Did Jew? Hash Trash - May 2006
Southern IL Hash House Harriers Rep
God I hate selling TVs. Anyways it was a wonderful
morning and I thought it would be excellent day for a
run. I figured hey the run was at 3 and I was going
to get out of the store at 2:30 so 30 minutes to get
to the lake for the run. About 10am I get the news
that all the other flounders lost their nuts the night
before so I was going to be solo on this run.
(VAGINAS!) So at 2:08 I run out the door hehe what
they don’t know won’t get me fired. I get to the lake
just before three and no one is here. “Oh great here
we go again,” runs through my mind. Our attendance at
the last run left something to be desired, but by a
quarter after 3 a decent sized group had showed up.
So after a brief chalk talk by the hares we blew them
off and I thought we might have a pretty good run.
Now I think being a hare is a pretty important job,
and since I am “married” to one of the hares I have
only one thing to say. Those fucking two will NEVER
EVER EVER fucking do another trail as long as I hash,
before I forget Hot Doggy and No Name Jennifer were
the hares. Now either the pack pissed off the hares
or it was that time of the month because it was
probably the hardest hash trail this pack has ever
seen. With-in minutes of going into the wood the pack
was surrounded by poison ivy and made to see-saw on
tree limbs and such. Now we try to keep everything
clean in the hash if you haven’t been to one yet, but
we just happened to encounter a couple of turtles at
the start of the trail. Now far be it from me to say
what a turtle can and can’t do, but I think that they
need to procreate in the comfort of their own logs or
homes. Upon the sight of the humping turtles No Name
Terri fell in a hole obviously out of shock of what
she saw! Now having known that my wife was in charge
of this trail I decided then and there to break away
from the pack and see how they faired on their
lonesome for the first time. This was the first time
the pack didn’t have one of the flounders with them so
I was curious on how they would do. No Name Barry in
tow we took off up a hill and continued to the beer
check way ahead of the pack. We did seem to have a
follower though. No name Eric and no name Annie
brought their dog Maggie, who now shall be known as
the first official Hash Hound of the SOIL HHH. The
trail went through the wood up many hills, but not
down very many. Let me explain my sentence “through
the wood” you see most of the time we follow some sort
of trail or road, but this trail just went through
some sort of field of never ending poison ivy.
Finally the beer check was found, and guess were the
beer sat? In a patch of poison ivy….stupid hares!
Now I have seen Turkey trails and eagle trails before
but the hares offered a great penalty for those not
brave enough to do the turkey trail. The hares
decreed that any turkeys that did not wish to continue
that they had to take the beer back home to the
start/finish and wait in shame. I was briefly torn
between my love for the hash in honor of the hare’s
hard work to go on to the eagle trail and my love for
the beer that would be leaving my side. With great
remorse I longingly looked over my shoulder at the
cooler as it was carried away from me and I went down
the hill through EVEN MORE poison ivy to find the
trail. This trail had everything, a lake, a creek,
woods, and wide open fields it was a great trail.
Besides being lost at one point because the hares ran
out of hash it was great. At one point the evil hares
made the pack go under a thorn bush, but the trick was
not to put down your hands because once again there
was poison ivy all over the floor of the wood. On the
way back No name Eric and I had a great scare because
the hash hound decided it would run off and not come
back to its name being called over and over again.
Finally she returned and the trail was finished by the
FRB’s. Once we all settled down waiting for the rest
of the pack we all came to a shocking
realization....it got REALLY cold. As we waited for
what seemed like hours we wondered if the rest of the
pack had gotten lost because the FRB’s had taken a
vital clue to the trail (WHOOPS!). Finally the pack
all was rejoined and the circle could start!!!
