I want my g/f to accept my son
elaine.smith
It seems I always post to this ng when I want help and advice. Guess
this is the place to find it!
I have now been in this relationship for nearly a year now. I love my
g/f deeply, and I know I could never love like this again. For me, she
is the one. We have had a turbulent year, mainly due to her ex not
wanting to leave gracefully and generally bugging things up. To add to
it, my parents have not accepted the news that I am gay very well at
all and are very hostile towards my g/f.
But the biggest problem is my son. I am a single parent and I rely on
my parents to look after him so that I can work full time. At last,
after a lot of hassle, my g/f is able to have me live with her,
something I want very badly. But, she won't actually commit herself to
saying definitely that she wants me with her because she doesn't think
she can cope with my son. The bottom line is that she wants me but not
him and I just can't make a choice like that. I want both and I don't
see why it can't be so.
The problem is that she has never been around children. She admits
that she thinks she will want to kill him if he gets on her nerves
(he's 8 by the way) and she just wants me alone. She's only met him 3
or 4 times but has got on well with him each time. It's got to the
point that our relationship is really suffering because of it and it
hurts me to think we could break up over this. I feel that we've got
this far after a struggle, why can't everything be ok now?
So, has anyone else been in this situation? Can you give me some
advice or tell me something I can tell my g/f. She says she need to
talk it over with someone but she doesn't know who. I don't want her
talking to her friends. Is there a help line in the UK that would be
of use to her? I really hope you can come to my aid yet again. My g/f
means everything to me but so does my son. I can't lose either one of
them.
Thanks
Elaine
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Atara Stein
In article <1.l|ltt2$}4...@panix.com>, elaine...@ukonline.co.uk
(elaine.smith) wrote:
>
> But the biggest problem is my son. I am a single parent and I rely on
> my parents to look after him so that I can work full time. At last,
> after a lot of hassle, my g/f is able to have me live with her,
> something I want very badly. But, she won't actually commit herself to
> saying definitely that she wants me with her because she doesn't think
> she can cope with my son. The bottom line is that she wants me but not
> him and I just can't make a choice like that. I want both and I don't
> see why it can't be so.
That is a tough one. My wife never wanted kids either, but she moved in
with me and became a stepparent. It's not easy. There are plenty of
times she and the kids get along great, and there are plenty of times they
drive her crazy. But then they drive me crazy too. We have an ideal
arrangement though, b/c the kids live with us only half the time. When
they're here, she's very involved as a parent.
If she's as adamant as she sounds, it seems like this would not be a good
time to push it. It's no benefit to your son to have a resentful
stepmother. I do know there are those out there who have a relationship
with someone who *doesn't* get involved with parenting, so that's possible
too. But it might be a good idea to take it slowly, and not even plan on
moving in together for a while.
Do remember, though, if she really expects you to give up your child,
she's expecting you to deny a large part of who you are, and that's not
right.
>My g/f
> means everything to me but so does my son. I can't lose either one of
> them.
>
You shouldn't have to.
atara
--
Atara Stein ____
\ /
\/
"No, no. Yes. No, I tried that. Yes, both ways. No, I don't know. No again. Are there any more questions?"--Xena, "Been There, Done That"
Trish Pollekoff
On 17 Mar 1998, elaine.smith wrote:
> But the biggest problem is my son. I am a single parent and I rely on
> my parents to look after him so that I can work full time. At last,
> after a lot of hassle, my g/f is able to have me live with her,
> something I want very badly. But, she won't actually commit herself to
> saying definitely that she wants me with her because she doesn't think
> she can cope with my son. The bottom line is that she wants me but not
> him and I just can't make a choice like that. I want both and I don't
> see why it can't be so.
Elaine,
Being a single parent is difficult. I know I did it for quite a
while. Fortunately, I now share a life with my partner, my two children
ages 8 and 6 and a trio of pets. Things haven't always been easy for all
of us either. I'm just trying to point out that no matter how great the
relationship there is always going to be some challenges. Just because one
finds the "right woman" doesn't mean that all the trouble in the world is
going to magically disappear. However, for me having children means I
come as a package deal. No one can have me without my kids. They are
young, defenseless creatures who depend on me to take care of them. One
of them is mentally retarded and has a host of other difficulties. But not
for one minute would I trade her for life with some perfect mate who did
not want her.
