December 14th Stolen Jokes
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Dec 14, 2010, 1:04:40 AM12/14/10
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Tuesday, Dec 14, 2010 |
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A married couple was on holiday in the Middle East and they came upon the main city bazaar. They walked around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman say, "You foreigners? Come in my friends. Come into my humble shop. Salam a leekem!" (hello in english) So the couple walked in. The bazaar merchant says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." After hearing this statement, the wife became intrigued and encouraged her husband to try them on. Her husband smirked and winked at his wife, with the comment, " I don't think I really need them." But since they were having fun in the bazaar, he asked the merchant, "So, how could sandals make you into a sex animal?" The merchant smiled and replied, "Just try them on, my friend, trust me!" Well, in the combined spirit of goodwill and after much badgering from his wife, he finally consented to try them on. The husband put the shoes on and and a wild look seemed to appear in his eyes, something his wife has not seen in many years - the look of raw sexual power. In a blink of the eye, the husband rushed the merchant, threw him on the table and started tearing at the guys pants. While trying to run away, the bazaar merchant is yelling non-stop, "You've got the shoes on the wrong feet...You've got the shoes the wrong feet!!" WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES* A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . . No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer. That's what beer does... Never mind. Dennis A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband." The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have a hutch back of Notre Dame. Palm Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table. Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future." Paul readily agreed and the palm reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend." "That's true," said Paul. "Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?" "Yes," Paul shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from the 'love line' on my palm?" "Love line? No, from the calluses." A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ... on one condition..." Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said... "Clean my house."
Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D. "He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it has to be her." "Don't worry too much," advised the doctor. "These things happen." "I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the same symptoms." "That's unfortunate." "Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife." "Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it." Fat Along with all of the eye-candy summertime brings (which of course we all spend a good chunk of the day monitoring), you can also see some truly horrifying sights. The other day, I saw a woman whose entire 300 pound frame was clearly convinced that she was Britney Spears and dressed accordingly. I understand that much of it has to do with the fashions of the day, but if you think that low-rider jeans are equal opportunity then you are dumber than Jessica Simpson. I have compiled a list of terms that describe the types of fat found on most big-boned, I-only-eat-salad-with-blue-cheese-dressing-kinds of fat girls. Fatty Tuna Rolls - The pinched fat on or around the hips caused by low-rise pants in size 4 when you are really a size 12. Skate Wings - The puckered fat hanging from the triceps, similar in texture to the eponymous fish and revealed by teeny-weeny tank tops. Pulled Pork - The red-tinted stretch marks on one's underbelly made visible by a combination of low-rise pants and tiny tanks. Sausage Links - The obvious similarity of obese fingers to the summer barbeque delicacy. Those afflicted should be required to wear mittens year round. Tootsie Rolls - The somewhat utilitarian back fat often accentuated by brassieres purchased 4 years and 50 pounds ago. I have seen these large enough to provide temporary storage for things like remote controls and chicken wings. Bone-in Rib Eye (also known as the cankle) - This phenomenon is seen in short-wearers whose calf connects directly to the foot. No ankle. Passion Fruit Soufflé - Sometimes when the breasts outgrow the bra they simply spill over it like a muffin top or a rising soufflé. Too much of these is probably how you got into this whole mess anyway. Jelly Bellies - This one should be self-explanatory. And it's disgusting. Amuse Course - Ever get a HUGE plate with an itsy bit of fancy food? Just like a face adrift in multiple chin and cheek fat. Double Burger - Sometimes when the stomach extends forward past the breasts, it can provide adequate support without requiring a bra. I bet this looks really funny upside down. If you have any of the items on this list then get off your fat, lazy ass and get to the gym. In the meanwhile, try to shop someplace more appropriate. Like Lane Bryant. Golf An American guy travels to Japan on business. After 3 days of intense meetings, he's exhausted. After work he decides to go out and get some dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. Well, after a few beers and some saki, he's feeling a little horny. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action. They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room. The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it! The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!" The CEO turns to him and says, "What do mean, wrong hole?" A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon. After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family. Since this was a new home, the process took some time. The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers. A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get. They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line: "Guess who sent them." The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time. On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value. And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: "Now you know!"
Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is
shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around
December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the
jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net.
The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs.
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