December 31st Stolen Jokes
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Dec 31, 2010, 1:02:54 AM12/31/10
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Friday, Dec 31, 2010 |
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A guy was hitch-hiking on a very dark and stormy night. The night was getting on and no cars went by. Suddenly he saw a car roll slowly toward him and stop. Without thinking about it, the guy jumped into the back seat and closed the door when he suddenly realized there was nobody behind the wheel! Just then the car started slowly rolling forward again. He was beginning to get really freaked out when he noticed a curve in the road ahead. He was just thinking about climbing into the front seat when a hand mysteriously appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve. Gathering his courage, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same restaurant. They were looking around for a table when one said to the other, "Hey, look, isn't that the jerk who got in the car when we were pushing it?" A Plausible Explanation? One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple and wondered about men and women. So, looking up to the heavens, he said, "Excuse me, God, can I ask you a few questions?" God replied, "Go on, Adam, but be quick. I have a world to create." So Adam said, "When you created Eve, why did you make her body so curved and tender unlike mine?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did you give her long, shiny, beautiful hair, and not me?" "I did that, Adam, so that you could love her." "Oh, well then, why did you make her so stupid? Certainly not so that I could love her?" "Well, Adam, no. I did that so that she could love you." A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Gilbert, AZ, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" "No," he replied, "hemorrhoids." Two little children, a boy and a girl, walked hand-in-hand to a neighbor's house. Standing on her tip-toes, the little girl was just able to reach the doorbell. A woman greeted them and asked what they wanted. "We're playing house," the little girl answered. "This is my husband and I am his wife. May we come in?" Thoroughly enchanted by the scene confronting her, the lady said, "By all means, do come in." Once inside, she offered the children lemonade and cookies which they graciously accepted. When a second tall glass of lemonade was offered, the little girl refused by saying, "No thank you. We have to go now. My husband just wet his pants." Teenagers Are Like Cats. How so? Well, consider: Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his (or her) right mind wants to be seen in public with his (or her) parents. Even if you tell jokes as well as David Letterman, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile. No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did. Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom. No cat nor any teenager has ever improved anyone's furniture. Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior. Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. Remember above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned. Visit the Stolen Jokes/JNT Amazon.com Super Store by clicking this link Amazon.com or copy/paste astore.amazon.com/stoljoke-20 into your browser. Visit these two links for a list of my sponsors, several of them have super savings through the holiday season. www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999a.php and www.stolen-jokes.com/include/ZCBad999b.php Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo. $800/month plus 1/2 utilities. Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair. SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage. Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I'm-4you. SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone. Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live. SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting. Seeks aloof, analytic whimp. SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F. SM: Seeking an adventurous SF Interested in underwater bondage with or w/o scuba gear And albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please. SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler Wishes to meet woman of similar interests Must be ambidextrous. DWF: Crazy ppl Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good furniture, Police lineups and locking your friends in closets, We already have three things in common ! Let's get together. DM: Physician, 35 Desires to meet that special woman with real inner beauty. Send latest X-rays. DWM: Compulsive Liar Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus. SWM: 32, my life's work is verifying, in detail, all the episodes shown on "The X-Files". ISO SWF with like dedication. Must be willing to travel a lot While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messes up and lands on its tail rotor. The landing is so hard it breaks off the tail boom. However the chopper, fortunately, remains upright on its skids, sliding down the runway, doing 360s. As the Cobra slides past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this radio exchange takes place. Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?" Cobra: "I don't know, Tower, we ain't done crashin' yet." Waitress A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all velly velly hungry." The waitress asks, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, First Come, First Served!" A woman had a magic well. She would put her pail on the edge of the well and clap her hands; the well would dispense a measured amount of water into the pail. The only problem was that the well would never give out the same amount of water. This distressed the woman and she decided that she would consult the neighborhood priest. She showed the priest the problem, and the priest decided the well was infected with some sort of malicious spirit. The priest then proceeded to pray and bless the well with holy water. He then instructed the woman to place the pail on the edge of the well and to clap her hands. This time the well filled the pail 1/4 full. The priest then instructed the woman to place the pail a little to the left of the previous spot and to clap her hands. This time the pail was filled 1/2 full. The priest then told the woman to move the pail just a bit further to the left and to clap her hands. This time the pail was filled to the brim and made the woman very happy. Each day the woman enjoyed the pleasure of getting a full pail of water, as long as she placed the pail in the same exact spot. She thanked the priest every time she saw him. One day the priest decided to take the bishop to the woman's home to demonstrate the procedure. After seeing the woman go through the steps and the subsequent filling of the pail, the bishop remarked, "I see you have trained her well." Spoons A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he accidentally knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?" The waiter replied, "Yes sir. Ever since we had an efficiency expert out, he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to get my penis out, go, and return to work. Since I don't actually touch myself, there's no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time." "Wait a minute," said the diner. "How do you get your penis back in your pants???" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon!!" I'm out cruising and I go thru this stop sign and I get pulled over by a local policeman. I hand him my driver's license, insurance verification and registration plus my concealed carry permit. "Okay," he says, "I see you have a CCW permit. Are you carrying today?" "Yes sir, I am." "Well then, better tell me what you got." I said, "Well, I have a Glock 27, 40 cal. in my inside coat pocket, there's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box and, I have a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot." "Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?" "Yes, back in the trunk there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it." "Then he asked me, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?" I replied "Nope." "Well then, what are you afraid of...?" To which I answered "Not a damn thing..." It is time for me to hang it up.The Stolen Jokes family is shutting down after 6 years. This will be the last regular issue. I may from time-to-time update you on the IP address of JNT and SJ so you can go online to view any updates.Thanks for your patronage.  
Trivia The strawberry is the only agricultural product that bears its seeds on the outside. Brown eggs have thicker shells, which makes them great for boiled eggs...they don't crack as easily. When potatoes were first introduced to Europe, people were skeptical and only ate the leaves, which made them sick. They would then throw away the rest, including the actual spud. The woolly mammoth, extinct since the Ice Age, had tusks almost 16 feet high. The first penny candy to be wrapped in America was the Tootsie Roll in 1896. The reason why bubble gum is pink is because the inventor only had pink colouring left. Ever since then, the colour of bubble gum has been predominantly pink. The name for Ivory Soap was inspired by a verse from the Bible. Harley Proctor got though of the name when the minister read from Psalms 45:8, "All thy garments smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia, out of the ivory palaces whereby they have made thee glad." When telephone companies first began hiring telephone operators, they chose teenage boys for the job. They switched to women because the teenage boys were wrestling instead of working and pulling pranks on callers. The first jigsaw puzzle was created by map maker John Splisbury who mounted one of his maps on a sheet of hardwood. He proceeded to cut around the borders of each country use a fine saw. he most expensive perfume in the world is Parfum VI, which was made by Arthur Burnham. A 4 inch bottle which is covered with diamonds and 24-carat gold costs $71,380. What flower was appointed by Congress as the national flower? The national flower is the rose. When baby Opossums are born, they are so small that an entire litter can fit in a tablespoon. They live inside their mother's pouch for three months before climbing out and riding on her back. Nero and Henry VIII were both relatively good rulers when they assumed power, but both became bloodstained tyrants. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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