>
> The problem is that she has never been around children. She admits
> that she thinks she will want to kill him if he gets on her nerves
> (he's 8 by the way) and she just wants me alone. She's only met him 3
> or 4 times but has got on well with him each time. It's got to the
> point that our relationship is really suffering because of it and it
> hurts me to think we could break up over this.
Yes, it might be very painful. but in the long run, changing things about
yourself or your life *for* someone else could prove even more painful and
even damaging. You say that your son and gf have gotten on well so far,
that is a good sign and doesn't necessarily suggest that the relationship
is doomed. What I might do is to continue to allow them to get used to
each other. Coming in to a ready made family is very difficult for some
people. Your gf, if it is fear of not being able to deal with a child,
needs time to get used to the situation. Often, being a parent requires
one to give up selfish wishes in order to best supply the needs of the
child.
One thing I find unsettling however, it doesn't sound like your gf has
really broken ties with her ex or at least there are still some unresolved
problems. Is she really available to you or is it possible that she is
uncertain about her ties to the previous relationship and is looking for
excuses to help her decide. Is this something you want your child
exposed to? He needs to feel like he is cared for and loved. Your
parents help by doing this but really what most kids want is their Mom.
Be there for him. I hear how desperate the situation feels to you, and
that you feel tugged in two directions. Hang in there.
You've recently taken some big steps, coming out and not being well
received by your parents, single parenthood, a recent relationship. That's
a lot of change in a year. Forcing yourself to meet someone else's
expectations just adds more stress to an all ready difficult situation.
Dou you have real life friends you could talk to about this? Maybe your
isolation and perhahps dependence on your gf is getting in the way.
Let me pose a hypothetical siuation to you:
If you were to, say ask Mom and Dad, to raise your son while you went off
with gf because she couldn't live with him; and then suppose there was
some rift between the two of you ( I would suggest that there will be)
and the relationship ended. (none of us likes to think that it can happen
to us, but it does!) Do you think that you could,
or would even be fair?, to just walk back in to your son's life and
everthing would be okay by him?
I don't know your gf and I don't know you and I am not making value
judgements about you or your life, but don't you believe that there *are*
women who would find you just as attractive, desirable, and worthwhile
*and* accept your son?
Maybe your gf just has jitters over her ability to
parent. That's okay. Maybe some type of couples counseling would be useful
to both of you. Maybe even individual counseling for you. Not because
there is something inherently wrong with you, but because you have
experienced a lot of change and are going through some very difficult
times now. Getting support and help may help you sort out your options.
What is not okay in my mind is
when anyone wants to change another person to fit their specifications.
> I really hope you can come to my aid yet again. My g/f
> means everything to me but so does my son.
Remember, you mean everything to your son.
--Trish
___________________________________________________________________________
Trish Pollekoff ______
ppo...@gl.umbc.edu ___\___ / Living well...
\ \/ / is the best revenge!
\ /\/
\/ - Anonymous
Lyngine Calizo
Gwendolyn Alden Dean (gd...@emory.edu) wrote:
: I think that it might be important for Elaine to consider that her gf
: doesn't have to become any kind of a parent. Being the partner, even the
: live-in partner of a parent, does not require that one become a parent.
(snip)
: That is her role -- she is my lover and 'Thias' adult friend. He has a
: number of adult friends; this one happens to live in his house. All that
: I require from her is that she is pleasant and respectful to him and
: supportive of my parenting responsibilities. She often does quite a bit
: more than that but it's not her responsibility. She is also encouraged to
: live the house or go read in the bedroom with the door closed if he's
: driving her crazy.
