next hour or so, another four or five farmers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and went away looking puzzled. Eventually Nancy and Harry could stand it no longer and called the bartender over. "Tell me," said Nancy , "why did all those old farmers come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it some sort of old custom?" "Good Lord no," said the bartender.. "It's just that some-one has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two asshole's!" Patricia A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning. Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?" The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandma? Is that you?" "Yes granddaughter, it's me." "It's really, really you, Grandma?," the woman repeats. "Yes, it's really me, granddaughter." The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, Grandma?" "Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me." The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you." "Anything, my child." "When did you learn to speak English?" Scottish One cold December day, a French tourist in Scotland decided to find out if the natives were as tight as he had heard. He stopped at a farm cottage, told the farmer's wife he was freezing to death, and was invited to come in and warm himself at the hearth. Once inside the house, he complained of being thirsty. The woman handed him an enormous white crockery mug filled with milk. After taking a big swig, the guest exclaimed, "This is sweet and fresh ... you are most generous!" She replied modestly, "It's nothing. My family wouldn't drink that milk because we found a dead rat in it." Sick to his stomach, the Frenchman clapped both hands over his mouth, allowing the huge mug to fall to the floor and shatter on the stone floor. The Scotswoman grabbed her broom, raised it high in the air, brought it down on the visitor's head, and hollered, "Get out, you ungrateful pig! I take you in my home, I let you share my fire, I give you milk to drink ... and now you repay my kindness by breaking the children's potty chair!" Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off." "That's baloney", says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken...we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn't afraid to take off!" "Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!" The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell! If he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops of the trees, flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush. Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?" One of the hunters rolled out from under a bush, looked around, and said "I'd say...About a hundred yards further than last year." 5 Sexual Techniques to Make Her Wild with Desire and YOU happy till dawn! From a good American friend of mine who states this really does work! Between being married a long time, and also being a woman, I can tell you blokes that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon. They aren't difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the most sexiest things I can think of... and I have quite the imagination!! So. Are you ready? Are you a real man? Wipe that drop of drool from the corner of your mouth and read on.... Technique #1 : Wet Hands (One of the best) Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women of today who were recently polled for this article. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her almost breathless. * Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you. With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet. Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth Across the surface of it.. over and over again. Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure. Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys... It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle, but you being a big strong man, I know you can do it.. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough? Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to. Plug it in and push ALL the right buttons. * Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot. Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results (I hear they are graded from A to G so keep it mind as you work away and head for that G spot!). Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin' your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be o. k. until the end. You will need two piles... no I did not say poles, I said piles. Put everything white and light coloured in one and everything dark coloured in the other. Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative... use the amount suggested by the manufacturer). Add the light pile. Close the lid. Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish. Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water. Quick note: If your wife is screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing.. that is called domesticus interruptus and it really is frustrating for women. Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down This is best used as the quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this one. When you put the toilet seat up.... put it back down... Every time. I know... I know.. you almost can't take any more verbal titillation. Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It is incredible... it definitely saves the best for last. You don't have to thank me... no.. really. Good luck all you blokes out there. How To Cook A Fucking Steak Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don't give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt-rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here-and toss it around the bottom of the pan. When the pan is hot as all fuck--it should scorch the shit out of your finger if you're stupid enough to touch it--put the fucking steak on there. You can crack some pepper on the top of the steak as the bottom is searing, but don't even talk to me about garlic or onion powder or COMPOUND FUCKING BUTTER, asshole. This is steak, all you fucking need is salt and pepper. After a bit (3 minutes for pink, 5 for cooked good), flip that shit over and do the same fucking thing you just did with the other side, i.e. sit on your ass and wait for your motherfucking steak to be ready, you useless assbag. When you're done, sling that shit on a plate. Beringer's 1996 Cabernet Sauvignon Napa Valley Private Reserve makes an absolutely delightful accompaniment, particularly if you've taken care to let it breathe a bit before quaffing. Also, make some fucking potatoes, because that's what you eat with a fucking steak. God, sometimes I just want to smack the shit out of you. On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host. The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?" "Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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