Hash Trash Two Much Beer!

[Southern IL Hash House Harriers Rep]

Part I: Before the Trail

 

Setting: A peaceful afternoon at the Cedar Lake Boat Dock near Pomona. Waterfowl were flying overhead and the only terrestrial movement was the activities of two groups of fishermen lowering there watercraft down the ramp.

            Out of nowhere come two red pickup trucks and a silver SUV careening around the tight final corner of the street leading to the dock. One of the pickups fishtails and the SUV almost flips over (as SUV’s tend to do at times). The Southern Illinois Hash House Harriers have arrived.

            Like a flash, the SUV is opened and the first beers are opened and drained in celebration of the arrival. ToeJam was there, so was Habeas Whore Piss, Local Yokel, and Short Circuit, four of the five members of mismanagement. Beer in hand, we then took a head count. Where was Did You?

            After a phone call HWP determined that Did You? was about to leave his house. This did not surprise mismanagement because, after all, there was still preparation work to be done!

            After some final prep of the trail Habeas and Circuit returned to the Dock to find Did You? waiting. He was instantly forgiven for missing the work though because he brought the bountiful gift of McChickens and Double Cheeseburgers. HWP and Circuit were hungry indeed after the efforts made to finish the trail and little was said while the consumables were consumed.

            We then set up the table Toejam was given by a mysterious source (at least mysterious to me). The table was of interesting construct, first assembled in the 1567 in Barbados (judging from the design), it was later refurbished by the Nazis in WWII era Germany as is evident by the mechanics of its foldable legs. Much like the people who refurbished it, the first time any pressure was exerted upon the table, it folded up and fell over.

            Once set up mismanagement sat back and had a couple adult beverages as we waited for the hash to assemble. I believe at one moment HWP could be seen playing air guitar to Paradise City by Guns-n-Roses.

            The first Hasher to arrive was one of our newest members, Five O’Cock Shadow. Shadow was a fellow hasher from the Beaver Creek HHH. He brought with him I’ve Got Worms, also from the Beaver. Additionally Shadow came bearing gifts of cupcakes and snacks for the on-home.

            The next to arrive was a fellow Hasher from the Juneau Hash in Alaska, Bingo. Bingo had heard of the run that morning in the Southern Illinoisan. Evidently our efforts to obtain media attention had not gone completely ignored as we previously thought.

            Then more people began to arrive and milled about with adult beverages in their hands. ToeJam blew his whistle to assemble the Hash and began to deliver the Chalk Talk. After delivering a quick explanation of the symbols and procedures we packed up the beer-mobile, (HWP’s SUV) and loaded the bodies into Barry’s van (thanks for the se Barry!) and proceeded to the starting point of the run.

            Once the Hash arrived we immediately blew off the hare, or in this case hares, both ToeJam and Yokel set off, On-On into the woods. The pack grew restless as they waited to begin. HWP then assembled the pack to explain a little about violations. Habeas told the pack what to look for and to keep each other honest and to uphold the traditions. Circuit and Did You? aided him, as Habeas had not prepared for the presentation in advance. At that point the trail lay ahead and a mighty pack of twenty edged closer to the entrance to the forest.

 

Part II: The Trail

 

            With a mighty roar, whistles, hoots and hollers the pack charged forth into the woods immediately picking up the clues left by the hares. That FRB Shadow immediately took the lead followed closely by Bingo. Amy, Torri (I think her name was Torri may have been Terri), and Jay decided to hash in slow motion and brought up the rear.

            The Trail wound through the woods and the pack scattered along the trail. At one point HWP, Circuit, Bingo and Did You? were running (Ha, yeah right more like walking and wheezing) together. All of a sudden a second wind hit Bingo and he took off to catch the FRB. About this time Did You? noticed an arrow on the ground showing the trail going up a steep grade full of fallen trees, rocks and all other types of shiggy. Circuit exploded into the bush charging up the hill as if a blonde lay at the top. HWP followed meagerly due to his chubbiness. He was heard complaining “but I like the stairs”. (this is an Adam Sandler reference for those who don’t get it). Once at the top Circuit called out a might “SHIT” as HWP arrived to see the letters YBF spelled out in flour. “We’ve been fucked,” yelled Circuit as HWP blew his whistle and called out “Bad Trail!” to the hashers who remained below (pussies). Circuit and HWP then descended Mount You’ve Been Fucked and proceeded down the trail.

            The trail was gorgeous as the afternoon aged. The sun moved low in the sky and the clouds parted creating and eerie feeling along the trail.  The view was a mix of uninterrupted wilderness punctuated by inlets of the lake. There was reported a beaver dam and a beech tree of interest, although this reporter only noticed the tree. Someone who does not embrace the Hash tradition of leaving no sign had carved their names into the towering giant, as if the future would give two shits about who they were.

            As the trail wound towards the end it split off into the eagle and the turkey. At this point the sweepers HWP and Did You? paused to make sure everyone made it. Karen and Teresa passed and moved on to the eagle. Sumant (hope I spelled this ok) and his friends then passed choosing to take the turkey. Then Barry hobbled past, this is understandable due to his suffering an injury skiing a couple weeks earlier (we applaud his participation). At this point all were accounted for except for the slow motion hashers. Did You? and HWP sat on the forest floor discussing the works of the philosophical masters(in reality they were digging holes and jamming sticks into the earth in a moronic contest to see who can jam the largest stick into the ground.

            After many minutes had passed the sweeps grew worried about our slow motion hashers and began calling out with no answer. Eventually they appeared, ambling along in juxtapose to the very idea of a running club. They are forgiven though because of there entertaining nature and fun loving attitudes. The sweeps then elected to finish along the turkey so they may help set up religion (in actuality they were both lazy bastards and just wanted a beer). But due to the time spent waiting for the slow motion hashers; they had a good excuse for not continuing on to the eagle.