I think this is an excellent point. One of the best things my current
step-dad did while he was dating my mom (they dated for eight years so
there was some kind of commitment there beyond just seeing her casually)
was to NOT ever parent me or my sister. I would have resented him very much
had he tried to discipline me or my sister or act in a parental role, and
I would have felt the same way at the time even if he had been married to
my mom. He did however treat me and my sister with great respect and was
friendly in a non-intrusive way (so he didn't try to buy us off or be a
disneyland dad either), and let my mom do the parenting. I
appreciated this a lot and I think this actually made it possible for me
to have a good relationship with him later---I think the key point was
that he let me and my sister take the lead in how much we interaction we
were ready for with him and was just pleasantly friendly until we were
ready to trust him with more. I grew to trust
him and his opinion and he was incredibly supportive when I came out.
He still doesn't parent us as such though he'll tell us his opinion more
often, which is fine since he doesn't get upset if disagree or
anything--just wants us to be aware of different points of view. On a
side note, my mom has taken this same approach with my step sister
(step-dad's daughter) and it's worked really well too. she let's my
step-sister and step-dad work things out between them and acts as
non-intruding "friendly adult". It's actually a really effective
strategy in this case
since my step sister trusts my mom enough to talk to her about things she
may not be completely comfortable talking to her own parents about---my
mom's a safe adult for her.
Anyhow, thought some words from the "kid's" point of view might help. I
know there are specific issues in same sex parenting that may make
blending families more difficult, but i think some of the issues kids
have with trying to deal with step-parents/step-parents-to-be/or
significant others may be similar regardless of the significant other's
gender. just my $0.02 (or $1 since this is so long)
lyngine
Gwendolyn Alden Dean
On 17 Mar 1998, Atara Stein wrote:
> That is a tough one. My wife never wanted kids either, but she moved in
> with me and became a stepparent.
I think that it might be important for Elaine to consider that her gf
doesn't have to become any kind of a parent. Being the partner, even the
live-in partner of a parent, does not require that one become a parent.
My ex made a decision, a couple of years into our relationship, that she
wanted to become a parent to Matthias. Altho' she and I are no longer
together, she is still a non-custodial parent. She sees 'Thias 2
afternoons a week and one afternoon every other weekend with irregular
sleep-overs, special adventures, etcetera as it pleases us all. We
consult on management issues and major decisions. On any occasion when
parents are called for, she shows up, along with me, 'Thias' father, and
'Thias' father's gf. My gf does not participate. She does attend events
to which she is invited as 'Thias' friend.
That is her role -- she is my lover and 'Thias' adult friend. He has a
number of adult friends; this one happens to live in his house. All that
I require from her is that she is pleasant and respectful to him and
supportive of my parenting responsibilities. She often does quite a bit
more than that but it's not her responsibility. She is also encouraged to
live the house or go read in the bedroom with the door closed if he's
driving her crazy.
So, Elaine, in your discussions with your gf, talk about her not parenting
-- if that is something that you can work with.
Gwendolyn
Fun LuvinW
<snip>>
Being a parent also I feel I can offer some suggestions. You mention that you
have been in a relationship for almost a year and your g/f has only been around
your son 3 or 4 times. You have built a relationship with her and not included
your son. You and your son are a package deal.
Anyone that says they feel they would want to kill your child if he gets on
their nerves is inmature and not willing or ready to get involved in a
relationship with someone that has a child.
You are respobsible for your childs well being and happiness. You are
struggling with trying to do the right thing by your child and to keep your g/f
happy. Your first obligation is to your child.
You made that decision when you decided to bring him into this world and keep
him. If your lover is not intersted nor willing to be a part of your sons
life. You should re-assess the relationship and decided what is most
important to you and what is best for your son.
I do not have any family to help me with my son, I have only my self to rely
on. My son knows he can count on me. However, when I was dating and searching
for my soul mate, I always put my son first. Never pushing him aside to be
with my lover, he has always been included. Before I would even go out with a
woman I would spend time talking to her and finding out how she feels about
children. I didn't want to build a false relationship with a woman. I felt
would only lead to hurt and disapointment for the both of us.
There are alot of wonderful woman out there that are willing to become a part
of your family. I found one of them, she loves my son dearly and treats him as
if het was her own . IMHO...Keep looking.
