December 19th Stolen Jokes

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		Sunday, Dec 19, 2010	Select a Date from this month's jokes     1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31   SJ Links Soap Box Home Page Lynne's Helpful Hints Toons & Pics Pic 1 Pic 2 Pic 3 Pic 4 Pic 5 Random Pics You Tube General Sponsors Amazon.com for thousands of items, musics, electronics, Blu Ray & DVD players...you name it, they got it. To subscribe or unsubscribe from this ezine: Yahoo Groups member click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE Google Groups click here to UNSUBSCRIBE or to SUBSCRIBE
	Give Me A Push It was Christmas Eve. Harry and Shirley had returned from an enjoyable midnight mass at their local church. They arrived home and spent a short while relaxing by an open fire before retiring to bed. Some time in the middle of the night they were awoken by heavy knocking on their front door. Harry was very unhappy about this. He went down stairs and noisily unlocked the door to be confronted by disheveled man who was obviously the worse for drink. 'Th'cuse me thur. Will you helpth me with a puth." "Help you with a push!" said Harry. "You drunken idiot! Get away from my house before I call the police! Irresponsible people like you should be banned from driving!" And slammed the door into the man's face. He went back to bed and was astonished to find himself being reprimanded by his wife. "How could you be so mean and uncharitable." she said. "Surely this evening's sermon must still be ringing in your ears. How the innkeeper turned Joseph and Mary away on Christmas Eve. Here you are presented with the same situation and you show yourself to be no better than that uncaring man. Shame on you." Harry was shocked by the relevance of what he had done and was full of remorse. He ran down the stairs and opened the front door, but the man was no longer there. So, he ran down the path to his front gate to see if the man or his car was along the road; but there was no traffic or people at all. On the off-chance that the man might still be around somewhere he shouted loudly. "Hey mister, needing a push, where are you? The unmistakable drunken voice replied immediately. "Over here thur, on the thwing." Clean Living It was Christmas and everyone seemed to he having a great time, but Father O'Rourke was not. He suddenly said to Father Kelly 'You know what. I'm fed up with all this good behaviour and clean living. Why don't go out and have good old sinful night out. We could drink, go with loose women and do whatever takes our fancy.' Are you mad?' replied Father Kelly 'This is a small town. Everyone knows who we are.' 'I don't mean we should do it here.' said his colleague. 'We could dress like everyone else and take the train to the city' After much persuasion Father Kelly agreed to do so and off they went that night and partied until morning. They arrived home very much the worse for wear and it was then that the enormity of what they had done began to dawn on Father Kelly. 'Oh my God. We're going to have to confess our misdemeanor.' 'Don't worry.' replied Father O'Rourke 'I've already thought about this. You get changed and go into the confessional and I'll tell you all about my misdeeds and you can absolve me. Then, I'll do the same for you.' So, a short while later Father O'Rourke went to the church and entered the confessional. 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I went out with a friend to celebrate Christmas ast night and got drunk, had sexual relations with women, danced to wicked music and used foul language.' Father Kelly replied 'God is patient and forgiving and so am I. Do five Our Fathers, five Hail Marys and your sins will be forgiven.' A short while later their positions were reversed and Father Kelly confessed everything in great detail. 'This is an outrage.' exclaimed Father O'Rourke. 'What kind of priest are you? Do five hundred Our Fathers, Five hundred Hail Marys, donate all you income for the next three months to the church, go right round the church on your knees fifty times, asking God's forgiveness as you do so. Then come back to me and maybe I'll consider absolution.' 'What?' said the astonished Father Kelly 'What about our agreement?' Father O'Rourke replied 'What I do with my time off is one thing, but I take my job very seriously.' Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? "I'm four and a half" You're never 36 and a half... but you're four and a half going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony... you 'become' 21... "Yes!" But then you turn 30... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk ... He turned, so we had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong? What changed? You 'become' 21, you 'turn' 30, then you're 'pushing' 40... stay over there, it's all slipping away... Then you 'reach' 50 and 'make it' to 60... (You didn't think you'd make it!) So you become 21, you turn 30, you're pushing 40, you reach 50, you make it to 60... then you build up so much speed you hit 70! And after that, it's a day by day thing. From there you hit Wednesday, then Thursday. You get into your 80's, you hit lunchtime. You turn 4:30. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. (It's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.) And it doesn't end there... into the 90's you start going backwards. "I was just 92." Finally a strange thing happens: If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again and say, "I'm 100 and a half." Christmas is Coming, save yourself the hassle of going to the mall, do all your shopping here! Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php   and   www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Once upon a time there was a little girl named Kitty, who wanted a kitten for Christmas. Her mother couldn't buy a kitten and parcel it up for Christmas Day, so she bought it a week before Christmas and gave it to the little girl. 'You're getting your Christmas present a week early this year,' her mother explained as she handed over the fluffy little tabby kitten. 'Is that what you want?' Kitty said, 'It's wonderful, mother...just what I wanted, but there's just one thing wrong!' 'What's that?' her mother asked. 'Well, it has a cute little claw on the outside of every paw and another little claw on the inside of every paw - but the poor little thing has no claws at all in the middle of its paws!' Her mother smiled. 'Don't worry, Kitty. When you wake up on Christmas morning you'll find the claws are there.' Now Kitty loved her kitten dearly, but she worried about the claws in the middle of its paws. The days passed and there wasn't even a hint, a clue or an inkling of claws in the middle of its paws. When Christmas Eve arrived and there was still no sign, Kitty went to her mother and asked again, 'Are you absolutely sure that the kitten will have its middle claws tomorrow? There's only a few hours to go and there's not a hint or clue or an inkling as to claws as far as I can see.' 'Wait till you wake up on Christmas morning,' her mother smiled and went on stuffing the turkey. So Kitty went to sleep a worried girl. When she woke up on Christmas morning she ignored the presents in her stocking and rushed downstairs to look at her little kitten. She was astounded, amazed and just a little surprised to see that her kitten had four claws on every paw! The middle ones had appeared as if by magic. Kitty rushed to her parent's bedroom. 'Mummy, Mummy! The kitten has grown its middle claws!' 'Of course it has,' her mother grinned. 'But how did you know?' Kitty demanded. Her father rolled over sleepily and sighed, 'Oh, Kitty, everybody knows that Centre-claws always comes at Christmas!' Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time!" 3 ill men Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead!" Christmas Forecast Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. Looking ahead to the next two days, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone. It is time for me to hang it up. Jokes-N-Toons and the rest of the Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years.The last installments will be sent around December 31st. If anyone is interested in purchasing the domain, all the jokes and over 5000 cartoons, send an email to me at t...@tom-evans.net. The domains do make a little money, enough to cover the server costs. One Liners How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Personally, I'll never be impressed by people who go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. If they made a round trip, maybe! When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? While reading a meter for the power company, I noticed that a bush at one house was sculpted in the shape of a duck. Then I read the customer's name: Quackenbush. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame." Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. I've had amnesia for as long as I can remember. Okay! I love you! Now can we eat? I have a million dollar figure-but it's all loose change! To some , marriage is a word, to others a sentence. A watched pot never boils, try turning on the heat For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser.

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