            The turkeys assembled on-home and immediately built a fire and set up the camping chairs. I’ve Got Worms did a respectable job of attempting to start the fire but it took the intervention of HWP, Did You? and some lighter fluid to finish the job. Once the blaze was set the pack settled in to wait for the eagles to appear.

            Circuit took the eagle with Shadow, Bingo, Teresa, Karen, Aaron and maybe others that I am missing. Shadow as the FRB arrived at the beer check first. A wooden sign announced the location of the beer-check but the location of the beer remained a mystery. Circuit and HWP had hidden the beer well, too well in fact the FRB’s and the following hashers could not find the beverages. Circuit arrived and enlightened the eagles as to the location of the beverages. Of course the beer was marked by a large portion of a tree turned white by flour and was in plain sight of the check. Despite this the pack charged Circuit and HWP with a violation for concealing the beer. The eagles then proceeded on-home where they were greeted with energy and respect by the turkeys. The pack had once again becum one and the stage was set for religion to begin.

 

Part III: Religion

 

            The Hash milled about discussing the trail and charging their vessels. Many took advantage of the cupcakes and treats which Shadow so generously provided. The RA Habeas called the Hash to circle by singing Dough, Ray, Me. The Hash sang along and circled up around the roaring blaze. With a flourish HWP held up the sacramental vessel and called mismanagement to the front to demonstrate the proper way to do a down-down. The tune they sang was the Hashstones, sung with energy and finished by chugging our beers and proving their contents empty by holding them upside down above their heads. ToeJam and HWP to demonstrate a violation (or so they say) did their down-down with disrespect for the hash by wearing there hats. Circuit (again for demonstration purposes, HA) did not finish his down-down so was forced to pour the contents of his vessel onto his head. At the end of a down-down your vessel must be empty either down the gullet or over the head.

            After the demonstration the RA called up the Hares ToeJam and Yokel to receive honors. HWP inquires with the hash as to how they enjoyed the trail. The hash responded with a resounded approval. The RA responded to the approval with the remark of “it sucked”. The Hash then sang the hare song in honor of the hares. The various verses were sung out with pride by members of mismanagement. Did You? even created a new verse, an action that should be commended, but resulted in him probably not getting any later due to its insulting of his fiancé Teresa.

            The RA then asked the male virgins to step forward. They introduced themselves and gave a brief statement about themselves. The Hash sang “here’s to brother hasher” to welcum the virgins to the group. Then it was the female virgins turn to have there cherry broken. To the serious and passionate tune of the “Hash Hymm” the ladies were welcumed into the group as well.

            At this point in the evening the sun was setting and the Hash was getting cold and bored with the ranting of the RA. Habeas was losing them. Luckily the time had come for the Baptisms.

            HWP called up the hashers that were present at the inaugural run. They were No Names, Aaron M., Teresa, and Brandon. The RA then asked the three in turn to tell the Hash a little about themselves. After hearing the response, the RA then proceeded to ask the No Names three questions, two of which were very popular and one that met with opposition from the Hash and has since been banished(PRUDES).

The first question was what is you favorite sexual position. No Name Teresa answered quickly to the astonishment of the Hash “Doggy” an answer that will play a part later. The second question asked is “What is your favorite adult beverage? No Name Aaron answered homemade which honestly did not surprise the Hash too much. He kind of looks a little like a moonshiner. The third, less popular question the RA asked was Who in the Hash would you have sex with. Expecting answers in a non-serious fashion the No Names did not disappoint. The two males answered themselves and Teresa once again to the shock of the Hash answered Karen (the thought of which is not altogether too unpleasant). Unfortunately, this question was deemed too much, a little over the top. I’m not sure Shadow would agree after hearing the stories of the Beaver Hash. Nonetheless the question is forever banished from the Hash and the RA HWP should be ashamed for even asking such an offensive question to a group of people who talk of ejaculating at ever chance they receive.

The No Names walked beyond earshot and the Hash began to consider possible names. After voting on the possibilities the No Names were asked to return. Vessels charged, they in turn took a knee besides the RA. After a brief explanation of the deductive process used to choose the name, HWP bestowed the names upon them and they drank a down-down in celebration.

Teresa, because of her job as a fireplace salesman (or person if you are one of them politically correct peeps) and her affinity for the position known as doggy style (congratulations Did You?) will hereby and forever be known as Hot Doggy. Aaron M. because of his home state of Texas and his chosen profession being Mechanical engineering (Plus rumor has it he has a small penis). He will be forever known as Little Texas Tool. Brandon because of his interest in aviation (and his passionate habit of flashing people in public parks) will forever be known as Show Me Your Cock-pit. The Baptism ended by singing this is your down-down song and the Hash all drinking to the newly named members.

The time had come for violations. The accusations began to fly! Immediately HWP and Did You? were called out for using mortal names. Many were accused of pointing. The FRB, Shadow was called up. Amy and Yokel were accused of phone sex (not with each other). There were probably many others that went unpunished. Those that were accused were called before the hash and drank there down-down with respect (except for Circuit who can never finish his down downs without taking twice as long as everyone else and still spilling half the vessel on his head.

After announcements the Hash came together and sang the closing song “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” using the gestures traditionally used. The hash sang in high voices, and like Scooby Doo ending with “May the Hash go in Peace”. And just like that the second run of the Southern Illinois Hash House Harriers came to a close. There are many perspectives and stories that are not represented by this account and many of them probably have their interesting variances and unique attributes. I personally will remember this one for a long time.

 

The End

Habeas Whore Piss

Email: habeas_w...@soilhhh.com

 

Check out the website!

---

Do you Yahoo!?
With a free 1 GB, there's more in store with Yahoo! Mail.