Good luck
Cass
TONYASUE81
Didnt see the beginning of the thread so just posting without full knowledge,
but I am in a relationship with someone (livein) who has a 5 year old son so i
know alot what its like from the other end, if you ever want to hear anyof that
TONYASUE81
ooops okay so i found the original thread (i posted in the re:section a few
seca ago) its late okay!
Like I was saying I have lived with my gf for 1and a half we have been together
for three. she has a 5 year old son raising him on her own, no participation
support anything from the man who was there when he was conceived (sorry i have
issues about calling him a father) anyhows, im 24 when we met i was in no way
looking to be a parent or anythign that serious, she was up front and honest
fromt he beginning so i knew from the start, i fell in love with her and
eveything about her. I met him shortly into our relationship and adored him,
not to say at all that he and i had or always have a great relationship (you
know it is just like any family straight gay bi, when a new person comes into
the picture to share your moms attention or love its scary, you become jealous
and at times can be a little shit. I can not imagine not being a part of her
life or his. If something happened to she and I, i would still want to be
involved in his life. Even though I was damn scared about the whole kid thing,
i never once said or would say that i wish he were not around. Are there times
that i wish it could be just she and i sure, but i never treat him like that.
I am by no means trying to pass judgement,b ut you got to think if she is
willing to tel you that she wants it to be the you and her, if she ends up
with the both of you she is majorly gonna resent him. which would be no life
for your child. i am a youth counselor and eveyday i see kids who suffer the
consequences when there parents or people in their lives make bad choices, part
of being a parent is making appropriate choices for your child. i know you
must be torn right now. my thoughts or withyou, i hope that you just choose
to not make any quick decisons and like i said i would be mroe than happy to
address any issues questiosn with either of you.
take care your in my thoughts
tonya
Gwendolyn Alden Dean
On 19 Mar 1998, Fun LuvinW wrote:
> Anyone that says they feel they would want to kill your child if he gets on
> relationship with someone that has a child.
Wow, somebody call Protective Services, I've said that I feel like killing
the loinfruit when he gets on my nerves. Here I never knew that meant I
was too immature and unwilling to be a parent, woops! So, does anyone
know if there's a market for blonde male 9-year-olds?
> You are respobsible for your childs well being and happiness. You are
> struggling with trying to do the right thing by your child and to keep your g/f
> happy. Your first obligation is to your child.
> You made that decision when you decided to bring him into this world and keep
> him. If your lover is not intersted nor willing to be a part of your sons
> life. You should re-assess the relationship and decided what is most
> important to you and what is best for your son.
There are other parenting styles than the prissy-self-righteous-martyr one
demonstrated here -- everybody gets to choose.
I would suggest that one can be a fine parent while having other
relationships. I would also suggest that it does not serve a child well
to encourage s/he to assume that her/his mother's role in life is to
slavishly turn own's life over to a little being who -- if all goes
properly -- will walk out the door and get a life of her/his own. Even
small children are perfectly capable of understanding that other people
also have needs and desires to be met -- after all, sharing is pre-school
skill.
> I do not have any family to help me with my son, I have only my self to rely
> on. My son knows he can count on me.
So does mine. He does not, however, think that the parameters of my life
are defined by his 9-year-old whims.
Gail D. Blacker
I seem to recall some weirdo pedophile in Atlanta several years ago who
thought there was. (Boy does that bring up some bad memories.)
--
=============================================================================
Gail Blacker, VICTOR technician Albin O. Kuhn Library & Gallery
gst...@umbc.edu Univ. of MD Baltimore County
The opinions expressed herein are mine alone and do not represent
the views of the Kuhn Library or the University of Maryland Baltimore County.
Gwendolyn Alden Dean
On 19 Mar 1998, that same ol' bitch wrote:
> Gwendolyn Alden Dean <gd...@emory.edu> wrote:
> >So, does anyone
> >know if there's a market for blonde male 9-year-olds?
He decided to be a blonde for the winter after the green faded/grew out,
since the bleach job for the green left him with a very striking platinum.
I don't know what ideas he has for the summer.