From what I can remember it was a LONG and horrible
ceremony without our beloved RA, but I will piece
together what I can remember. The first act was to
honor the hares…oh and they were honored with boos and
hisses. Then came the honoring of Hot Doggy for her
Birthday the next day. Next came the naming of five
of our hashers. This was the first big group of
hashers that were to be named. The following five
were named at our humble ceremony: No Name Barry, No
Name Jay, No Name Amy, No Name Karen, and No Name
Sumant. So much naming so little time. As the bitter
cold started to set in the naming began. First was
Amy as she was so scared to receive her name, the pack
listened as Amy pleaded and begged for us to be kind,
hehehe yea right. Amy was sent off into the woods in
shame with the Hash Hound trailing behind her, the
pack talked for a few minutes and went through name
after name, Beast Mistress…too kind, Eager Eagle….too
lame, Nut Cracker…too painful (right guys?), Trunk ‘N’
Nuts…yea…no way….finally we all came to an agreement
and we called Amy back to receive her new name. From
this day forward and forever more Amy shall be known
as Chesty Nuts, because of her feminine attributes and
because of her obsession of chest nuts. Next up was
No Name Jay, quite arguably the oldest hasher on the
planet, we are still checking the record books on this
one, but we think he is. Jay got up on stage and
pleaded his case and then was told to take his walker
into the wood and have a nice stroll, but not to go
too far because he was to take his meds soon. Knowing
Jay on a personal level you have to know that he has
this ability to make horrible
HOOOORRRRRIIIIBBBBLLLLLEEEE puns, he also likes to
wear the Indiana Jones hat, I have always said that if
he would just wear the bullwhip on his hip that he
might be cool but he isn’t listening. He also seems
to have a can of Budweiser in his hand at all times,
not that I have any problem with that, actually I
salute it. Anyways the pack threw name after name
out; Indiana Squirrel Muncher?, Toxic Jayest, Tree
Wiser, PUNishment, finally the pack lured the old man
back with promises of Matlock re-runs. When he
returned we let it be known that from this day forth
he shall be known as Indiana PUNwiser! Next up was No
Name Barry, Barry pleaded his case and was told to
take a walk. Now apparently Barry’s legs were bad or
his hearing was bad because he didn’t quite walk too
far away and was eavesdropping. So he heard all of
the names we threw in for the vote. Bald Barry,
Balder Dash, Wet N Wild, and Drive it Wet, but as one
name was suggested I decided as acting flounder I
would use my unrelenting power to select a name
without a vote, so from this day forth Barry the
eavesdropper shall be known as Short Rudder! I told
you this was a long ceremony and we were only half way
through! The next name up on the list was No Name
Karen! Karen said her piece and was sent into the
woods to ponder her situation, most names seemed to be
themed around one Freudian theme Oral Skillz, Oral Bi
Traveler, Short Sweden Sucker, and Numarally bi oral
were all thrown to the cutting room floor. Karen came
back to receive her name and everyone was happy to
hear ORAL 4 ALL shouted throughout the wood. Then we
all realized that it was Karen’s new name. Some of us
were not as happy as we first thought, but then we
realized that beer was here and we had another name to
go! The last but not least name was No Name Sumant.
Sumant happens to be from New Delphi and he spoke his
piece and went off to the wood to ponder what he had
gotten himself into. As the pack voted down U want
sumant, Cow Mantra, Sumantra Deli, and Cum Get Sum’,
we finally found a name we could all love. Sumant
came back in high spirits, we think he took a beer
with him into the wood, anyways from this day forth
Sumant shall be known as Kama Sumantra!
Besides the naming the religion was quite normal. The
only thing that sticks out in my mind is that during
the penalty phase besides having to drink 4 or 5
myself the newly anointed Short Rudder soaked himself
with about two beers because he could not finish the
down down set before him. All in all it was a great
hash, as I sit here and scratch my poison ivy and
worry about lime disease from ticks I only have two
warnings for our hashers in the future. Number one
wear jeans. Number two lots of bug spray will keep
ticks off of you.
Thank you Hashers and Good Night!! ON ON!
Did Jew?
did...@soilhhh.com
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Tired of spam? Yahoo! Mail has the best spam protection around
http://mail.yahoo.com