December 18th Stolen Jokes

[jo...@stolen-jokes.com]

		Saturday, Dec 18, 2010	Select a Date from this month's jokes     1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31   SJ Links Soap Box Home Page Lynne's Helpful Hints Toons & Pics Pic 1 Pic 2 Pic 3 Pic 4 Pic 5 Random Pics You Tube General Sponsors Amazon.com for thousands of items, musics, electronics, Blu Ray & DVD players...you name it, they got it. To subscribe or unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE
	A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide." The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." Gynecologist A gynecologist has a burning desire to become an auto mechanic, so she signs up for a class. When the time comes for her practical exam, she prepares carefully and performs the test with tremendous skill. When the results come back she sees that she has scored 150%. Fearing that there's been an error she asks her instructor how she could have scored better than perfect. The teacher replies: "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, that is worth 50%. You put it back together perfectly which was worth another 50%." "So, how does that make 150%?" She inquired... The instructor answers, "I just had to give you an extra 50% because you did it all through the tailpipe!" A man dressed in Harley Davidson leathers is visiting the zoo in Toronto, Ontario, when he sees a little girl leaning into the bars of the lion's cage.  Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker, without hesitation, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.  Whimpering from pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A Canadian press reporter has watched the whole event.  The reporter addressing the biker says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life." The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars.  I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt." The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed.  I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page.  So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?" The biker replies, "I'm a police officer in town for the G20 and a Conservative."  The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:  "CANADIAN COP ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH" That pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days. A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and asked to be taken to LaGuardia airport. While stuck in the traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of adventure?" "What do you mean?" the cabbie asked. The man said, "Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not drive me there? The meeting will last only an hour. I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow." The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went. They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana, and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting (while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the meter read $4,632.85. When they got back to the businessman's office in Manhattan, the man told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you a certified check. I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable tip for your service." "Great," the cab driver said, "thanks." "One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to drive me home, please. I'm dead tired." the man said. The cabbie asked, "Where do you live?" "Brooklyn." He said. The Cabbie exclaimed, "No way mister!!! I'd have to drive back over the Tri-Boro bridge without a passenger!" Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php   and   www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php A football player with the San Francisco 49ers had an eye gouged out during a particularly violent game.  Inspired by his coach's pep talks he refuses to give up the game and has a glass eye fitted.  Although he is still able to play football, he knows that he is not the same player he was before. Also, off the field he is having a hard time adjusting, he constantly feels self conscious about the glass eye. His doctor gives him the good news that complete eye transplants are now possible.  But the bad news is that there's a chronic lack of donors and the waiting list is about five years. One night, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, his glass eye fails to detect a guy trying to go around his car on a motorcycle. He changes lanes and sends the motorcycle flying. It's late at night and nobody's around and it's clear to the football player that the cyclist is dead.  He makes a quick decision and cuts out one of the cyclists eyes with his pen knife.  He figures if he rushes it to his surgeon he'll be able to perform the transplant. Before he leaves he pops out his glass eye and places it in the cyclist's eye socket. Everything is fine for a few weeks, his new eye is working perfectly. But he starts to worry about the cyclist.  Everything had happened so fast - what if he wasn't dead after all? He decided to call the local police station and enquire about the accident. "Yes, the poor fellow was dead alright," said the officer, "but it's still all very mysterious." The guy felt a chill of fear run up and down his spine, "Mysterious?" he asked. "Yeah, how the hell did he manage to ride his bike all the way up here from Los Angeles with two glass eyes?" In the north of England lived a man, poorly educated, who made a large fortune by selling his design for a bicycle chain. With this money he set about realizing his childhood ambition to become a country squire. He purchased a beautiful estate near the Scottish border, and proceeded, with the help of some excellent servants, to live in a manner none in his family had ever dreamed of. Foremost of these servants was his butler, Jeeves, a well educated man who assisted his master in every way he could to better himself. The master would often ask Jeeves for advice on how to handle a social situation, or to explain a new term. One day when the master was reading he called Jeeves in and asked, "Jeeves, what is this fox pass?" "Sir," replied Jeeves, "that would be 'faux pas'. I'll give you an example. Do you remember recently when Lord and Lady Plushbottom stayed for the weekend? And do you remember how on Sunday morning Lord Plushbottom pricked his finger on a rose? And do you further remember how later, at breakfast, Lady Plushbottom asked her husband 'Is your prick still throbbing dear?' and you said 'Christ!' and I dropped the marmalade? That, Sir, was a faux pas." Stan Angel When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure. The pressure on the toymakers was so great that they were putting Raggedy Andy heads on the Raggedy Anne bodies, bicycle back wheels on the front, and wagon tongues on the back. Hula hoops were somehow coming off the assembly line as Möbius strips. A half-million of the new lap-tops were assembled without the hard drive, and so on. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, and that news stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered. Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.. Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open.There stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. We've seen how frustrating things have been for you lately, and we want you to feel better. I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to put it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Snooker Steve Davis, the world champion snooker player, got married and it was the first night of his honeymoon. His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress. Presently Steve came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn't utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis. This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed. Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her. Steve simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across the glistening, throbbing penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs. It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, "For God's sake what are you waiting for?" Steve gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis, blew the loose chalk off its end, smiled and looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, "I'm trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink." I went to the pub with my grandfather and bought a couple of pints of beer. My grandfather looked at his beer for a second and then, "SLURP", he drank it down in one. "Are you alright grandad?" I asked. "Yep" he said. So, I went to the bar and bought another two pints. Again, he looked at it for a second and then, "SLURP", down it all went again in one go. "Come on grandad. Tell me why you're drinking like that." "It's ever since the accident," he said. "What accident's that?" I asked. "I was in here last night and some bastard spilled my beer." It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs. One Liners We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse! If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your ass will be soaking wet. Some people can tell time by looking at the sun, but I've never been able to see the numbers. Joe and Tom were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Shit," Joe said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" Tom asked. Joe replied "The damn elastic in the legs is killing me!" Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? If you walk, just walk. If you sit, just sit. But whatever you do, don't wobble. Everybodys gotta be someplace and this is MY place. So, get outta here and find your own place. --Lawrence I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed... I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out It is easier to get forgiveness than permission It's a small world. But I wouldn't want to paint it. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser.

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