Gwendolyn
Dianne Millen
On 17 Mar 1998 09:32:29 -0500, elaine...@ukonline.co.uk
(elaine.smith) wrote:
>The problem is that she has never been around children. She admits
>that she thinks she will want to kill him if he gets on her nerves
>(he's 8 by the way) and she just wants me alone. She's only met him 3
>or 4 times but has got on well with him each time. It's got to the
>point that our relationship is really suffering because of it and it
>hurts me to think we could break up over this. I feel that we've got
>this far after a struggle, why can't everything be ok now?
>
>So, has anyone else been in this situation? Can you give me some
>advice or tell me something I can tell my g/f. She says she need to
>talk it over with someone but she doesn't know who. I don't want her
>talking to her friends. Is there a help line in the UK that would be
>of use to her? I really hope you can come to my aid yet again. My g/f
>means everything to me but so does my son. I can't lose either one of
>them.
It sounds to me that your gf could, in time, become a co-parent or at
least someone who can be around you while you get on with the parent
business. Her reservations sound like they come from fear rather than
loathing. I'm childless myself and I know that kids frighten me - I'm
scared I do something to damage them, scared I'll patronise them or
piss them off, I'm all too aware of how smart they are whilst being
ever so vulnerable. And it sounds to me as if your gf shares some of
these feelings - not being averse to the idea of parenting so much as
scared she can't do it and will screw it up. The fact that they get
along well together suggests that she has basic goodwill towards him.
But really, if she has only met him 3 or 4 times, isn't it WAY too
soon for you to be considering co-parenting or even sharing your
accommodations? Would you move in with someone you'd only met 3 or 4
times? If not, why do you expect your son to do so? Have you asked
him what he prefers?
Sounds to me as though time, lots of it, is required. Spending time
with your lover and child, maybe even letting them spend unsupervised
time together a little further down the line, and it will come to the
point perhaps where your son starts wondering when you are going to
start living together as a 'proper family'. Or at least
It's tempting to think that there is only so much struggling one
should have to do, and then happiness is just around the corner. I
don't think it works like that. It sucks that you've had to struggle,
and I can understand wanting to seize the happiness and put the
aggrvation behind you but sadly it doesn't seem to work like that. I'm
not for a second advocating that single parents should sacrifice their
lives to their kids. I'm a child of a single mother and I'm glad she
continued to date and have relationships throughout my childhood - but
she would never have moved us from our home into someone else's, at
least not unless we both wanted to do it. You don't need to sacrifice
your sexual life and your emotional life for your child, but maybe you
do need to think about the extent to which the rejection you've
suffered and the problems with her ex have made you long for an
illusory safe haven to the point where you're no longer thinking
clearly about what it would mean for the three of you.
if it were me - I'd make a home for the two of you and welcome your gf
into it until she and your son know each other a LOT better.
Good luck.
Dianne
x
--
Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light?
Gwendolyn Alden Dean
On 20 Mar 1998, Dianne Millen wrote:
> Sounds to me as though time, lots of it, is required. Spending time
> with your lover and child, maybe even letting them spend unsupervised
> time together a little further down the line,
Oh, my gf finds it *much* easier to spend one-on-one time with 'Thias than
to be around both of us. Just a suggestion.
Gwendolyn
elaine.smith
Thanks to everyone who has offered help, advice and just their own
experiences about my problems. It's the best advice I've had so far.
People at work I may have mentioned it to just don't undrestand what
it's all about. There's something about us Womyn and the support we
give each other that makes me feel secure and happy to be gay. If only
other heteros could see it too.
Anyway, I feel more prepared to talk things over with my gf. I have
also thought that we all need to go out more together. It is the fear
of the unknown that scares her so I think. I'll let you know what
happens.
Thank you with affection,
Elaine
--
Phone Home...The Truth Is Out There
--
Rosewoman
elaine.smith wrote:
>
> my parents have not accepted the news that I am gay very well at
> all and are very hostile towards my g/f.
>
> saying definitely that she wants me with her because she doesn't think
> she can cope with my son.
