December 23rd Stolen Jokes
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Dec 23, 2010, 1:04:06 AM12/23/10
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Thursday, Dec 23, 2010 |
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Clifford Clarke was a careless chap. Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread and eventually he became a pariah. No one would ask him to a party for fear of damage. Then one charitable, kindly woman felt sorry for him. "C. C. can't be all that bad," she said. "The poor soul deserves one more chance." So she sent an invitation to the loutish fellow and to display her faith further, she put on her finest dress for the occasion. Clifford arrived on the dot and for the first hour managed to avoid disaster. It was not until refreshments were served that the customary accident happened. He spilled his entire cup of black coffee over his hostess' evening dress which she had bought that summer in Paris for a lot of money. Tearfully gazing at her ruined gown, flushed with anger, she turned on her clumsy guest and exclaimed, "Go, and never darken my Dior again!" Fart There was an old married couple that had happily lived together for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife, and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to see a doctor to see if anything could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "shoot his guts out." The years went by, and the wife continued to suffer, and the husband continued to ignore her warnings about "shooting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal. Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. The wife could not control herself, and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing, and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife. "Well you always told me that I would end up shooting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of good Lord and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in." Yooper Airlines We Are Pleased To Announce Yooper Air Is Now Operating In Minnysota. Also Serving Visconsin, Nort And Sout Dakota and da U.P. in Mitchegan.If you are travelin soon, consider Yooper Air, da no- frills airline. You're all in da same boat on Yooper Air, where flyin is a upliftin experience. Dere is no first class on any Yooper Air flight. Meals are potluck. Rows 1-6, bring rolls; 7-15, bring a salad; 16-21, a main dish, and 22-30, a dessert. Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft. Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage. All fares are by free will offering and da plane will not land 'til da budget is met. Pay attention to your flight attendant, who will acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Yooper Air. Okay den, lesten up. I'm only gonna say dis vonce. In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly going to be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because we fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure vould probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I vouldn't bodar with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes. You're gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair little holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest wit you, we're going to have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it. In da event of a water landing, I'd say forget it. Start saying da Lord's Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive doze who sin against us, which some people say trespass against us,' which isn't right, but what can you do? Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because daymay confuse da plane's navigation system, which is done by da seat of da pants all da way. No, it's because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God meant you to use a cell phone, He would have put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it's buffet style with da coffee pot up front. Den we'll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pocket in front of you. Don't take yours wit you when you go or I am going to be real upset and I am not a kiddin! To understand this ~ it really helps if you are from Mitchegen........Ya. eh? Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church events Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat. She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake." So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home. When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold. Alice was beside herself. The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon. After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert. Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it myself." Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible. When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was. I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo." It's a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu." Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita. Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged. "But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon." replied Rosita. Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me." Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu." Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang..... "Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year." MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!! Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation. "How'd you die?" the first man asks the second. "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" "I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says. "What do you mean?" asks the first man. "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." As my wife and I ate our picnic lunch in a rest area somewhere along I-95 in Virginia this past weekend, we watched a crew finishing up what must have been an arduous task on that hot and humid morning. Along the highway shoulder were four or five enormous tree stumps. A backhoe, a grader, and assorted random hand tools were neatly lined up at the end of the parking lot. While we watched, the last of the mounds of dirt was pushed back into its hole and the crew went to work with the shovels and rakes, straightening things out and making the ground as level and even as possible. They walked back to the table at the side, and a lone fellow came out with a burlap sack on his belt and proceeded to very carefully distribute next year's lawn across the surface of the project. For our part, we returned to our car and headed for the exit. As I went up the acceleration lane and merged into traffic, my beloved turned around and continued to watch through the rear window -- that lone fellow, round and round, back and forth, reseeding in the distance.  
Trivia America's official national Christmas tree is located in King's Canyon National Park in California. The tree, a giant sequoia called the "General Grant Tree," is over 300 feet (90 meters) high. It was made the official Christmas tree in 1925. An artificial spider and web are often included in the decorations on Ukrainian Christmas trees. A spider web found on Christmas morning is believed to bring good luck. An average household in America will mail out 28 Christmas cards each year and see 28 eight cards return in their place. Animal Crackers are not really crackers, but cookies that were imported to the United States from England in the late 1800s. Barnum's circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on a Christmas tree. As early as 1822, the postmaster in Washington, D.C. was worried by the amount of extra mail at Christmas time. His preferred solution to the problem was to limit by law the number of cards a person could send. Even though commercial cards were not available at that time, people were already sending so many home-made cards that sixteen extra postmen had to be hired in the city. At Christmas, Ukrainians prepare a traditional twelve-course meal. A family's youngest child watches through the window for the evening star to appear, a signal that the feast can begin. The city of Venice stands on about 120 small islands. Fossil evidence shows that turkeys roamed the Americas 10 million years ago. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower. Though bigger than any other animal's, an elephant's ears don't help it hear better. Elephants have poor hearing. A labeorphilist is a collector of beer bottles. When the Superior Dome, at Northern Michigan University, opened in 1991, it boasted the world's largest wooden dome. Carolus Linnaeus, the Swedish genius who devised the naming system of living things, was a fervent believer in sea monsters, citing numerous reports of fishermen. Unlike most other large cats, snow leopards cannot roar. Hiccups happen when the diaphragm, the muscle that controls our breathing, becomes irritated and start to spasm and contract uncontrollably. With each contraction, air is pulled into the lungs very quickly, passes through the voice box, and then the epiglottis closes behind the rush of air, shaking the vocal chords, causing the "hic" sound. The irritation can be caused by rapid eating, emotional stress and even some diseases. The best cure? Breathing into a paper bag. This calms the diaphragm by increasing the amount of carbon dioxide in your bloodstream. The length from your wrist to your elbow is the same as the length of your foot. Your heart beats 101,000 times a day. During your lifetime it will beat about 3 billion times and pump about 400 million litres (800 million pints) of blood. Your mouth produces 1 litre (1.8 pints) of saliva a day. On average, people can hold their breath for one minute. The world record is seven-and-a-half minutes. For a list of all Stolen Jokes sponsors Click HERE or copy/paste this http://www.stolen-jokes.com/include/XCB.php into your browser. | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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