I think time is what is needed here, for your folks and your gf. In my
situation, I am the gf who moved in on the son. He's a bit older, but
announced to his mother that in no uncertain terms I was not to act like
his parent or in any way try to be the boss of him. We had some
conflicts, and I'm definitely NOT the parent type. I teach, but I don't
want one at home; don't want to be pregnant and don't want to rear
another human being.
Lo and behold, I ran into the boy's girlfriend's mother at a video
store. She treated me comfortably as a parent of her daughter's
boyfriend and told me that Dave calls us "his parents." This has been a
bizarre time for me, realizing that without either of us wanting it, we
have developed a parent/child relationship. It took almost 4 years.
Love is a great power. If she loves you, she can and probably will
manage to live with the frustration of having to share you. I didn't
like it (and sometimes still don't), but my partner has been willing to
get some time that's just we two. I have to be happy with crumbs
sometimes when I want the whole cake, but the intense, satisfying,
reciprocal love we have has been the key to forging a family.
Good luck!
Fun LuvinW
When I made my response to the orignal post that was asking for help and
advice, I did not expect to get flamed and called names by another poster with
a mission to snip and flame. Not to address the questions of the orignal post.
My post did include that IMHO which means, In My Humble Opinion. Everyone is
entitled to their opinions and should not be called names and flamed when
politely posting a response.
Enough said..............
The Unexamined Bread*
funl...@aol.com (Fun LuvinW), in article <1.#cgxt2p|@panix.com>, dixit:
>When I made my response to the orignal post that was asking for help and
>advice, I did not expect to get flamed and called names by another poster with
>a mission to snip and flame.
Then you shouldn't have submitted your words for public scrutiny.
Next time, use e-mail.
--
____
Piglet \bi/ *... is not worth eating.
pig...@piglet.org \/ http://www.piglet.org/momentum
Melmel65
I am the mother of a 9 yo son and have been living with my partner for almost a
year. We've been a couple for almost two years. I could never have fallen in
love with her if she didn't accept my son. And she could not love me without
caring for him as well. We are a package deal. Having said that, I realize, now
that we are a "family" that it is a struggle. It's scary and quite challenging
for the stepmother to define her role in the family that is already
established. And your child is used to having you to himself. He may not be
ready to "share" your affections. Not to mention his anxiety about having a
family that is "different". I have found that the best way to deal with these
issues is to communicate honestly and openly. You must include your son in your
relationship (to an extent) with your lover. She may be scared and have anxiety
but you need to discover just how deep these feelings go. She may overcome them
or she may not. If not she is not the woman for you. You need to be with
someone who can at least commit to try to manage the difficult job of
co-parenting. Being a parent is hard enough and it would be devastating to you
and your son for her to be in a situation that she is not ready for. Best of
luck to you. Trust your instincts.
Melodie
Atara Stein
> I am the mother of a 9 yo son and have been living with my partner for
almost a
> year. We've been a couple for almost two years. I could never have fallen in
> love with her if she didn't accept my son. And she could not love me without
> caring for him as well. We are a package deal. Having said that, I
realize, now
> that we are a "family" that it is a struggle. It's scary and quite challenging
> for the stepmother to define her role in the family that is already
> established.
[snip]
>She may be scared and have anxiety
> but you need to discover just how deep these feelings go. She may
overcome them
> or she may not. If not she is not the woman for you. You need to be with
> someone who can at least commit to try to manage the difficult job of
> co-parenting. Being a parent is hard enough and it would be devastating to you
> and your son for her to be in a situation that she is not ready for. Best of
> luck to you. Trust your instincts.
Yeah, this is very true. I've just been realizing that the fact that I
wanted kids at all will always be a point of difference b/t myself and my
wife, since it's just not a desire she can relate to at all. Nonetheless,
we work on it, and I think she's a wonderful stepmother. It's often
difficult (hell, the kids drive *me* crazy), and I can't imagine the
courage it takes to enter an already established family like that.
atara
--
Atara Stein ____
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"No, no. Yes. No, I tried that. Yes, both ways. No, I don't know. No again. Are there any more questions?"--Xena, "Been There, Done That"
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